I think I'm going to do something monumentally stupid intentionally.

[Chan790]

I have this friend, we'll call her Q because her name has nothing to do with the letter Q, who I've been crazy for for years. (Pretty sure she's into me too and just considers me to be not available to her for the same reasons she has never been available to me.)

(Okay, I apologize for the formatting of the majority of the rest of this post, but I think it makes the point more frustratingly-clear.)

Problem is, she was my indirect supervisor in a lackluster meaningless (fast food) job for most of that time...

and we were both in bad relationships with other people (one in her case, a series of crappy ones in mine)...

then I moved away because she was engaged to an idiot (who used to demean and belittle her, I've heard rumors from mutual friends that it was the day he actually raised his hand to her that she left him.) and I didn't want to watch her marry that guy, so I passed up a better job in that area to move to NYC (a mere 1 1/2 hours away)...

then she wanted to come visit me in NYC (her relationship with the moron was failing but I didn't know that) and I kind of blew her off because well, who wants to spend time with someone they're smitten with who is marrying someone else...

then my roommate got us thrown out of our apartment and I had to move to MD to avoid being homeless...

then she broke up with the idiot and I'm living in MD; I don't want and really can't succeed in a LDR, I know because I've tried and basically I don't stop thinking or feeling like I'm single (Her feelings on LDRs are crass and to the point: It's not a relationship if you're masturbating more than you're getting laid.); so I decided I was going to tell her how I felt when I went home for Christmas as I'm trying to move back towards home anyways...

then she told me when we were hanging out that she just started seeing someone and the panic came back, I became withdrawn and didn't tell her how I felt...I did give her a great hug though. (She's commented on the great hug.) So, now...

basically all I'm hearing is what an asshat her new boyfriend (U) is from all of our mutual friends. Many of whom know how I feel about her, many of whom have no idea. Just that Q's new BF is an asshole who makes the last one look like Prince Charming. Mind you, all of her non-mutual friends, many of whom know U through college (they're all in community college together) adore him and dislike me intensely. I'm "the evil one" to them because I told her to dump the fiancé who they also adored.

I'm feeling like kicking over the apple cart and throwing my cards on the ground and just seeing where things land. I'm just frustrated because it feels like fate, happenstance, coincidence and 100 other ethereal things like that which I don't even believe in are kicking my ass on this one.