Reply #25: You know I used to think that way too, but

[Jamastiene]

life here is unbearable for me. I am never going to be happy as long as I live here. Right now as we speak I am in college and I am being targeted because my political views are not conservative. I mean I am less that 3 months from graduating from one curriculum and hoping to get a degree in computer something, haven't decided yet, and they are making it so hard on me that I don't even want to stay long enough to finish. And if I do, they'll find some way to take my position as the student with the highest grades away. The bottom line is that there is just no fucking way I can stay in a place as devoid of intelligence, compassion, hope, opportunities, and a nice selection of gay women to meet so I won't have to spend the rest of my life alone and lonely. This place has already taken its toll on me emotionally and it's working on killing my mind now. The damage is beyond what most people are aware of and I can't take this bullshit any more. I have to find some way out. I can't stand the thought of being trapped here the rest of my life. Sorry, that's just the conclusion I have come to. I used to think just like you are thinking on the subject of staying and fighting, but with no one close by to be friends with and spend time with, my life is hell. I want to die every fucking day and every night I pray I won't wake up. I'd rather get a fresh start and a chance. What colleg are you planning on going to? If it is RCC, I hope you have a better experience than I have had. Being a lesbian and having even the psychology teacher try to make you go to the next county over and be brainwashed by a nutcase cop who practices psycho hypnotism and who wants to "straighten" me out isn't my idea of something possible to fix. This place is unfixable and even the ones who say they aren't homophobic are homophobic. I hate North Carolina with every fiber of my being. There are some good people here, but I am not connected and it leaves me sitting here in front of the computer night after night. If it wasn't for DU right now, I'd be at the court house getting a gun permit to take care of my situation once and for all. Period. If it was any easier and someone offered to do it for me, I'd thank them and try to come up with something to offer them for their compassion and generosity. That's the sad thing about it. Someone like Matthew Shepherd who was nice looking well loved and cool gets bludgeoned to death and someone like me who prays for death because of how hopeless my chances are lives. There is no justice. It should have been me. It would have certainly been easier to take than my rape was. I have been the victim of one homocide attempt with a hammer, but of course it didn't work because it caught me off guard. I have been beat up before too and to be totally honest at this point I prefer the physical beatings to the mind rape from therapists I don't need all because I don't agree politically with the people around me. There truly is no justice and couldn't possibly be a loving God. Otherwise, I'd get the miracle I have been praying for for over 20 years now. Fuck North Carolina and the lifestyle nazis who control it. It's not worth trying to save.