From the Desk of George W. Bush
August 21, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo

Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level "mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information to you on a regular basis.

While searching for actual physical evidence proving conclusively that George W. Bush did indeed graduate from "the" Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut, and not, as suspected, Ye Ale University in Cerveza, Texas, "Brass Mustache" recently discovered a file containing highly classified documents. Initially, he dismissed these documents as too outrageous to be legitimate internal White House documents. He believed they had to be a joke or some elaborate hoax to throw him off track. However, after a thorough investigation, we have determined that, however disturbing these documents may be, they are legitimate. We call them - The Dixie Cup Papers.

Project Dixie Cup (page 1)

Brief Overview:

Project Dixie Cup is a five-year plan to completely privatize the public school system by means of corporate sponsorship.

Background:

A July 22, 1999 article, "Flunking Out" by Stuart Eskenazi, published in the Dallas Observer, discussed Texas's charter school system. Mentioned in the article was a school with a science class in which students were required to make their own triple-beam balances out of "drinking straws, a small plastic cup, and a wooden base"-hence the codename "Project Dixie Cup." Although this article's main thrust was to criticize Texas's miss managed charter schools for not providing students with the appropriate and necessary materials, we've found a spark of inspiration in it.

Benefits:

We believe that by allowing corporations to take over the management of public schools we can make them into profitable enterprises. Federal funds could then be redirected to more worthwhile endeavors such as tax reduction and reimbursement, military defense, oil and natural gas exploration on federal reserves, and buying Mexico and, maybe, Canada.

Implementation:

Of course, this plan must be implemented gradually so as not to alarm the left-wing element. A proposed schedule for implementation is as follows:

Year 1: Allow corporations to advertise in schools by supplying equipment. (Ex. Dixie Cup triple beam balances, 3M desks, Denny's blackboards)
Year 2: Allow corporate sponsorship of school sports teams. (Ex. the Levi's, the Nike's)
Year 3: Allow corporate advertisements on school buildings and buses.
Year 4: Require all students to wear uniforms emblazoned with corporate logos.
Year 5: Allow corporations complete control over school management including determining student curriculum.

We have approached a number of corporations and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Several corporations have already submitted proposals. We've included these proposals along with an evaluation of their feasibility.

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Project Dixie Cup (page 2)

Exxon Proposal

Equipment sponsorship:
Exxon cafeteria trays, Exxon water fountains

Sports sponsorship:
The Exxon Oil Spills (mascot - Oily the Bird)

Curriculum:

English:
Petroleum Verse and Literature
Petroleum's influence on 19th century American Literature

Mathematics:
Oil Spill Statistics
Natural Gas Exploration Trigonometry

Science:
Petroleum Geology
The Chemistry of Petroleum

History:
Petroleum and the Industrial Revolution
How Petroleum Won World War II

Performing Arts:
The Natural Gas Marching Band
The Gas Station Players

Physical Fitness:
Oil Spill Cleanup Aerobics
Refinery Weight Training

Evaluation:
Excellent Proposal! Meets every aspect of our criteria. The children who attend Exxon schools will be lucky indeed.

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Project Dixie Cup (page 3)

Phillip Morris Proposal

Equipment Sponsorship:
Phillip Morris Air Conditions, Phillip Morris Salad Bar

Sports Sponsorship:
The Wheezers (mascot - Blacky the Lung)

Curriculum:

English:
Tobacco's role in 16th century English Literature
Nicotine Haiku

Mathematics:
Cancer Calculus
Emphysema Algebra

Science:
Tobacco Horticulture
The Physics of Cigarette Rolling

History:
Tobacco's Role in American Politics
Tobacco through the Ages

Performing Arts:
The Coughing Cadet Concert Band
The Chewin' Tobacco Troop

Physical Fitness:
Cross Country Tobacco Spitting
The Chain Smoking Relay

Evaluation:
Another excellent proposal - Enough said!

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Project Dixie Cup (page 4)

Trojan Proposal

Equipment Sponsorship:
Trojan chalkboard erasers, Trojan student desks

Sports Sponsorship:
The Trojan Titans (mascot - Condom Man)

Curriculum:

English:
The Prophylactic and 20th century Romantic Literature
Prophylactic Prose

Mathematics:
Condom Calculus
Prophylactic Breakage Probability

Science:
The Chemical Composition of Latex
The Condom's Effect on Human Reproduction

History:
The Rise of the Prophylactic
The Prophylactic and the Sexual Revolution

Performing Arts:
The Glow in the Dark Marching Trojans
The Ribbed for Her Pleasure Players

Physical Fitness:
Condom Tug of War
Condom Beach Volleyball

Evaluation:
Although this is an excellent proposal, we feel that Trojan schools will not be well received by the conservative religious right. Accepting this proposal might well be political suicide for the 2004 presidential election, therefore we recommend rejecting this proposal.

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Project Dixie Cup (page 5)

Billy Graham Evangelistic Association Proposal

Equipment Sponsorship:
Billy Graham toilet paper, Billy Graham filing cabinets

Sports Sponsorship:
The Jesus Freaks (mascot - Jesus)

Curriculum:

English:
The Old Testament
The New Testament

Mathematics:
The Holy Trilogy Trigonometry
Evangelical Logic

Science:
Creationism - The Birth of Humanity
Faith Healing Technologies

History:
The Rise of Christianity
Religious Freedom and the American Revolution

Performing Arts:
Holy Rollers Jazz Band
The Ten Commandments Comedy Troop

Evaluation:
Although there might be some criticism about overstepping the separation between church and state, we feel this is an excellent proposal. The politics benefits far outweigh any negative political ramifications.

END