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NOW tense Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Nov-29-09 03:01 PM
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72. BREAKING NEWS
Santa's workshop fell through ice and Christmas has been canceled this year. One of Santa's helpers was quoted as saying "You fucking morons never paid attention to what was going on up here! Just because it is cold doesn't mean that your pollution doesn't affect us." He also said that Santa is preparing drastic measures to show the World "what you ungrateful people have done to me." One source told us that Santa considered giving everyone a chunk a coal for Christmas "but, the parents would probably just fucking burn the coal, and make matters worse." Details are sketchy but some think that the elves have been collecting the polar bear carcasses and are planning on dropping them on people's houses this year in what has been called "Operation Elves Are Tired of Stupid Human's Ill Tidings or E.A.T. S.H.I.T."

When asked for comment James M. Inhofe(R-Okla) said "who cares? we need to take the Christ back from Christmas." he also told us that "I could care less about this situation because my oil masters give me the kind of presents I like... Cash!" and that his God will "smite that pagan down." On condition of anonymity one of his staffers told us "Jimmy has hated Santa ever since he didn't get that prostitute he asked for when he was a freshman senator."

Former Gov. Palin AK (R) said that her and Todd have been monitoring the situation from their home. She was quoted as saying "If Santa rears his fat head with gumdrop eyes, I will shoot him like any other animal in the North." She also blamed the liberal media for over blowing the situation. She said that "Santa was a socialist and is just looking for a handout, Walmart beat him in the free market and also Mrs. Clause is just jealous of me, and also I have a place for that reindeer with his red nose on my wall also too, and this is also Steve's fault too, and stuff also too." When asked for comment Levi Johnston said "don't worry she will give up on the Santa watch and probably not follow through, just like everything else she does."
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