The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 353

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 353

September 29, 2008
Amateur Dramatics Edition

This week John McCain (1,2,8) acts up, Lindsay Graham (3) plays the fool, and Sarah Palin (4,5,6) loses the plot. Don't forget the key!



John McCain

John McCain almost didn't make it to the debate last week. The country is in crisis, and during times of crisis, a real leader TAKES CHARGE! Fuck that talkin' shit, we need ACTION, and we need it NOW! Oh, the drama.

BLAMMO!

McCain suspends his campaign and pulls his advertising! Of course, he doesn't actually suspend his campaign or pull his advertising, but reality isn't important right now. What's important is that McCain is a man who will put country first and TAKE CHARGE! And that means the first presidential debate will simply have to be called off. How convenient.

KAPOW!

McCain SNUBS David Letterman - and lies to him about the reason! Letterman publicly busts McCain in grand style, and the video becomes a YouTube smash and goes into permanent rotation on cable news.

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

McCain arrives back in Washington, but he's TOO LATE! Congressional leaders have announced that a deal has been struck over the bailout bill, which means that McCain will have to attend the debate. McCain flips out and strongarms George W. Bush into calling a meeting, which falls into disarray thanks to the injection of presidential politics. He swings! He misses! He hits himself in the nuts!

PLOT TWIST!

Thanks to McCain's meddling, the deal COLLAPSES! McCain first tries to blame Obama, then vows to stay in Washington until the deal is fixed, despite everyone telling him it might be better if he just took a hike. McCain hangs around like a bad smell for the rest of the day. The next morning, after huddling at his campaign headquarters in Virginia - er, I mean, working hard to fix the economy - McCain does yet another one-eighty and announces that he will grace the debate with his presence after all. Obama immediately pulls down McCain's pants by announcing that after the debate, he's going back to Washington.

GRAND FINALE!

McCain wields an Uzi at Obama! "I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes," he screams, "I'm going to shoot you between the BALLS!" Obama rips a large pipe from the wall and hurls it at McCain, skewering him against a nearby heating unit. Hot vapor explodes from the pipe. Obama says, "Let off some steam, McCain."



John McCain

After all those histrionics, McCain did finally make it to Ole Miss for the debate. Fortunately the general public was spared the chore of having to watch, because as you can see from this Web ad that was accidentally released way too early by the McCain campaign...


Or did he? You be the judge! It's time for...

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots First 2008 Presidential Debate Recap































Lindsay Graham

It's a good job McCain came back to Washington when he did - after all, the bailout is serious business, and it required a man of McCain's brains and cool temperament to navigate the minefield of negotiations. So as soon as the debate was over, McCain rushed back to Washington to "help out," and according to his BFF Sen. Lindsay Graham on Fox News Sunday:

GRAHAM: John didn't phone this one in. ... You can't phone something like this in. Thank God John came back.

Yes, praise Jesus.

Mr. McCain, who arrived home at 4 a.m. Saturday from the presidential debate in Oxford, Miss, could be seen in his car talking on his cell phone. But there was no word from his campaign on who he was talking to, or the extent of his involvement in ongoing negotiations.

By mid-afternoon, Mr. McCain's closest adviser, Mark Salter, told reporters that Mr. McCain would not go to Capitol Hill on Saturday but would make phone calls to try to push the deal along.

Um, isn't that the definition of phoning it in?



Sarah Palin

Gosh, the past week has just been a whirlwind of activity for Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin! First, Uncle John introduced her to the bright lights and big city with a trip to the United Nations in New York where, under an unprecedented media clamp-down, she met some Very Important People, like Dr. Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of India.

The Indian Prime Minister knows the indispensable importance of Palin in U.S. politics and it is this acknowledgment which compelled Singh to shelve his shyness and he tried his best to open up to Palin, though the mental compatibility was absent.

Mandal, who took photographs of the meeting, said that the Indian Prime Minister was speechless when Palin chatted with him.

(snip)

Some other journalists present at the meeting, said that Palin was equally uncomfortable.

Then there was Asif Ali Zardari, the president of Pakistan:

"I am honored to meet you," Ms. Palin said.

"You are even more gorgeous than you are on the (inaudible)," Mr. Zardari said.

"You are so nice," Ms. Palin replied. "Thank you."

"Now I know why the whole of America is crazy about you," Mr. Zardari continued. At which point an aide told the two to shake hands.

"I'm supposed to pose again," Ms. Palin said.

"If he's insisting," Mr. Zardari said, "I might hug."

Sarah was also fortunate enough to meet Hamid Karzai, president of Afghanistan.

The campaign of Sen. John McCain sought to highlight the sessions with several photo-ops, though they limited the media's access, at one point barring print reporters from observing Palin's initial exchange with Karzai. They also asked photographers and the TV crew to leave after about a half-minute of recording as Palin and Karzai discussed Karzai's son, who was born in January 2007.

