Reply #17: Urban vs. rural in VA and NC

[carolinayellowdog]

Hey,

Thanks for your comments, which bring to mind a conversation with my brother who has lived in Boston a long time. He said that avoidance of eye contact or greetings was a defensive mechanism because there are so many crazies, panhandlers, etc. to avoid. The same factor makes the urban areas of VA a lot less friendly than the rural parts. But from my observation this is much less the case in NC, where the metro areas are smaller and the inner cities less plagued by urban problems. The Triangle and Triad cities seem as friendly as smaller places; don't know Charlotte enough to judge how it feels by comparison.

He also laughed at the business of waving at people, saying it "doesn't mean anything." I speculate that it is a subliminal gesture of harmlessness, as if to say "I'm not carrying a weapon." But while it doesn't mean anything personal, it definitely means a lot socially: respect. I've read *about* but not read a book called Culture of Honor which argues that Southern white males have a long history of fighting duels over affronts to "honor"-- and thus that our cordiality is a method to avoid affronting people, which can have fatal consequences.

It's hard for me to realize that rudeness "doesn't mean anything" as practiced in the northeast. Down here, what is typical up there would be interpreted as deliberately insulting-- e.g. refusing eye contact and ignoring greetings from strangers. There certainly are misunderstandings on both sides.

CYD

PS-- One thing that took me a long time to understand about perceived rudeness is norms about staring. My first couple of trips to France I was constantly agonizing about why this or that person was staring at me on the metro. The stares didn't seem hostile, or curious, or sexual, or *anything* recognizable. Finally I came to accept that THEY JUST STARE for no reason, and that feeling extreme discomfort from being stared at was my cultural baggage.