Reply #106: I have several reasons for not having children, due to both circumstances and my own choices

[MikeH]

One of the circumstances is that for various reasons, including some problems that I had when I was young, but also due to some choices I have made as an adult, I have so far not had any serious relationship with a woman. This is admittedly one of the biggest disappointments of my life. (I am a 58 year old heterosexual male.)

However I am not at all disappointed that I do not have children.

First of all I had a very difficult and unhappy childhood and adolescence, and it was a struggle for me as a young adult for me to really become happy and to be at peace with life and to enjoy being alive. Just having very painful memories of my own unhappy childhood and youth, I have not wanted to have my own children.

One of the big and major problems I had, well into my adulthood, was my relationship with my father. He was an excellent provider for his family, and did many very nice things for me and for his family, and many very good things, and often helped me out with things like schoolwork. However he was a very strong-minded, dominating person, and was often very judgmental. He was often very poor at understanding, from my point of view, some difficult or sensitive issue which was causing me to be upset, frustrated, or otherwise unhappy. And he often decided in Godlike fashion that I needed to be yelled at or bawled out like I had committed a crime when I made an honest mistake, honestly forgot something, or something was not according to his standards. And he would always say that what he was saying or doing was “for my own good”.

It seemed like according to my dad the important thing in life was to live up to his, or somebody else’s, rules, expectations, and standards. It seemed like to him life was a matter of duty (even though at times he might tell me to enjoy myself). He would sometimes remind me that it is a “cruel world”.

His attitude and his manner did very little to inspire me with confidence in myself as a person in my own right, and as one who could handle things and make it in the world. He would not let me make my own mistakes.

It was a major source of frustration for me that even as a young man I often ended up being intimidated by my dad (or charmed when he was really nice) and went along with things he said or did that I really did not feel were OK.

My dad died when I was in my mid-30’s. It was about a year after his death that I became fully aware of how angry I still was at my dad, and that he had actually at times been abusive, or at least borderline so. I.e. it was not just something wrong with me that I had problems with him, and was often angry with him and resented things he said and did, which anger and resentment spilled out toward other people and to other areas of my life (such as my jobs, and socially).

My feelings about my own dad have been a major contributing factor to a very strong distaste toward the idea of being a dad myself.

And given what we now know about global warming, and the threat to our planet’s sustainability, as well as what the GWB misadministration and the wealthy elites have done to ruin our country and our country’s economy (and the fact that the foundations for GWB to do what he did were laid long before he came into power), I am now very happy that I do not have any children, or grandchildren, who are going to have to deal with all this. And anyway, at age 58, I am now past the age at which most people would want to have children. And I don’t like the idea of being in my 70’s when my children would be teenagers.

I am very happy with the responses to this thread of people having children who love children and have wanted to have them, and feel that their children are the best thing on the planet. It is wonderful for somebody to have children who loves children, and wants to have them, and -- very importantly -- is able to handle the responsibilities of raising them, taking care of them, and giving them the love and attention that they need.

And I am also happy with the responses to this thread of people not having children who realize that they have not really wanted them and/or are not able to handle the responsibilities of raising them.

I think that it is very wrong for anybody to be made to feel that they “should” have children for any other reason that one really loves children and wants to have them. It is particularly wrong for anybody to be made to feel that they have any kind of duty to have children, such as a duty to God or any kind of religious duty, or a duty to one’s parents (to provide them with grandchildren) or to other relatives.

I despise the religious right, and one of the most reprehensible things that some people on the religious right are saying is that people have a duty to have children, and that they are being selfish to not have children, and especially that Christians have a duty to supposedly allow God to provide them with as many children as God would wish or see fit to provide them.

I myself have never had any pressure from family to get married or to have children. However sometimes I have been a little bit offended, or at least irritated, if somebody in casual conversation asks how many children I have, or asks if I have children in a tone which sounds like I “should” have children. One time at a soup and salad buffet restaurant, the day after Halloween one year, a woman behind the counter asked me if I went trick-or treating with my children. I reminded her that there are people who do not have children. I did find her question offensive, with its implication that I “should” have children (she said I looked like a daddy). Hey, there might be any number of very personal reasons why somebody might not have children, whether by choice or by circumstance.