Reply #210: Hello everyone.

[Puglover]

First let me introduce myself because I think many of you don't know me. I'm Jeff. I just turned 57 and live in Minneapolis with my partner of 15 years Kim. I've been at DU since 2003 and have moderated off and on for the past 3 years. As a moderator it has been my personal decision not to post at all in the main forums outside of a few hellos and a recipe here and there. I can be short tempered, opinionated and a smart ass and those qualities do not blend well with the gray ghost next to my name.

I was also an active member on LLF Sapphs old board which she refers to in her post above. And although I never had to do much at all I was honored to be asked to moderate that board by Sapphocrat herself.

I was a moderator here during the "gay purge". I think we (mods and admins) made huge mistakes during that time that have sadly haunted this board ever since. I know they have haunted me. However, on my life, there was no inside plan,talk or even a scintilla of anything to get rid of all of the gay people on this board. If that unimaginable situation had really happened I can guarantee you all that EVERY SINGLE ONE of the moderators would have resigned. That said, are we all perfect? No. Do we all like each other? No. We aren't some caricature of liberal wisdom. We are human and therefore flawed. Like everyone else when backed into a corner (perceived or for real) we can react badly. And looking back in a nutshell I believe that is what happened. I have had conversations with other mods, admin and even Sapphocrat about this and honestly I have always walked away from those almost breathless with frustration. What could or can be done to gain even a tiny bit of the trust lost or to help with the anger seemed (seems) almost insurmountable.

One thing I have to do, whether in a situation like this or even a spat with my husband is to get by my ego, my anger or my shame and find a way to ask myself what I did(if anything) to add to a bad situation and what I can do to help it. Assigning ALL of the blame to some one other then me and not even looking at my actions or asking myself questions simply has never worked for me. As far as the purge goes, I was definitely culpable because as Tygerbright said upthread I didn't scream "STOP!" Because I was afraid. And to all of you who were affected I am so so sorry.

So what can we do folks? Smart as Skinner and Earlg are I don't think they can do this all by themselves. And I believe if we look to them to come up with some grand edict or yet another set of rules this will fail. I think they need your help, my help and our help. And another chance. And maybe even another after that.

In 2003 I felt pissed and alone and horrified with what had gone down in the 2000 elections. To be honest I didn't even follow politics before that. When I found DU it was the start of a relationship. Really not so different from other relationships in my life. I have loved it, cursed it, walked away from it but here I still am.

I don't know how to talk more from my heart then this. And to be honest I am scared shitless to hit the "post" button. But here goes. I hope it makes some sense to you.