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Reply #43: I think you and your mother are having issues with control [View All]

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Heddi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 05:28 PM
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43. I think you and your mother are having issues with control
As an adult, I had to live with my mother who also lived with my grandmother for a very short period of time.

Talk about too many cooks in the kitchen!

There was SEVERE conflict of authority between all of us:

1) it was my grandmother's house, so she felt that all rules were her rules, and they ruled supreme
2) My mother felt that my grandmother woudln't have her house if it weren't for my mom's financial contribution, so she didn't necessarily have to follow any rules. Also, she was a 50 year old woman and she was far too old for rules
3) I felt like NEITHER of them would be living in the house if it weren't for my contributions. I was 21 and didn't need a rule like "no phone calls IN OR OUT after 9pm" just so someone could feel like they were being superior.

EVERYTHING was a fight. Who washed dishes vs. who didn't. Who ordered food without asking the rest of us if they wanted any? Why should i Pay for take out when it wasn't my idea to get it? Who's going to vaccuum even though the mess was caused by your pets etc etc etc.

The only way we were ever able to get along as a family was to


live away from each other.

THat may or may not work in your situation.

HOWEVER, having lived in that situation for a while, I have to agree with what some other posters said:

1) It *is* your mother's house, and no matter how old you are, or how much you contribute to the household, it is *her* house. She has a routine, no matter how much you like it or not. If she wants you to go on the front porch to talk so she can go on the back porch to smoke, who are you to say "no!"? Maybe she's doing it because she's pushing your buttons, maybe she prefers the back yard over the front. Maybe since it's not really that big of a deal, you can be the bigger person and go to the front yard and avoid the inevitable confrontation that will occur if you go to the back

2) You should have told her you ate the Fretos. Is is the end of the world? No. Did she buy them? If so, then you should have told her. If you bought them, then you didn't have an obligation to tell her, but if you knew it would set her off, then yes, you should have told her then, too.


Looking back on my time as an adult living with family members, I can see that much of the conflict from my grandmother came from the fact that she truly felt (and I feel it was deserved in some respects) that here are me and my mom, barging in, fucking up her routine and her quiet time and her retirement years and at the same time ACTING LIKE SHE OWES IT TO US. I don't actually recall my mother or I ever telling granny "You know, we appreciate you letting us live with you, I know it must really be a shift from what you're used to".

Not knowing you or your mother, that may be some of what your mother is feeling. I think those feelings would be intensified if you weren't contributing financially to the household or not doing things like vaccuuming, or dishes, or whatever. I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS THE CASE, JUST POSTULATING POSSIBILITIES.

I think it would be wise to step outside yourself and honestly look at what you do while in her house. Is there anything that you could conceded to do, even if you feel you dont' have to? Talking in the front yard instead of the back?, etc?

