Reply #109: I already know what I'm going to do.

[Sapphocrat]

I've mentioned it more than a few times, but, as most posts get lost in all the noise, I'll say it again:

If Obama gets the nomination, I'm going to do everything in my power to log off DU once and for all -- but not out of spite or because I'm a sore loser. On the contrary, I am fully prepared for an Obama win; after being shattered by the November '04 election (I am dead serious when I say there was barely a waking hour for a full week afterward that I wasn't crying or close to it), and losing all faith in any "leader" after being let down and then completely abandoned by John Kerry (whom I had to force myself to vote for in the first place), there's little that can happen in this race to make me feel that bad again. I'll be deeply disappointed, but it won't feel as if the world has just ended, the way it did in 2004. (It helps, too, that I am not at all emotionally invested in Hillary; should Obama lose the GE, I'll actually feel very sorry for his supporters, who, having invested so much emotional energy into the man and pinning such sky-high "hope" on his salvation of Planet Earth, have a much longer way to fall than I do.)

Anyway... I'll do my best to leave DU behind, in part because (no matter how well-intentioned many are) the salt-in-the-wounds gloating by Obama supporters will be absolutely unbearable -- but mostly because I already came to the realization some time ago that there really isn't any room for me in this mythical "big tent" Democrats keep talking about. In fact, I have come to understand that there really is no place in the national political process for me at all.

This isn't whining, or taking my ball and going home. In truth, one thing the last seven-plus years has done for me is give me a much thicker skin. That may sound like horse puckey to some reading this, but honestly, while I can get just as angry as I ever did about individual issues, I'm past the shock, denial, bargaining, and depression stages, and am about halfway through resignation, on my way to acceptance. (Of course it's been a grieving process; what can you experience but razor-sharp, abject grief when you finally come to terms with the fact that just about everybody's lied to you, and that you're never going to come close to your most treasured American dream, which in my case is simply being a first-class citizen? It's still hard to accept, but at least I'm not kidding myself anymore: I understand that I'm never going to know what that feels like.)

Anyway... In all this, I've come to realize that I can pour my heart and soul into national politics for the rest of my life, and I'll wind up with nothing but a broken heart, and a broken soul.

If I am to do any good in this world at all, my energy will be better spent on the local (and perhaps state) level, focusing almost exclusively on LGBT issues. That doesn't mean I'll stop caring about poverty, or education, or anything like that -- I'll still vote to tax myself so that someone else can eat, or get a degree, and I have no qualms about volunteering when various opportunities come up. But I understand that if I don't take care of "my own," nobody else will. I really don't believe I will see marriage equality in my lifetime, and even the chance of seeing a fully-inclusive ENDA someday is slim. But I'll have far greater effect narrowing my focus and redirecting my energy -- and my time, and what little money I have -- back into the LGBT community.

Selfish? Like I said, nobody else is going to do it. And since my attention always keeps turning, quite naturally, toward issues specifically concerning LGBT youth -- suicide, homelessness, high school GSA's, and the like -- I don't see it as very selfish at all. I only wish that when I was a teenager, scared to death of coming out, I'd known even one gay adult I could look to for encouragement, let alone guidance. I want to be that adult I didn't have around. And if even one thing I can do makes a positive difference in the life of just one kid, I'll be more than satisfied.

So, that's what I'm planning to do. I know it's not the answer you were looking for -- I think you'd rather hear a plan for making our collective voice heard within the Democratic Party, and getting legislation passed, but I don't have one. I've tried everything I know.

And you know Freud's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results every time. I've been doing the same thing over and over again since I was in my late teens, and nothing ever changes.

I'm not saying I'll leave the Democratic Party -- it's a very strong possibility, but I haven't made that decision yet. But I do know that what I'm doing isn't working, and I need to do something else.

Oh, and in answer to your question in the OP: Pretty darned low right now, but almost Zen-like in the contented knowledge that I will get through this grave disappointment. As I always say, if I survived Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II, I can survive President McCain (because that, I'm sorry to say, is what I sincerely believe we're looking at come November).

Btw, I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight -- my long, long thread yesterday took a good bit of posting energy, and I do need to actually work once in a while -- but it's funny: I'm posting more on DU lately than I have in many, many months. In writing this post, I realized why I'm doing it: I know I won't be posting on DU much longer, and I guess I want to have one last run. It's a bittersweet kind of release.