Reply #53: I am the survivor of an abusive relationship.

[distantearlywarning]

I moved across the country with the sweetest man, a man I was sure I would some day marry. We moved for his job, and the plan was that I would find a job when I got there. The day we got to the new city, a city where I didn't have any friends, financial plan, or support system, the abuse started.

It was just like you describe - enraged over tiny things all the time, calling me denigrating names, making fun of me, showing me disrespect and criticizing everything I did, throwing stuff, punching holes in walls. When it escalated to breaking my possessions and meanly teasing my cat, I started making plans to leave and saving money. Before I had enough money saved, it started getting physical - pushing, shoving, pulling me. One night he grabbed me and shoved me out the front door barefoot in the snow to punish me for some minor "offense" that pissed him off. After the neighbors called the cops on us one night, I realized that I didn't want to be "that woman" anymore, and I moved out the next day, even though I really didn't have enough money to make a good go of it in a strange city.

I almost ended up homeless with my cats, but managed to find a really dingy tiny apartment in the worst ghetto in town. It was horrible, stepping over drunk guys on my way home every night and the gangs fighting in the park next door. But it was still better than having to walk on eggshells all the time and being told I was a horrible person every fucking day by someone I thought was supposed to love me. And it was a lot better than having my stuff broken and being pushed around. And I got through it and made a better life for myself in the end.

The psychological abuse was worse than the physical abuse. I still carry the mental scars from that relationship to this day, and this is over 7 years later. The longer this stuff goes on, the more fucked in the head your friend will be, and the harder and longer it will take to get over it. And yes, the stuff you describe ALWAYS escalates to physical violence eventually. Take it from someone who knows.

My advice for anyone in this situation would be to just start making some contingency plans now: save money, find out where you could live or how to remove him from your house, make copies of all your important documents, get a good divorce/custody lawyer on retainer, alert a friend or relative, basically try to think of everything you might need to do to be able to separate from him in a hurry if you ever needed to, and think about ways that he might try to hurt you if you left (your job, your kids) and plan for being attacked that way. Nobody says you have to actually go through with your plan. But if you do need to, you will be able to leave without completely ruining your life.

Not that this is believable to someone in an abusive situation, but trust me, there are better fish in the sea. NOBODY should ever tolerate a relationship like the one described by the OP. That's NOT love. And once you leave and find someone who does love you, like I did, you'll wonder why you ever spent 5 minutes putting up with that kind of dysfunctional crap.

BTW, I know someone upthread recommended therapy. Therapy was not that helpful for me. It seemed like all they wanted to do was blame me for being in the relationship in the first place - like I had "chosen" it for some reason. Considering that I never "chose" any other abusive relationship before or since, that didn't seem like a reasonable hypothesis. Not all abused women have some kind of psychopathology that drives them into the arms of abusers. I personally feel that I was tricked into it myself, because my abuser was extremely charming until he got me into a situation where I didn't have much power over financial and social aspects of my life. Anyway, I think your friend should evaluate her situation and mental state carefully before going the therapy route. It's not for everyone, and some therapists can make things worse. If she does choose therapy, I would suggest cognitive-behavioral. It actually has some real research supporting it, unlike the recommended "psychoanalytic" upthread. (I am a research psychologist by profession, so I know a bit about the subject...)

I think you should have your friend read the responses on this thread...