Reply #77: Because marriage is not about "love"..it's about commitment

[SoCalDem]

Love is what gets two people together long enough to share their future goals and aspirations, but the "gooshy-gooey..I-can't-breathe-without-you" stuff fades pretty fast. Everyone mentions the peaks and valleys, but they don't ever tell you how damn DEEP those valleys can get, and as years pile up, so do the hurts and slights that occur in ANY longterm relationship.

No ONE person can meet all your expectations, so instead of blaming the other person, one must alter their own expectations. When you think your partner has not measured up..look in the mirror.. He/she is probably thinking the same of you :)

Children do NOT "strengthen" a relationship. they ADD stress and COST. If you are just hanging on by a thread and a child comes along, things will not miraculously improve...in fact they are often worsened because now the mother has even LESS time to lavish on the man-woman thing...

People used to marry young, and "grew up" together...now we have people in their 30's getting married for the first time, and since they have been on their own for a long time, it;s obvious that they "can" get along by themselves, so they may be more reluctant to stay in a marriage that is not "perfect". Also, when you marry very young, you have little to compare your partner to. If you have been "dating" for 15 years before you marry, there's a lot of "water" under that bridge.

Marriage is not a competition, and yet lots of couples compete..for attention from each other..from the kids..in their outside incomes..compete as a couple with the neighbors and friends, and parents of their kids' friends.. Marriage should be the REFUGE from competition, not just another contest..

People also marry the wrong people. The hot hot hot sexy person you cannot bear to be away from, may not be a good provider, or may have so many faults that the "steam" has hidden from you.

Our best friends divorced many years ago, and neither of them was happier afterwards. they were not happy when they were married either.. It was just a "different unhappiness".

We have been married 35 years, and have had MANY traumas, and happy times too, but he accepts my faults and I accept his. We might have each married other people and been just the same.. or not..who knows? We were each engaged to other people before we met (I was still engaged when we met)... Life is not as long as people think, and sometimes what you :know" is better than what you "hope to gain"..

People jump into marriage too quickly, expect too much, and then bail out too quickly ..sometimes..

If there is any abuse..it's always better to bail ..