Then I would sit down and talk to your mom. Tell her you're feeling like she's stressed out--ask her SPECIFICALLY what you could do to make it easier on the both of you. Have an open diaglogue. Tell her that it's annoying when you're on the phone and she has to interrupt you. Tell her that you're sorry to have not told her about the freetos. Ask her what YOU personally can do to make the living easier for both of you. THen it's out there and she (techincally) can't complain if you do what she'd like and STILL gets an attitude.
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  -My mom is SUCH a bitch XemaSab  Jun-21-08 07:23 AM   #0 
  - She is the one acting like a five year old in these examples.  Dangerously Amused   Jun-21-08 07:28 AM   #1 
  - Sorry, but it works both ways.  Darth_Kitten   Jun-21-08 07:30 AM   #2 
     - I agree  Godlesscommieprevert   Jun-21-08 07:37 AM   #3 
     - I understand that.  Dangerously Amused   Jun-21-08 07:48 AM   #4 
  - What they said!  femmocrat   Jun-21-08 07:57 AM   #5 
  - Why are you living with your mother? Are you there to help her?  PassingFair   Jun-21-08 08:06 AM   #6 
  - As a third party who isn't fully aware fo the situation, it sounds like you guys are  nomad1776   Jun-21-08 08:16 AM   #7 
  - Well said!  Simply Fugue   Jun-21-08 09:10 AM   #9 
  - I agree.  janesez   Jun-21-08 10:05 AM   #11 
  - Agree.  emilyg   Jun-21-08 11:49 PM   #50 
  - Did you two have the 'expectations and responsibilities' conversation before you moved back in?  Debi   Jun-21-08 08:58 AM   #8 
  - I have 2 kids living back home - So  BensMom   Jun-21-08 09:44 AM   #10 
  - Same here..a daughter and granddaughter live with us.  OurVotesCount-Ohio   Jun-21-08 10:24 AM   #15 
  - Why are you living with your mother?  Genevieve   Jun-21-08 10:12 AM   #12 
  - get your own place.  House of Kewpie   Jun-21-08 10:17 AM   #13 
  - So you use her home. Her phone. Her Fritos. And she's a bitch?  alphafemale   Jun-21-08 10:17 AM   #14 
  - You call your own mother a BITCH based on that?  antfarm   Jun-21-08 11:14 AM   #16 
  - First of all why would you move in with your mother. Are you homeless with minor children?  Carnea   Jun-21-08 11:25 AM   #17 
  - .  Midlodemocrat   Jun-21-08 12:50 PM   #18 
  - Honestly I remember couch surfing for a time in my early twenties....  Carnea   Jun-21-08 12:56 PM   #19 
     - Your comments to XemaSab are insulting and you should apologize.  Midlodemocrat   Jun-21-08 12:58 PM   #20 
     - Your right I don't and the poster didn't actually volunteer that.  Carnea   Jun-21-08 01:06 PM   #21 
        - Nice. Just keep digging.  Dangerously Amused   Jun-21-08 01:09 PM   #23 
        - Deleted message  Name removed   Jun-21-08 01:30 PM   #30 
     - Wages are too low and the cost of living is too high  Pushed To The Left   Jun-21-08 01:40 PM   #33 
        - I feel that pain... moved 1500 miles form the folks in part for a lower cost of living.  Carnea   Jun-21-08 02:04 PM   #40 
           - Thanks, Carnea  Pushed To The Left   Jun-21-08 07:55 PM   #47 
  - One of the best things about the time I spent living in...  LanternWaste   Jun-23-08 12:24 PM   #71 
  - I'm not at all sure you can blame that one on Mom ....  dbaker41   Jun-23-08 12:58 PM   #74 
  - Hello? WTF? Is this DU?  Dangerously Amused   Jun-21-08 01:07 PM   #22 
  - thank you.  chimpsrsmarter   Jun-21-08 01:18 PM   #24 
  - It must be attack day, being Summer Solstice and all...  Whoa_Nelly   Jun-21-08 01:20 PM   #25 
  - If the OP was "I can't stand living with my mother again at my age," there'd be support.  Gormy Cuss   Jun-21-08 01:20 PM   #26 
  - Can we get a standards list going on how to post?  Whoa_Nelly   Jun-21-08 01:27 PM   #28 
     - The problem is the post is itself the context for many.  Gormy Cuss   Jun-21-08 01:47 PM   #34 
