Reply #46: When you say most manners are superficial, I take it that you mean what I'd mean by etiquette.

[IntravenousDemilo]

For me, a person with good manners is someone who properly appreciates the social aspect of a given situation and goes out of his way not to make someone feel uncomfortable, while etiquette is for those more concerned with protocol, tradition, and adherence to rigid hierarchical structures. There is some overlap, perhaps, in such things as Thank You cards, but even then, etiquette concerns itself more with superficialities: the style of the card itself, what is an acceptable lapse in time before sending, and the idea of fulfilling a social obligation on the grounds that "it's what's done." Manners go much deeper, and they're all about whether you have the impulse within you to send Thank You cards in the first place -- because you're thankful and you appreciate the other person.

If you use the wrong fork at a fancy banquet, you may have committed a breach of etiquette, but if you point out to someone that he's used the wrong fork and make him feel awkward, you have shown extremely bad manners.