Reply #172: Most survivors never tell...

[CoffeeCat]

Just because survivors aren't revolting in the streets--doesn't mean that we are not out there.

Study after study bears out the numbers: That one in four girls is sexually abused before the age of 18, and one in 7 boys.

I have been in several support groups for survivors of sexual abuse, and I've met hundreds of survivors. It's rare to meet someone who told. I've only met a handful.

The trauma of a molestation goes beyond the physical crimes. Perpetrators are horrendously skilled at silencing their victims. It's amazing when you sit in support groups--because it's almost as if perps read from the same handbook. Most children are told that if they tell, "Mommy and Daddy will go to jail." Many are told that "Mommy will kill daddy and then you won't have a home to live in." Even something simple as, "Everyone will hate you" or "No one will believe you" is horrifying to a child. Please remember, that we're talking about children who still believe in Santa Claus. They are easily manipulated. The threats are absolutely traumatizing. The child is broken and terrified most of the time.

In addition, another universal pedophile tactic is to manipulate the victim into believing that the abuse is her fault. This is called "grooming." An abuser will show a child pornography and ask them to touch them or put their mouth on them, "like in the picture." A five year old has no idea what is going on. So, they do it--because they usually trust and depend on the abuser. Then, after the child does it, the abuser will say, "I won't tell anyone what you did. You'll be in big trouble for doing that! But it will be our secret." The child is in a fog of confusion. Perps break down victims and they create trauma bonds between the perp and the victim. The victim feels compelled to do what the perp says. The victim feels powerless and helpless and she learns to distrust her own feelings. She wants it to stop, but she feels trapped. She's so emotionally broken--asking her to turn in her own father--when she's so traumatized--is like asking a bird with broken wings to fly away from the nest.

Perps masterfully transfer the guilt, blame and shame onto the victim. The victim remains silent. My abuser constantly told me it was my fault, "I don't do this with other children! You wanted this!" Tough words for a seven-year old to hear. I believed it too. It's much easier to believe that it was my fault--than the face the stark reality that my father was an evil monster.

Believe me, I'd like nothing more than to bash my father's head in. He abused me and allowed others to as well. However, it's not that simple. Most survivors have PTSD. Terrorizing someone into fear has repercussions for the victim and shedding those fears takes time. I've been in therapy for 4 years and I'm still afraid of my father.

Furthermore, awareness of sexual abuse and victim advocacy is a relatively new thing. More victims are coming forward, but it's going to take some time before victims feel strong enough and accepted enough to do that. There's a lot of blaming-the-victim stuff that goes on. Look at the recent Paul Shanley priest case. He molested dozens of boys. Only one has the strength to take Shanley to trial. His credibility is being razored to shreds by an "expert" who claims that recovered memories are balderdash. It's hard to come forward. It's no picnic.