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Episode 14: The McCain Campaign has an IDEA! [View All]

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ThShifties Donating Member (30 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-21-08 11:41 AM
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Episode 14: The McCain Campaign has an IDEA!
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An early-morning campaign strategy meeting at McCain headquarters, Karl Rove disciple Steve Bullet Head Schmidt presiding. The Senator is in another room watching the Olympics.

Steve Schmidt: What about this situation in South Ossetia?

Aide: Looks like its beginning to de-escalate a little.

Schmidt: Cant we do something to perk it back up? War would really help us. Even if were not directly involved. Just the suggestion of war is something we could play off.

Second Aide: Maybe the President could designate it an Axis of Evil.

Schmidt: Old news. Nobody cares what the President thinks. Other ideas?

First Aide: I got it. We could accidentally discover some yellow-cake uranium. Wait a minute which side should look bad? Russians or Georgians?

Schmidt: Good question. Get me some detail by two this afternoon. Like, where is Georgia? Who runs it? By the way, do we like the Russian president?

Third aide: Putin? We used to. Im not sure any more.

Schmidt: Whos a famous bad boy we could compare him to?

Third aide: Im Googling. Okay, looks like Lenin, Stalin, Ivan the Terrible. Vlad the Impaler no, I take that back, he was Romanian.

Schmidt: Lets go with Stalin. Blame Putin for everything, then the Senator can come out strongly against him. Thinks Not bad, but what we really need is something dramatic. Like we need to invade somebody or something.

First aide: Whats wrong with Iraq?

Schmidt: It isnt new, that whats wrong with it. What would really change the world balance of power? Think big, people.

Second aide: I have an idea, but Im not sure youre going to like it.

Schmidt: Why wouldnt I like it?

Second aide: Its pretty radical.

Schmidt: Im okay with radical. Long as McCain looks good.

Second aide: Okay, here goes. Weve got that chronic problem in the Middle East, right? Israelis and Arabs. Nobody is going to solve that. And weve got another thorn in our side with Cuba. Not quite so hot, but still, we dont like them, and they dont like us.

Schmidt: Gotcha. So whats the answer?

Second aide: The Senator proposes we join with the Israelis to seize Cuba.

Third aide: puzzled Is Cuba big enough to hold all the Israelis?

Second aide: Its five times the size of Israel. And better still, they only have 11 million people in Cuba. Plenty of room for 7 million Jews.

Schmidt: Wont the people who are already there hate them?

Second aide: Like they arent used to that?

Schmidt: Good point. Whats the upside?

Second aide: Huge. One, you make the Arabs really happy. That translates to more oil for less money. Two, you get a loyal ally right off your coast, instead of some banana dictatorship. Besides, dont most Israelis have relatives in Miami Beach? You could carry Florida. Plus Im told Jews prefer a moister climate.

Schmidt:considering Just kick Fidel off the island.

Third aide: Fidels already gone. Its his brother.

Schmidt: The legal boys have any problem justifying invasion of a sovereign nation?

Second aide: After Iraq? You must be kidding. Castro is a dictator. Right? He restricts freedom, right? Hes hostile to us. Its just like Saddam. Invasion is OK. .

Look, if McCain gets elected, its legal. If he doesnt, who cares? Its only a campaign promise.

Schmidt: Get me a brief, no more than two pages double-spaced, remember its the Candidate wholl be reading it. Words of three syllables or less. Play up the benefits, play down the risks. We can go with it tomorrow morning. Thatll leave Obama speechless.

The base will absolutely love this one.
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