From the Desk of George W. Bush - Democratic Underground

From the Desk of George W. Bush
September 5, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo

Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level "mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information to you on a regular basis.

Note from Brass Mustache: The following text was discovered written on a scratch-pad, under a pile of MAD magazines on the Oval Office desk:

Ideas for Health Care Reform:

Ah, let’s see. Dang, this is hard! When I asked Dickie to gimme somethin to do, I kinda meant somethin like playin ball with the kiddies on the South Lawn in front of them shutter bugs. Somethin that makes me look cool and hip. But noooooooo, he makes me come up with five ideas for Health Care Reform or I get no supper. Dang! Dang! DICKIE SUCKS!!!!!

Dang, I forgot. I have to give this paper back to Dickie. Just kiddin, Dickie, you’re one cool dude, man! Okay, health care, health care. Somethin that gets them Dang Democrats off my back.

1. We, the government, will pay for all sick folks to have free Health Care.

There! That should make my approval ratin start goin up! Dang, I forgot. Dickie said we got no more money cause we spent it all on that tax cut. Wait, if we gave folks back all that money why can’t they pay for their own health care? THAT’S IT!!!

1. We, the government, grant folks the right to see a doctor when they’re sick and pay for it themselves.

There’s one, only four to go! Dang, #1 was so good! How can I top that? Dang, Dang! Okay, health care, sick folks. What do sick folks want? A doctor. I already got that. Okay, what else? OH, I KNOW! When I’m sick Mommy always gives me a sucker and that always makes me feel better!

2. We, the government, will give all —

Oh, wait. No money. Okay.

2. We, the government, will let all sick folks buy themselves suckers.

Yeah, two down! I’m cool. I’m hip. I’m the Daddy!

Now what? Think, Dubya, think. Health care. Sick folks. What else do sick folks want? What else. What else! Dang, there’s that dang brain pain again. I need an aspirin. THAT’S IT!! Medicine! That’s the ticket! Sick folks need medicine!

We could make some sort of program to get sick folks medicine. But we can’t spend no money on it. How can we get sick folks medicine with no money? Maybe we don’t really have to get them medicine. Maybe if we just did somethin to make it look like we’re getting sick folks medicine. But what? Hummmmm.

I know! A discount card. I remember our old maid, Rosa, had one, so she could buy food. We could do the same thing only with medicine. Let’s see, sick folk buy a discount card for — what’s a nice round number — 25 bucks — and then the pharmacies will give them — 25% off their medicine!

3. We, the government, grant sick folks the right to buy a discount card for 25 bucks.

That’s so cool! 25 bucks for 25% off. I’ll call it my Quarter-Back Plan! I love it! I love it! Come on, Dubya, only two more ideas. You can do it!

Hey, didn’t I see the other night on the tv how some guy with old-timers was cured when some preacher woman laid hands on him? Layin hands on folks doesn’t sound like it can cost very much. We could make the sick folks have preacher women lay hands on them. We could call it Faith Based Healin!

4. We, the government, order sick folks to get Faith Based Healin.

Dang, only one more idea to go and I can’t think of nothin. Let’s see, I got doctors, suckers, quarterbacks, and preacher women. Hey that kinda sounds like that singin group, Men at Work. Cool! That’s an idea! Maybe we could get a person for each of my ideas for Health Care Reform and they could form a singin group. They could go around the country promotin it. Folks love singing groups! That’s dang brilliant! But I need one more person. Let’s see, someone not like the others. Someone really different.

I GOT IT!! The Executioner! He kills the really sick poor folks!

5. We, the government, order that all really sick poor folks have electric current passed through their bodies until they are dead, God have mercy on their souls.

That’s five! I’m the Daddy! I’m the Daddy! Time to get me some grub. All this talk of fryin folks has got my mouth a waterin. Gonna get me some Bar-B-Q. Heck, all this work? I think I deserve a special treat! Hey Dickie, una cerveza, por favor!

DUBYA