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From
the Desk of George W. Bush
July 24, 2001
as told to Rebecca Salcedo
Democratic Underground has been contacted by a high-level
"mole" in the White House. The mole, who we shall
refer to only as "Brass Mustache," is leaking information
to DU operative Rebecca Salcedo... straight from the desk
of George W. Bush himself.
We plan to bring this information to you on a regular
basis.
From:
George W. Bush <president@whitehouse.gov>
Sent: Monday, July 23, 2001 4:56 PM
To: Richard B. Cheney
Subject: RE: G8 Instructions - Please Read
Dang, Dickie!
It took
me two dang weeks to read this dang thing. Do you have to
use such dang big words? I had to use that dang big book of
words! The dang G-8 was over by the time I figgered it out.
I was wonderin why I got funny looks when I asked where the
dang red juice was. Them folks must think I’m real dumb. How
bad is it if I did all of them dang don'ts?
You suck,
DUBYA
-----Original Message-----
From: Richard B. Cheney <vicepresident@whitehouse.gov>
Sent: Friday, July 13, 2001 1:34 PM
To: George W. Bush
Subject: G8 Instructions - Please Read
Mr. President:
As you know,
you will be traveling to Italy next week to attend the G-8
summit. G-8 stands for Group of Eight and leaders from France,
Britain, Japan, Canada, Russia, Italy, Germany, and the United
States (that is you) will be attending. It is not to be confused
with V-8, which is a popular vegetable juice drink.
Since I
must remain in-residence to formulate your position on the
Stem Cell Debate, I cannot accompany you to insure you avoid
uttering superfluous, ignorant, or inflammatory remarks. Our
position with these countries is extremely tenuous and we
must capitalize on this opportunity to stabilize our relationship
with these foreign powers. It is for this reason, that I have
compiled this brief compendium.
While attending
the G-8 Summit it is imperative that you abide by the following
Do's and Don'ts:
Do
address each leader with the prefixes "Mister" or
"Madam" followed by their title or last name"
a) Hello,
Mister Prime Minister
b) Greetings, Mister Putin
Don't
address anyone in the following manner:
a) Hey there,
Frenchie!
b) What's up, Commie?
c) How's it hangin, Ruskie?
Do
make frequent use of the following words and phrases:
a) please
b) thank
you
c) you are welcome
d) compromise
e) agree or agreement
f) find a common ground
g) respect our differences
h) come to a common understanding
Don't
use any of the following words or phrases:
a) Dang
(in any form)
b) you suck
c) bite me
d) loser
e) if it wasn't for us you'd all be spreckin friggin German
f) lucky shotgun
g) Bang, Bang
g) your momma
Do
answer questions about the environment in the following manner:
"We
feel it is extremely important to find an appropriate balance
between protecting the environment and preserving our natural
resources for future generations and establishing unreasonable
standards that could potentially cripple our respective countries'
economies."
Don't
answer questions about the environment in the following
manner:
a) Who gives
a dang about some dang stinky flea bags who don’t pay taxes
b) Bite me, you dang enviro-nuts
c) Let me get my lucky shot gun! Bang, Bang, Bang!
d) Arsenic adds flavoring
e) Who doesn’t like smog?
Do
answer questions about Missile Defense in the following manner:
"We
feel it is crucial to protect ourselves against unregulated
nuclear proliferation amongst unfriendly and antagonist nations
that refuse to share our philosophy concerning the necessity
for peace and the preservation of life."
Don't
answer questions about Missile Defense in the following
manner:
a) Let's
smoke them A-rabs!
b) Bite me, you commie!
c) I’m gonna rule the world! (followed by evil laughter)
d) I got me a big gun, wanna see?
Good Luck,
Richard
B. Cheney
Vice President of the United States of America
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