From the Desk of George W. Bush
August 7, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo

Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level "mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information to you on a regular basis.

"Brass Mustache" recently acquired a highly sensitive, secret recording of a clandestine meeting of several top White House officials in the Oval Office. The following is a detailed transcript of that meeting:

--- START OF TAPE ---

VP [VICE PRESIDENT RICHARD CHENEY]: (clears throat) Good morning, everyone. As you know, we are here this morning to finalize arrangements for the President’s vacation.

FLEISCHER [WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY ARI FLEISCHER]: Are we still calling it a working vacation?

VP: Yes, it’s best to stick as close to the truth as possible.

CARD [WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF ANDREW CARD]: But he won’t be working.

HUGHES [KAREN HUGHES, COUNSELOR TO THE PRESIDENT]: No, he’s going to be worked on.

RICE [NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR CONDOLEEZA RICE]: Can you explain how this works again? I’m not sure I understand how these treatments work.

VP: They take embryonic stem cells, remove the genetic material, and then insert the genetic material of healthy, human brain cells. Then the cells are implanted into his brain. It is my understanding that they’ll then multiply and replace his, shall we say (clears throat), slightly abnormal, brain cells.

CARD: How many treatments do they think will be necessary?

VP: Thirty, one for every day of his vacation.

HUGHES: Will that be enough?

VP: I don’t know, but we can’t make the vacation any longer or else the press will get suspicious. We’ll just have to hope.

RICE: But won’t they be suspicious anyway?

FLEISCHER: That’s why we’ve coincided the vacation with the President’s annual check-up.

POWELL [SECRETARY OF STATE COLIN POWELL]: But what will we say about the bandage on his head?

MATALIN [MARY MATALIN, AIDE TO THE VICE PRESIDENT]: We’ll just say it’s another boil. (slight snicker)

HUGHES: Works for me.

CARD: How will this affect our position on the Stem Cell Debate?

VP: It won’t. No one will know about it, so we can still do what we planned.

HUGHES: Besides, this is an emergency.

POWELL: I’m not sure this is such a good idea. What if this working vacation only makes him worse?

HUGHES: Can he really be any worse?

FLEISCHER: Yeah, you’re not the one who has to make a statement to the press every five minutes, correcting some bone-headed statement he’s made.

CARD: And you don’t have to keep him constantly supplied with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

HUGHES: I swear, if I hear another "dang," I’ll rip his head off!

RICE: You try explaining to him that NATO isn’t the same thing as nachos.

POWELL: (sighs) I still feel funny about the whole thing.

MATALIN: Your lucky we’re not giving you a working vacation after that display you made in Vietnam with that stupid skit.

POWELL: I resent that! I’ll have you know I’m a great singer!

MATALIN: (laughs heartily) Give me a break! A moose in heat sounds better.

POWELL: At least I’m not married to a Democrat!

VP: Okay, Okay! Let’s stop this petty bickering. We’ll take another vote on the President’s working vacation. Karen — for or against?

HUGHES: FOR! Before I kill him.

VP: Condie?

RICE: For.

VP: Andy?

CARD: For.

VP: Ari?

FLEISCHER: For.

VP: Mary?

MATALIN: By all means, For! We should’ve done it sooner.

VP: Sorry Colin, you’re outvoted. (sound of door opening)

DUBYA [PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE W. BUSH]: Hey y’all, Wuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzuuuuppppp!

VP: Get him out of here!

DUBYA: Hey, get your dang hands off me! What’s goin on here! DANG!

VP: KAREN, NO!

--- UNRECOVERABLE DELETED PORTION OF TAPE (TOTAL LENGTH: 18.5 MINUTES) ---

VP: Okay! (heavy breathing) Now that we’ve straightened that out, are there any other questions before we wrap this up?

CARD: Who’s going to be in charge while the President’s on his working vacation?

MATALIN: Who’s always in charge?

CARD: Oh, right.

VP: Anything else? (silence)

VP: Meeting adjourned!

--- END OF TAPE ---

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