        - you would like her, i met xema at a meet up a few years ago and she's a great person.  chimpsrsmarter   Jun-21-08 01:49 PM   #35 
           - I know I would like her if I met her in person.  Midlodemocrat   Jun-21-08 01:50 PM   #36 
              - you totally would.  chimpsrsmarter   Jun-21-08 01:51 PM   #37 
  - Unfortunatly...  Texasgal   Jun-21-08 01:22 PM   #27 
  - What do you really expect from the Lounge...  skooooo   Jun-22-08 12:02 AM   #52 
  - It is rather in stark contrast  Oeditpus Rex   Jun-21-08 01:58 PM   #38 
  - for real  stuntcat   Jun-21-08 03:24 PM   #41 
  - There were plenty of details here, provided by the OP.  antfarm   Jun-21-08 08:55 PM   #48 
  - WTF is this DU?  lwfern   Jun-22-08 07:02 AM   #54 
  - Thanks...  redqueen   Jun-23-08 12:33 PM   #73 
  - I've been there. It's not fun.  Hardhead   Jun-21-08 01:28 PM   #29 
  - honey, give ma some space. if she's a bitch now, let's face it,  elehhhhna   Jun-21-08 01:34 PM   #31 
  - HEY! At least you can GET Fritos where you live!  FarceOfNature   Jun-21-08 01:34 PM   #32 
  - My sincere sympathies.  seawolf   Jun-21-08 02:01 PM   #39 
  - My mom's like that too  khashka   Jun-21-08 03:40 PM   #42 
  - I think you and your mother are having issues with control  Heddi   Jun-21-08 05:28 PM   #43 
  - Move out, that will show the bitch.  seriousstan   Jun-21-08 06:34 PM   #44 
  - I moved in with my father  Imagine In Texas   Jun-21-08 06:56 PM   #45 
  - I don't know anyone, so I don't have a dog in this particular fight...  badgerpup   Jun-21-08 07:39 PM   #46 
  - Someday that bitch will die, and you'll have to get your own place with your own fritos n/t  Concerned GA Voter   Jun-21-08 11:26 PM   #49 
  - omg...  skooooo   Jun-22-08 12:00 AM   #51 
  - Post of the week.  janesez   Jun-23-08 01:29 PM   #77 
  - Hi mom! (waves)  Baclava   Jun-23-08 03:49 PM   #80 
  - if you do eat the last of something, please discard the protective packaging  ikhor   Jun-22-08 12:07 AM   #53 
  - do you know what skunks do to ween their young...they spray them every time they come near her  ElsewheresDaughter   Jun-22-08 07:52 AM   #55 
  - Thats nothing.  Blarch   Jun-22-08 08:25 AM   #56 
  - It's the opposite for me  DaveTheWave   Jun-22-08 08:44 AM   #57 
  - You shouldn't call your mother a bitch.  LBJDemocrat   Jun-22-08 09:48 AM   #58 
  - Are you still in college and home for the summer?  ikojo   Jun-22-08 09:53 AM   #59 
  - Hey Xema - hang in there. Living with other adults is always hard  OhioBlues   Jun-22-08 10:40 AM   #60 
  - I have bookmarked this thread to remind me what du is like  KC2   Jun-22-08 10:49 AM   #61 
  - Do yourself a favor and move out at the first opportunity. Please.  AngryOldDem   Jun-22-08 11:17 AM   #62 
  - Is this a joke?  City67   Jun-22-08 12:02 PM   #63 
  - If you are living in her house try and live by her rules. And ask before you eat  applegrove   Jun-22-08 12:03 PM   #64 
  - It would not even occur to me to move back in with my mother  TrogL   Jun-22-08 04:51 PM   #65 
  - If my brother knew what my mom was thinking when he moved  astral   Jun-23-08 04:00 AM   #66 
  - "Your mother knows how to push your buttons since she installed them"  REP   Jun-23-08 05:20 AM   #67 
  - she just wants you to move out but because mothers are not supposed to want these things  lionesspriyanka   Jun-23-08 07:20 AM   #68 
  - So true. nt.  Blue State Native   Jun-23-08 08:17 AM   #69 
     - thanks.  lionesspriyanka   Jun-23-08 08:19 AM   #70 
  - XemaSab posted this on Saturday..  snooper2   Jun-23-08 12:30 PM   #72 
  - This is a joke right?  pdx_prog   Jun-23-08 01:24 PM   #75 
  - I hope it's a joke!  Tulum_Moon   Jun-23-08 02:10 PM   #78 
  - She did'nt have to let you move back in with her.  CarolinaPeridot   Jun-23-08 01:27 PM   #76 
  - What flavor of Fritos are we talkin?  joe_sixpack   Jun-23-08 03:30 PM   #79 

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