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From
the Desk of George W. Bush
September 25, 2002
as told to Rebecca Salcedo
Overjoyed to be out of Crawford, TX and back in Washington,
DC, Hot Lips was enjoying a leisurely stroll in the rose garden
outside the oval office, breathing in the fresh manure-free
air, when she was attacked by a wayward paper airplane. When
she unfolded it, she discovered the following memo.
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To:
George
W. Bush, President of the United States
From: Dan Bartlett, Communications Director
Re: overuse of colloquialisms
I
realize you feel it is important to occasionally
deviate from planned speeches and make colorful,
off-the-cuff remarks to foster your image as a
down-home good ol' boy despite your privileged
background and Yale education. However, recent
polling has shown that the American people prefer
their president to at least appear intelligent
and have some command of the English language.
Therefore, in the future, please read all prepared
speeches as written and avoid the following colloquialisms
when answering questions from the press:
•
Weirder than a squirrel humpin' a rabbit.
• Crawfished
• Prettier than my lucky shotgun.
• The economy's like a rusty pickup truck
with a full tank of regular and a tricky clutch,
chuggin' up a windy mountain road in December,
durin' a monsoon with a rabid beaver ridin'
shotgun—ah hell, what was the question?
• Forest fires are like fires but in the
forest.
• Saddam's slipperier than a greased catfish
and nastier than week-old road kill.
• Sadder than a three-legged dog.
• More shockin' than a room full of iguanas.
• Luckier than a cowboy at a cheerleader
convention.
• The thing about education are that it's
important to study real hard and do good on
exam so you ain't left behind and never not
get nowhere and wind up workin' at a fast food
joint flippin' burgers and living in a rundown
trailer in Florida and bein' to dang stupid
to punch the right dang whole on a dang ballot
in a important election where the count is so
close the dang superior court's gotta figger
out whom won.
• It sucks more than a tornado in a trailer
park.
• More irritatin' than a plum loco, sumbitch
roster making a Godamighty ruckus ‘fore sunup.
• Y'all come back and see us, y'hear
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The following week, Hot Lips was finally able to snag the
plans Dubya has been reviewing all week concerning a possible
U.S. invasion of Iraq. We thought long and hard about whether
or not publishing these plans would threaten national security,
but have decided—what the hell!
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Super
Duper Top Secret Plans for Invading Iraq*
*without
Congressional or U.N. approval
All
of the following options can be implemented covertly
without approval from either the United Nations
or the U.S. Congress.
Option
1 – Hari Krishna Paratroopers
The
Hari Krishna organization has very generously
volunteered their services to take over all Iraqi
airports and airstrips. They already have extensive
training in this area and are ready to go at a
moment's notice. The best part is they require
minimal equipment — parachutes, tambourines, and
flowers.
Option
2 – Celebrity Volunteer Special Forces Unit
The
following celebrities have volunteered their services
and special skills to penetrate Iraqi defenses
and locate and eliminate Saddam.
Anne Robinson – Highly trained to hurl
deadly insults
Ozzy Osbourne – Specializes in biting heads
off and drinking blood
Geraldo Rivera – Specially trained to find
empty vaults and previously used escape routes.
Richard Simmons – Can move, groove, and
lose those Iraqis
Arnold Schwarzenegger – He's the Terminator
for God's sake — enough said!
Anna Nicole Smith – Expert in initiating
cardiac failure and confusing conversation
Option
3 – Billy Ray Cyrus Assault
Once
located, Saddam's palace can be surrounded with
large speakers which will play Billy Ray Cyrus's
Achy Breaky Heart over, and over, and over
again. It is scientifically proven that no human
can stand more than two hours of such an assault.
Option
4 – Locust infestation
We
have acquired genetically engineered locusts,
which will be able to locate Saddam and nibble
him to death.
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See other leaked material
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