Reply #46: checking in...

[FirstLight]

well saturday was a big blowout with my teen and my mom as usual got involved and used it as an excuse to dredge up all the stuff from MY bad-teen years to tell me how lucky i am that my kid isn't involved in the same shit i was and that i should not kick him out...

too bad, he is out this week - i finally just wiped my hands of them both and lovingly said 'you can have eachother - I'm out of it'
she is paying for him to have an apartment and that is between them if he still doesn;t get off his butt to get a job

(see, when i had trev at 21, my mom was of course a huge help...but i think the spirit contract was that he was supposed to be HER son, because she has always favored him above all grandchildren and even me at many times)

I told them both it is just TIME. I can't push anymore for this to be okay, he needs to get a job and see how to buy his own food, etc. I feel like I have done my job and now i have to focus on the other two kids i have and shift our family into a new direction. I can't live with that black cloud of angst over everything... and i can't 'fix' him. I tried counseling, tried church youth group and he fought me every step of the way. at some point, i have to relenquish responsibility for his issues, they are his to deal with, not my fault anymore.

my mom is 74 and has her moments of enlightenment, but this need to rehash MY teen drug use has no bearing on this. It's like when she gets into that mode, all she can do is blame me for my life decisions. funny, as a child i am to blame for the choices i made to deal with the family dynamic (my own alcoholic dad, who she is still with)...and as a mother i am to blame for how i screwed up my kids.(the abusive ex was apparently MY fault)

I told her that out of the three of us, i was the one who has DONE the work and the therapy and continues to make the effort...so they have nothing on me. I am not taking blame, because it is about their own soul work and i am wiping my hands of it. I love them, but i can't hold this space for them to act out any more...

so hopefully friday will be a true liberation day! I am looking forward to having the master bedroom and giving my little ones their OWN rooms for the first time in their lives... painting party anyone?