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From
the Desk of George W. Bush
August 7, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo
Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level
"mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall
refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information
to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk
of George W. Bush himself. We plan to bring this information
to you on a regular basis.
"Brass Mustache" recently acquired a highly sensitive, secret
recording of a clandestine meeting of several top White House
officials in the Oval Office. The following is a detailed
transcript of that meeting:
--- START OF TAPE ---
VP [VICE
PRESIDENT RICHARD CHENEY]: (clears throat) Good morning, everyone.
As you know, we are here this morning to finalize arrangements
for the President’s vacation.
FLEISCHER
[WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY ARI FLEISCHER]: Are we still
calling it a working vacation?
VP: Yes,
it’s best to stick as close to the truth as possible.
CARD [WHITE
HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF ANDREW CARD]: But he won’t be working.
HUGHES [KAREN
HUGHES, COUNSELOR TO THE PRESIDENT]: No, he’s going to be
worked on.
RICE [NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR CONDOLEEZA RICE]: Can you explain how this
works again? I’m not sure I understand how these treatments
work.
VP: They
take embryonic stem cells, remove the genetic material, and
then insert the genetic material of healthy, human brain cells.
Then the cells are implanted into his brain. It is my understanding
that they’ll then multiply and replace his, shall we say (clears
throat), slightly abnormal, brain cells.
CARD: How
many treatments do they think will be necessary?
VP: Thirty,
one for every day of his vacation.
HUGHES:
Will that be enough?
VP: I don’t
know, but we can’t make the vacation any longer or else the
press will get suspicious. We’ll just have to hope.
RICE: But
won’t they be suspicious anyway?
FLEISCHER:
That’s why we’ve coincided the vacation with the President’s
annual check-up.
POWELL [SECRETARY
OF STATE COLIN POWELL]: But what will we say about the bandage
on his head?
MATALIN
[MARY MATALIN, AIDE TO THE VICE PRESIDENT]: We’ll just say
it’s another boil. (slight snicker)
HUGHES:
Works for me.
CARD: How
will this affect our position on the Stem Cell Debate?
VP: It won’t.
No one will know about it, so we can still do what we planned.
HUGHES:
Besides, this is an emergency.
POWELL:
I’m not sure this is such a good idea. What if this working
vacation only makes him worse?
HUGHES:
Can he really be any worse?
FLEISCHER:
Yeah, you’re not the one who has to make a statement to the
press every five minutes, correcting some bone-headed statement
he’s made.
CARD: And
you don’t have to keep him constantly supplied with peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches.
HUGHES:
I swear, if I hear another "dang," I’ll rip his
head off!
RICE: You
try explaining to him that NATO isn’t the same thing as nachos.
POWELL:
(sighs) I still feel funny about the whole thing.
MATALIN:
Your lucky we’re not giving you a working vacation after that
display you made in Vietnam with that stupid skit.
POWELL:
I resent that! I’ll have you know I’m a great singer!
MATALIN:
(laughs heartily) Give me a break! A moose in heat sounds
better.
POWELL:
At least I’m not married to a Democrat!
VP: Okay,
Okay! Let’s stop this petty bickering. We’ll take another
vote on the President’s working vacation. Karen — for or against?
HUGHES:
FOR! Before I kill him.
VP: Condie?
RICE: For.
VP: Andy?
CARD: For.
VP: Ari?
FLEISCHER:
For.
VP: Mary?
MATALIN:
By all means, For! We should’ve done it sooner.
VP: Sorry
Colin, you’re outvoted. (sound of door opening)
DUBYA [PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GEORGE W. BUSH]: Hey y’all,
Wuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzuuuuppppp!
VP: Get
him out of here!
DUBYA: Hey,
get your dang hands off me! What’s goin on here! DANG!
VP: KAREN,
NO!
--- UNRECOVERABLE
DELETED PORTION OF TAPE (LENGTH: 18.5 MINUTES) ---
VP: Okay!
(heavy breathing) Now that we’ve straightened that out, are
there any other questions before we wrap this up?
CARD: Who’s
going to be in charge while the President’s on his working
vacation?
MATALIN:
Who’s always in charge?
CARD: Oh,
right.
VP: Anything
else? (silence)
VP: Meeting
adjourned!
--- END
OF TAPE ---
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other leaked material
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