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From
the Desk of George W. Bush
August 21, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo
Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level
"mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall
refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information
to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk
of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information
to you on a regular basis.
While searching for actual physical evidence proving conclusively
that George W. Bush did indeed graduate from "the" Yale University
in New Haven, Connecticut, and not, as suspected, Ye Ale University
in Cerveza, Texas, "Brass Mustache" recently discovered a
file containing highly classified documents. Initially, he
dismissed these documents as too outrageous to be legitimate
internal White House documents. He believed they had to be
a joke or some elaborate hoax to throw him off track. However,
after a thorough investigation, we have determined that, however
disturbing these documents may be, they are legitimate. We
call them - The Dixie Cup Papers.
Project Dixie Cup (page 1)
Brief
Overview:
Project
Dixie Cup is a five-year plan to completely privatize the
public school system by means of corporate sponsorship.
Background:
A July 22,
1999 article, "Flunking Out" by Stuart Eskenazi, published
in the Dallas Observer, discussed Texas's charter school system.
Mentioned in the article was a school with a science class
in which students were required to make their own triple-beam
balances out of "drinking straws, a small plastic cup, and
a wooden base"-hence the codename "Project Dixie Cup." Although
this article's main thrust was to criticize Texas's miss managed
charter schools for not providing students with the appropriate
and necessary materials, we've found a spark of inspiration
in it.
Benefits:
We believe
that by allowing corporations to take over the management
of public schools we can make them into profitable enterprises.
Federal funds could then be redirected to more worthwhile
endeavors such as tax reduction and reimbursement, military
defense, oil and natural gas exploration on federal reserves,
and buying Mexico and, maybe, Canada.
Implementation:
Of course,
this plan must be implemented gradually so as not to alarm
the left-wing element. A proposed schedule for implementation
is as follows:
Year
1: Allow corporations to advertise in schools by supplying
equipment. (Ex. Dixie Cup triple beam balances, 3M desks,
Denny's blackboards)
Year 2: Allow corporate sponsorship of school sports
teams. (Ex. the Levi's, the Nike's)
Year 3: Allow corporate advertisements on school buildings
and buses.
Year 4: Require all students to wear uniforms emblazoned
with corporate logos.
Year 5: Allow corporations complete control over school
management including determining student curriculum.
We have
approached a number of corporations and the response has been
overwhelmingly positive. Several corporations have already
submitted proposals. We've included these proposals along
with an evaluation of their feasibility.
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Project Dixie Cup (page 2)
Exxon
Proposal
Equipment
sponsorship:
Exxon
cafeteria trays, Exxon water fountains
Sports
sponsorship:
The
Exxon Oil Spills (mascot - Oily the Bird)
Curriculum:
English:
Petroleum Verse and Literature
Petroleum's influence on 19th century American Literature
Mathematics:
Oil Spill Statistics
Natural Gas Exploration Trigonometry
Science:
Petroleum Geology
The Chemistry of Petroleum
History:
Petroleum and the Industrial Revolution
How Petroleum Won World War II
Performing
Arts:
The Natural Gas Marching Band
The Gas Station Players
Physical
Fitness:
Oil Spill Cleanup Aerobics
Refinery Weight Training
Evaluation:
Excellent Proposal! Meets every aspect of our criteria. The
children who attend Exxon schools will be lucky indeed.
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Project Dixie Cup (page 3)
Phillip
Morris Proposal
Equipment
Sponsorship:
Phillip Morris Air Conditions, Phillip Morris Salad Bar
Sports
Sponsorship:
The Wheezers (mascot - Blacky the Lung)
Curriculum:
English:
Tobacco's role in 16th century English Literature
Nicotine Haiku
Mathematics:
Cancer Calculus
Emphysema Algebra
Science:
Tobacco Horticulture
The Physics of Cigarette Rolling
History:
Tobacco's Role in American Politics
Tobacco through the Ages
Performing
Arts:
The Coughing Cadet Concert Band
The Chewin' Tobacco Troop
Physical
Fitness:
Cross Country Tobacco Spitting
The Chain Smoking Relay
Evaluation:
Another excellent proposal - Enough said!
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Project Dixie Cup (page 4)
Trojan
Proposal
Equipment
Sponsorship:
Trojan chalkboard erasers, Trojan student desks
Sports
Sponsorship:
The Trojan Titans (mascot - Condom Man)
Curriculum:
English:
The Prophylactic and 20th century Romantic Literature
Prophylactic Prose
Mathematics:
Condom Calculus
Prophylactic Breakage Probability
Science:
The Chemical Composition of Latex
The Condom's Effect on Human Reproduction
History:
The Rise of the Prophylactic
The Prophylactic and the Sexual Revolution
Performing
Arts:
The Glow in the Dark Marching Trojans
The Ribbed for Her Pleasure Players
Physical
Fitness:
Condom Tug of War
Condom Beach Volleyball
Evaluation:
Although this is an excellent proposal, we feel that Trojan
schools will not be well received by the conservative religious
right. Accepting this proposal might well be political suicide
for the 2004 presidential election, therefore we recommend
rejecting this proposal.
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Project Dixie Cup (page 5)
Billy
Graham Evangelistic Association Proposal
Equipment
Sponsorship:
Billy Graham toilet paper, Billy Graham filing cabinets
Sports
Sponsorship:
The Jesus Freaks (mascot - Jesus)
Curriculum:
English:
The Old Testament
The New Testament
Mathematics:
The Holy Trilogy Trigonometry
Evangelical Logic
Science:
Creationism - The Birth of Humanity
Faith Healing Technologies
History:
The Rise of Christianity
Religious Freedom and the American Revolution
Performing
Arts:
Holy Rollers Jazz Band
The Ten Commandments Comedy Troop
Evaluation:
Although there might be some criticism about overstepping
the separation between church and state, we feel this is an
excellent proposal. The politics benefits far outweigh any
negative political ramifications.
END
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