"What is his name?" Palin asked.

"Mirwais," Karzai said. "Mirwais, which means, 'The Light of the House.'"

"Oh, nice," Palin said.

And to think - in just a few months time, she could actually be President of the United States.



Sarah Palin

With her trip to the U.N. out of the way, Sarah was feeling increasingly confident about her next big interview, this time with Katie Couric of CBS. After nailing last week's hardball interview with Sean Hannity, this should be a cinch!

And Sarah's confidence certainly shone through. Here's an excerpt from part one:

COURIC: You've said, quote, "John McCain will reform the way Wall Street does business." Other than supporting stricter regulations of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac two years ago, can you give us any more example of his leading the charge for more oversight?

PALIN: I think that the example that you just cited, with his warnings two years ago about Fannie and Freddie - that, that's paramount. That's more than a heck of a lot of other senators and representatives did for us.

COURIC: But he's been in Congress for 26 years. He's been chairman of the powerful Commerce Committee. And he has almost always sided with less regulation, not more.

PALIN: He's also known as the maverick, though. Taking shots from his own party, and certainly taking shots from the other party. Trying to get people to understand what he's been talking about - the need to reform government.

COURIC: I'm just going to ask you one more time, not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation?

PALIN: I'll try to find you some, and I'll bring them to you.

And from part two:

COURIC: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land - boundary that we have with - Canada. It - it's funny that a comment like that was - kind of made to - cari - I don't know, you know? Reporters--

COURIC: Mock?

PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

COURIC: Well explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.

PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our - our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They're in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia -

COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We - we do - it's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where - where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is - from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to - to our state.

Um, Putin is doing what in the where now?



Sarah Palin

But don't worry about Sarah Palin. She'll be fine - she's got special protection.

A grainy YouTube video surfaced Wednesday showing Sarah Palin being blessed in her hometown church three years ago by a Kenyan pastor who prayed for protection from "witchcraft" as she prepared to seek higher office.

The video shows Palin standing before Bishop Thomas Muthee in the pulpit of the Wasilla Assembly of God church, holding her hands open as he asked Jesus Christ to keep her safe from "every form of witchcraft."

And who is Bishop Thomas Muthee? According to the UK Times:

The pastor whose prayer Sarah Palin says helped her to become governor of Alaska founded his ministry with a witchhunt against a Kenyan woman who he accused of causing car accidents through demonic spells.

(snip)

According to the Christian Science Monitor, six months of fervent prayer and research identified the source of the witchcraft as a local woman called Mama Jane, who ran a "divination" centre called the Emmanuel Clinic.

Her alleged involvement in fortune-telling and the fact that she lived near the site of a number of fatal car accidents led Pastor Muthee to publicly declare her a witch responsible for the town's ills, and order her to offer her up her soul for salvation or leave Kiambu.

(snip)

According to accounts of the witchhunt circulated on evangelical websites such as Prayer Links Ministries, after Pastor Muthee declared Mama Jane a witch, the townspeople became suspicious and began to turn on her, demanding that she be stoned. Public outrage eventually led the police to raid her home, where they fired gunshots, killing a pet python which they believed to be a demon.

After Mama Jane was questioned by police - and released - she decided it was time to leave town, the account says.

Can it get any worse? Well, yes, as it turns out, it can. During the same sermon in which he blessed Sarah Palin, Muthee said this:

The second area whereby God wants us, wants to penetrate in our society is in the economic area. The Bible says that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. It's high time that we have top Christian businessmen, businesswomen, bankers, you know, who are men and women of integrity running the economics of our nations. That's what we are waiting for. That's part and parcel of transformation.

If you look at the -- you know -- if you look at the Israelites, that's how they work. And that's how they are, even today.

Oops.



Rick Davis

Things couldn't be going better for McCain campaign manager Rick Davis. Sure, McCain's campaign could be going better - but who cares about that when you're busy raking in the cash from failed mortgage giants?

Senator John McCain's campaign manager was paid more than $30,000 a month for five years as president of an advocacy group set up by the mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to defend them against stricter regulations, current and former officials say.

Hmm. That sounds a bit embarrassing, given that McCain has just been railing against Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and their lobbyist pals.

But don't worry. John McCain has faith in Rick Davis.

On Sunday, in an interview with CNBC and the New York Times, Mr. McCain responded to a question about Mr. Davis's role in the advocacy group by saying that his campaign manager "has had nothing to do with it since, and I'll be glad to have his record examined by anybody who wants to look at it."

Ah, the old Gary Hart gambit. You know, if Rick Davis was a half-decent campaign manager, he probably would have advised McCain not to do that. Oh well...

