Reply #102: If Adamson'd gone skinny dipping with Sarah instead of "college girls..."

[hunter]

...maybe his life would've turned out quite differently. I know that when I was teaching junior high school my libido was adversely affected, and a few glasses of wine in the evening was sometimes what I needed simply to calm down and get to sleep. I was often too tired and too burned out to think about sex.

(Hah, I can really play the judgmental rat bastard if I want to. :evilgrin: )

I managed to stay out of much trouble as a young man because I was terrified of women. So far as I was concerned they were all telepaths in addition to the magical hold they had on my attentions. I was afraid to get involved with such patently superior beings.

By some twisted fortune the only long term girlfriend I had before I met my wife was a deeply closeted lesbian who secretly believed God would soon stop by waving His Magic Wand (yes, the phallic symbolism is intended) and make her want to have sex with men. In anticipation of this Great Miracle she kept me around to show off to her family, "You see, I'm not a lesbian, I do have a boyfriend!"

Her religion told her someday she'd find a man who would sweep her off her feet and they'd have wild sex Blessed by God after a big church wedding.

So we never had sex, which was fine by both of us, even though we shared a casual intimacy that made everyone who saw us together assume we were going at it like bonobos whenever nobody was looking. (Picture her vigorously brushing the water off her skin at the edge of the river saying "Can you bring me my clothes, dear? They're hanging on that tree over there.") But the sad truth is I was sleeping by myself on her floor because otherwise I'd be just another crazy homeless guy. There are a couple of pictures of us where I'm sure you'd think we were naked "free love" hippies, mostly because neither one of us shaved and we weren't wearing any clothes. We also looked pretty hot when we'd work out together because she made sure I ate enough to get bulky, and she never wore a bra at the gym. People noticed us. Beauty and her mute beast.

After too many years together I recognized I was in a spiritually abusive relationship so I broke up with her by jumping out of her moving car in Berkeley. (Don't ask, it made sense to me at the time.) Shortly after our breakup she broke up with her family and her religion and she married a woman, a woman I'd introduced her too. Like salt in my wounds, but it was all for the best.

For a long time after that I couldn't forgive myself for being such a pathetic excuse of a human being.

My ex and I had hurt a few people during our long reign of terror, and I'd been particularly good at this. I was always biting the hands that fed me.

Then somewhere deep within the swamps of my self-loathing and self-pity I decided to seek the forgiveness of those I'd wronged. It's unclear to me that any good ever came of this, mostly I think it was like, "Oh look, the freak is back," but in this process I did figure out how to forgive myself and move on.

I've never been naive about sex. In spite of my mom's sometimes Christian Fervors, she and my father were never reluctant to explain sex. At an early age my siblings and I knew the mechanics, and also that it was fun. If pictures were required to explain something my dad could draw them (he's a very talented artist) or else my parents would find a book. Nothing about my own sexuality or anyone else's ever came as a great surprise to me.

These days I sometimes feel too worldly -- during the course of my work in the San Fernando Valley, San Francisco, and on the internet, I've sometimes seen more than I ever really wanted to. Also my wife deals with issues of sexuality on a professional level and occasionally teaches human sexuality at the graduate level.

The intersection of religion and sexuality is interesting to me. I think back on my relationship with my girlfriend and there is an incredible hypocrisy to it. The worst influences of religion played a large part in keeping us together. We both somehow thought we were scoring points for remaining virgins even though our lack of sexual activity had very little to do with self control. We'd be romping naked in the surf with friends, and I'd really enjoy that, but the reason we weren't having sex is that she was looking at the other women just as I was: lustfully. I often think what a terrible thing it would have been if we'd married one another even though such a marriage might have been readily sanctioned or even demanded by her church.

Religion does great harm when incompatible couples are encouraged to marry, and when compatible couples are refused marriage. This is especially true of homosexual couples. The church would have sanctioned the marriage of me and my girlfriend, but if they had our lives would have been hell, and we would never have experienced the joys of our current relationships.

I do not believe sexuality is the centerpiece of every relationship. Friendship and mutual respect are much more important. The degree to which sexuality is important in a relationship depends upon the couple. For some couples sexuality will be an important aspect of their spiritual relationship, for other couples sex will be an enjoyable recreation. I imagine there are happy couples who are asexual and very spiritually connected, even though I can't imagine myself in such a relationship.

My own approach to sexuality is very straightforward. If you are unprepared to take care of children you need to do everything you can to avoid pregnancy. You need to do your very best not to pass on any nasty or deadly bugs. Recognize that a sexual relationship with somebody may temporarily blind you to any grave incompatibilities you might have as a couple. Recognize when someone is taking advantage of you.

I think overemphasizing the spiritual aspects of sex while neglecting the practical aspects of sex can cause very severe problems. Spirituality can be found in many things, including sex, but sex isn't necessarily spiritual. Sometimes it's just fun. Often it's messy.