Reply #37: He is the problem, not her...

[Baby Snooks]

She needs to focus on the problem at hand which is him and his anger and not knowing what the situation is I nonetheless would recommend a "tough love" approach to force him to get help. And that is a "tough love" approach with herself as well. If she has the financial ability to do so, she needs to continue to carry him but herself as well along with the children in a separate living arrangement and tell him unless he gets help she will seek a permanent separation. It might work. It might not. If it doesn't work, at least she is not living with him. And she needs to make sure he does not know where she is living which is always rule number one. Rule number two is to make sure the children don't tell him. If it is not feasible, she needs to stay with someone else. If not you, a friend perhaps. Preferably, again, somewhere that he doesn't know where she is. But she really must not stay there once she lays the "get help or else" card on the table.

Many women act out of fear, and wisely, but also then create a secondary problem with stalking behavior in addition to the abusive and/or violent behavior. She must simply take control and keep contol of the situation to protect herself and the children.

As both a stalking victim and an advocate I can guarantee you that no restraining order is going to stop him if he starts stalking her. Many victims of domestic abuse/violence end up with a restraining order against a stalker and then end up in family law court with ordered visitation which only allows the stalking and the cycle of abuse/violence to continue, often through the children. What the law says and what the law does are two different things. As an attorney, she probably knows that better than anyone. She feels shame? There is no shame in trying to help him. But she also needs to help herself as well in the process by protecting herself and her children. That everyone here agrees on.

Why assume she is attracted to dysfunctional and abusive men and therefore is dysfunctional herself? Maybe she's just a nice person and they're attracted to her. Because she's a nice person. Nice people make the best victims. And sometimes victims are just victims. Not volunteers.