One of the giant mortgage companies at the heart of the credit crisis paid $15,000 a month from the end of 2005 through last month to a firm owned by Senator John McCain's campaign manager, according to two people with direct knowledge of the arrangement. The disclosure undercuts a statement by Mr. McCain on Sunday night that the campaign manager, Rick Davis, had had no involvement with the company for the last several years.

Through last month? Well... I guess if he's not still working for them now, that's better than nothing. Just as long as he's not still on the payroll...

The lobbying firm of Rick Davis, Sen. John McCain's (R-Ariz.) campaign manager, remains on the payroll of mortgage giant Freddie Mac, according to two sources with knowledge of the arrangement.

(snip)

The news comes in the wake of a Monday report in the New York Times detailing Davis' work for the mortgage companies that sparked an aggressive response from the McCain campaign. That report suggested that Davis Manafort ended its work for the companies once they decided to shutter the advocacy group, called the Homeownership Alliance.

Oh dear.



John McCain

Got any other Fannie and Freddie lobbyists hanging around that you'd like to tell us about, John?

The lobbying firm of the man Republicans say John McCain has chosen to begin planning a presidential transition earned more than a quarter of a million dollars this year representing Freddie Mac, one of the companies McCain blames for the nation's financial crisis.

Timmons & Co., whose founder and chairman emeritus is William Timmons Sr., was registered to lobby for Freddie Mac from 2000 through this month, when the federal government took over both Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

Okay... so is that all of them? Come on John, spill the beans...

McCain has been quick with fiery, populist-tinged speeches. But one thing has been missing: any acknowledgment that McCain's own campaign has been loaded with the type of people he's been denouncing. ... Several of McCain's most senior campaign aides have lobbied for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. And the Democratic National Committee, using publicly available records, has identified 177 lobbyists working for the McCain campaign as either aides, policy advisers, or fundraisers.

Of those 177 lobbyists, according to a Mother Jones review of Senate and House records, at least 83 have in recent years lobbied for the financial industry McCain now attacks. These are high-paid influence-peddlers who have been working the corridors of the nation's capital to win favors and special treatment for investment banks, securities firms, hedge funds, accounting outfits, and insurance companies. Their clients have included AIG, the newest symbol of corporate excess; Lehman Brothers, which filed for bankruptcy on Monday sending the stock market into a tailspin; Merrill Lynch, which was bought out by Bank of America this week; and Washington Mutual...

Yikes. And this is the team that's going to reform Washington, is it? No wonder McCain suspended his campaign and ran around like a headless chicken the day the Rick Davis story broke. Hey, look over here! No lobbyists this way!

Don't worry John - I'm sure Barack Obama will be nice enough to not mention any of this again before the presidential debates are over. Heh heh.



Rudy Giuliani

Meanwhile, Rudy Guiliani - whom John McCain took to the Ole Miss debate in lieu of Sarah Palin - is getting ready to jump aboard the New Great Depression Gravy Train. According to the New York Daily News:

Rudy Giuliani is positioning his law firm to cash in on Wall Street's train wreck - a move that has become a gift to political enemies of his pal John McCain.

Even as the nation's $700 billion, taxpayer-funded Wall Street bailout was still being hashed out, the former mayor announced Thursday his high-powered law firm has set up a task force.

Its mission: to help corporate clients get a piece of the action - or keep the federal wolves from the door.

"Our team of former government officials and experienced attorneys in the fields of legislation, enforcement and finance are equipped to guide institutions in this quickly evolving and complex environment," Giuliani noted in a press release from his law firm, Bracewell & Giuliani.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rudy Giuliani.




George W. Bush

And finally, let's give a shout-out to that lamest of ducks, George W. Bush. This economic crisis is the final nail in the coffin of his disastrous presidency (at least, I bloody well hope it is) and he's slinking towards the exit safe in the knowledge that he really will go down in history as the worst president ever.

Bush tried to rally the nation last week with a prime time speech on the economy, during which he sounded less than reassuring.

BUSH: There has been a widespread loss of confidence, and major sectors of America's financial system are at risk of shutting down. The government's top economic experts warn that, without immediate action by Congress, America could slip into a financial panic and a distressing scenario would unfold. More banks could fail, including some in your community. The stock market would drop even more, which would reduce the value of your retirement account. The value of your home could plummet. Foreclosures would rise dramatically. And if you own a business or a farm, you would find it harder and more expensive to get credit. More businesses would close their doors, and millions of Americans could lose their jobs. Even if you have good credit history, it would be more difficult for you to get the loans you need to buy a car or send your children to college. And, ultimately, our country could experience a long and painful recession.

He concluded, "Blood will rain from the sky, cats will lie down with dogs, and the dead will rise from their graves. God bless America."

Heck. Of. A Job. Dubya.

No wonder the American Research Group's latest poll gives George an approval rating of 19%. Single digits by January, anyone?

See you next week!

-- EarlG