Reply #15: Been sitting here weeping -- thanks you guys for making me laugh through the tears

[Hekate]

My younger sister recently wrote to me that she occasionally has nightmares about our mother and wishes she could yell, "You're DEAD. You can't hurt anyone any more!" I wrote back that that would be an entirely appropriate thing to say to a ghost. I never dream about our mother -- well, I have maybe three times in my adult life, and they were all terrifying. I just try to keep her from haunting my days.

Yeah, therapy helps.

After I finished my PhD in 2002 at the age of 54, she accused me of calling her a criminal. When people would ask how my Mom liked reading my dissertation I tried to make a joke out of it by saying that in her eyes I had never done anything right and now I didn't do that right either.

She really was a good mother to us when we were small. She gave us a lot of love and hugs and warmth and a good grounding in ethical behavior and a love of education. As the oldest, that carried me through all the rest, which was that I could never measure up. And the older I got, the less I could measure up in her eyes. And still I loved her more than anything.

The therapist said, "Would your relationship have turned out any differently if you had never written about your family in your dissertation?" No. Our relationship was effectively wrecked the moment she caught my dad with his hand in my toddler's pants and chose not to tell me. Later I asked her what she did do, and she said, "I gave him such a look and got her out of there." She -- she -- "gave him such a look"?!

And still I loved her more than anything. Which at that point it was pretty stupid, since I had children of my own.

I kept trying to be her daughter, even as she started returning every gift, but at the memorial service I discovered that she had found other daughters -- women my age who loved her deeply and who never unconsciously held up a mirror to her showing her what she could not face in herself. Their testamonials were very touching. I found myself wishing with all my heart that I had known the woman they knew.

She died in October 2006. When I think of her, I pray for her soul to be free, and mine too. I can't keep carrying this woman.

Thanks.

Hekate