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From the Desk of George W. Bush
September 25, 2002
as told to Rebecca Salcedo

Overjoyed to be out of Crawford, TX and back in Washington, DC, Hot Lips was enjoying a leisurely stroll in the rose garden outside the oval office, breathing in the fresh manure-free air, when she was attacked by a wayward paper airplane. When she unfolded it, she discovered the following memo.


To: George W. Bush, President of the United States
From: Dan Bartlett, Communications Director
Re: overuse of colloquialisms

I realize you feel it is important to occasionally deviate from planned speeches and make colorful, off-the-cuff remarks to foster your image as a down-home good ol' boy despite your privileged background and Yale education. However, recent polling has shown that the American people prefer their president to at least appear intelligent and have some command of the English language. Therefore, in the future, please read all prepared speeches as written and avoid the following colloquialisms when answering questions from the press:

• Weirder than a squirrel humpin' a rabbit.
• Crawfished
• Prettier than my lucky shotgun.
• The economy's like a rusty pickup truck with a full tank of regular and a tricky clutch, chuggin' up a windy mountain road in December, durin' a monsoon with a rabid beaver ridin' shotgun—ah hell, what was the question?
• Forest fires are like fires but in the forest.
• Saddam's slipperier than a greased catfish and nastier than week-old road kill.
• Sadder than a three-legged dog.
• More shockin' than a room full of iguanas.
• Luckier than a cowboy at a cheerleader convention.
• The thing about education are that it's important to study real hard and do good on exam so you ain't left behind and never not get nowhere and wind up workin' at a fast food joint flippin' burgers and living in a rundown trailer in Florida and bein' to dang stupid to punch the right dang whole on a dang ballot in a important election where the count is so close the dang superior court's gotta figger out whom won.
• It sucks more than a tornado in a trailer park.
• More irritatin' than a plum loco, sumbitch roster making a Godamighty ruckus ‘fore sunup.
• Y'all come back and see us, y'hear

 

The following week, Hot Lips was finally able to snag the plans Dubya has been reviewing all week concerning a possible U.S. invasion of Iraq. We thought long and hard about whether or not publishing these plans would threaten national security, but have decided—what the hell!

Super Duper Top Secret Plans for Invading Iraq*
*without Congressional or U.N. approval

All of the following options can be implemented covertly without approval from either the United Nations or the U.S. Congress.

Option 1 – Hari Krishna Paratroopers
The Hari Krishna organization has very generously volunteered their services to take over all Iraqi airports and airstrips. They already have extensive training in this area and are ready to go at a moment's notice. The best part is they require minimal equipment — parachutes, tambourines, and flowers.

Option 2 – Celebrity Volunteer Special Forces Unit
The following celebrities have volunteered their services and special skills to penetrate Iraqi defenses and locate and eliminate Saddam.

Anne Robinson – Highly trained to hurl deadly insults
Ozzy Osbourne – Specializes in biting heads off and drinking blood
Geraldo Rivera – Specially trained to find empty vaults and previously used escape routes.
Richard Simmons – Can move, groove, and lose those Iraqis
Arnold Schwarzenegger – He's the Terminator for God's sake — enough said!
Anna Nicole Smith – Expert in initiating cardiac failure and confusing conversation

Option 3 – Billy Ray Cyrus Assault
Once located, Saddam's palace can be surrounded with large speakers which will play Billy Ray Cyrus's Achy Breaky Heart over, and over, and over again. It is scientifically proven that no human can stand more than two hours of such an assault.

Option 4 – Locust infestation
We have acquired genetically engineered locusts, which will be able to locate Saddam and nibble him to death.



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