the Desk of George W. Bush
September 11, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo
Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level
"mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall
refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information
to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk
of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information
to you on a regular basis.
know it's a little early to be writin you, but
you're my only hope. Dickie says we gotta choose
between spendin money on my Education Program
or on my Missile Defense Shield. Dickie says we
got no money left after that tax cut and them
Dang Democrats are squealin like stuck piglets
cause we might take money from Social Security.
Now, I don't get this! Ain't Social Security for
protectin folks? Social means folks, right? And
Security means protectin, right? And won't a Missile
Defense Shield protect folks? Them Dang Democrats
always gotta be causin me grief. They gives me
the brain pain - BIG TIME!
Dickie says folks will be ticked if we choose
Missile Defense over Education. Dickie says folks
don't care about Missile Defense, but they sure
as heck care about Education. Dickie says even
though my Education Program sucks and don't do
doodie, folks think it's better than nothin. I
don't get this either. What's the problem with
Education? Every kiddie I meet is a heck of a
lot smarter than me and I'm the President. How
much more learnin do them kiddies need, anyway?
But Dickie says folks won't vote for me in 2004
if we choose Missile Defense. Don't that suck?
Santa, here's the thing. I really want that
Missile Defense Shield and that's what I want
you to bring me for Christmas. Only make sure,
on bottom of the Missile Defense Shield, it
says "Made in USA" not "Made in China" cause
I'm still ticked at them Dang Chinese. As a
matter of fact, they're gonna be the first to
get a taste of the MDS's awesome destructive
force. As that cute little Cartman says on "South
Park," them Dang Chinese are gonna "RESPECT
I don't want you to think I'm just gonna use
the MDS to give them Dang Chinese payback, cause
I got a lot of other plans for it. After them
Dang Chinese, I'm gonna smoke me some Dang A-rabs,
cause they've just been beggin for it. Then,
I'm gonna smoke me some Dang Democrats, cause
they're makin my life a livin hell. Then, I'm
gonna smoke me some caribou, so we can drill
for oil in Alaska. Then, I'm gonna smoke me
some Greenies, cause they're a big pain in my
posterior. Then, I'm gonna smoke that Dang Presidente
Fox for makin me look like a horse's patooty
when I thought he was my best buddy. Then, I'm
gonna smoke Janet Reno, although I don't know
why I should help Jebby after that whole Florida
election mess. Then, if Dickie don't get off
back about fartin in the oval office, I'm gonna
smoke him, too. Finally, I'm gonna smoke me some
Frenchies - just cuz!
yeah, I forgot to mention that I have been a really
good boy this year Santa. I've been eatin all
my Broccoli. I haven't had much beer. I haven't
crank called Tom Daschle in two days. I haven't
sent Jebby any hangin chads since April. And I've
only been naughty on Friday nights with Lauri.
Santa, you see, I really deserve that Missile
Defense Shield and it's the only thing I'm askin
for this year - well, that and lots of batteries
to run it, so I don't have to send Lauri out for
them on Christmas morning.
by the way, I lost a tooth tryin to open a beer
bottle. Do you think the tooth fairy will give
me 10 billion dollars for the Social Security
"lock box" so I can get them Dang Democrats off
my back? And do you think it's too soon to ask
the Easter Bunny for an upturn in the Economy?
Let me know.
Best Little President,
other leaked material