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Congress Disbands, Cites Irrelevancy

January 10, 2006
Satire by Bernard Weiner, The Crisis Papers

WASHINGTON (Associated Press) - President George W. Bush today applauded the decision by the House of Representatives and the Senate to disband.

"Everything changed on 9/11," said the President. "The American people join me in thanking Congress for finally having the wisdom and patriotism to recognize this changed situation in the country and the world. Although these legislators have served our nation well over the years, now all that bickering, partisan sniping, and obstructionism blocking my programs are gone.

"In a word, I know what needs to be done. And now we can reach those goals with aggressive speed and determination, knowing that all our citizens are united under one leader. Those seeking to throw the American government into chaos and anarchy with their talk of impeachment and cutting-and-running from our battles abroad have been silenced."

A joint statement from Republican and Democratic leaders in both branches of Congress was issued late last night: "It appears that the Executive Branch has made the Legislative branch redundant, by outsourcing our law-making functions to itself. They are deciding which laws to obey, and have the Justice Department and the courts under their control. So, rather than waste taxpayers' money spinning our wheels, we're simply going out of business."

Most members said they have been offered lucrative contracts by lobbying organizations, to use their access to contacts in the White House and the military services. Others said they would be going to work for the expanded Pentagon and Homeland Security Department, which today announced that they would be taking over the functions of the Department of State and all the intelligence agencies.

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said one of his first priorities will be to reorganize Amtrak and "make sure that the trains run on time."

The Departments of Labor and Housing & Urban Development will be disbanded, said new White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter, as will the various regulatory bodies such as the Environmental Protection Agency, Federal Communications Commission, Securities & Exchange Commission, OSHA, and the Civil Rights Division of the Justice Department.

The new Secretary of Education, Rev. Pat Robertson, announced that a national history and civics curriculum would be written by Under Secretaries Bill Bennett and Lynn Cheney, and the Biology Curriculum by Rev. Jerry Falwell and Lou Dobson.

ALWAYS "WITHIN THE LAW"

As for the Judicial Branch, Coulter said: "Now that the Congress is no longer an impediment in getting patriotic judges onto the Supreme Court, we would anticipate that the Judiciary will remain in business to validate the decisions taken by President Bush. Citizens should feel comforted that therefore our Administration will always be seen as working 'within the law.' But should the Judiciary attempt to interfere with the orderly workings of this administration, we will re-evaluate its role and function."

Not all members of the House and Senate went quietly into new establishment jobs or retirement. Several Senators and Representatives, mainly Democrats and a few moderate Republicans, said they would move to the Western Coastal states (California, Oregon and Washington), or to the Northeast region (Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Vermont), where they will work for referenda on the possibility of joint secession.

Reportedly, the Bush Administration, which has nullified the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, thus permitting President Bush to continue to serve in perpetuity, has said it has no problem with the attempts of the "traitorous regions" to sever themselves from the "patriotic mainstream" of America. "They are doing this to gain attention for their demands for more inclusion in policy-making. But surely they realize that if they do leave the United States, that would make them foreign countries, and thus potential recipients of our shock and awe policies," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "I don't think they're going anywhere. They'll come around - or will devoutly wish that they had."

SEND THESE KIDS TO CAMP

We attempted for this story to contact various anti-Bush activists and progressive website editors, to get their reactions to the extraordinary political events of the past few days, but all our inquiries were forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security. Robert Novak, press secretary for the Department's newly-created Security Services (S.S.), which was set up to deal with "recalcitrants" and "malcontents," said all those we inquired about were "unavailable for comment."

Other sources, who have chosen to remain anonymous, report that under the leadership of Richard Perle thousands have been moved to "re-education" camps in the Nevada desert, Northern Alaska oil refuge and other undisclosed locations, or were "rendered" to special camps in allied countries. (Note: Novak said the S.S. wants to make clear that these "malcontents" will not be sent to the "relocation centers reserved for homosexuals, winners of National Endowment for the Arts grants, and other deviants.")

The offending websites have been taken over or shut down, said Deputy S.S. spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "because they have been spreading slanderous lies and unsubstantiated charges against our Leader and his policies. Anger and rebellion have no place in our new order; when those troublemakers return from the re-education centers, we expect they will have new, positive attitudes about the value of Bush Administration initiatives."

O'Reilly said that no action would be taken against the editors and publishers of the country's major newspapers, networks and cable TV and radio news outlets. "They established their patriotic credentials long ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when to keep their traps shut," said O'Reilly.

Rush Limbaugh has been appointed director of the National Institutes of Health's pharmacy, and Jeff Gannon is now Protocol Chief in charge of entertainment and overnight stays at the White House.

President Bush announced today that he would fill the seats of three retiring Supreme Court justices - John Paul Stevens, Stephen Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg - with Michael Brown, Alberto Gonzales and Harriet Miers.

"These new appointees are three of our finest public servants, who have demonstrated great loyalty to my person and policies," said President Bush. "They know that everything changed on 9/11 and that me and my Administration are working hard for the American people. They will serve the nation well in making sure that our Administration's actions always will remain 'within the law' - by validating with their unanimous opinions those decisions I take in the service of protecting the American people from threats to our national security. Everything changed on 9/11; the terrorists hate us for our freedoms, you know."

THE PRESIDENT'S MERCY

Finally, President Bush today issued a full amnesty and/or pardon for those felons from his Administration and Congress currently serving time in prison or those under federal indictment or grand jury investigation. Included among those hundreds are the Cabinet, Karl Rove, I. Lewis Libby, Tom DeLay, John Ashcroft, Bill Frist, Duke Cunningham, and such stalwart Administration backers as Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed and Kenneth Lay.

"These are loyal Americans all, who have worked tirelessly for me and thus for the good of our nation, and were hounded by over-zealous prosecutors with hidden agendas," said President Bush. "These pardons and amnesties will ensure that they return to doing their good work in the public and private sectors, and will continue advising me well."

Switching places with the pardoned felons are such "over-zealous prosecuters" as Patrick Fitzgerald, James Comey, Ronnie Earle, and Elliot Spitzer. Among notables known to have been rounded up and sent for re-education, based on their harsh critiques of Bush policy: Lawrence Tribe, Anthony Lewis, Richard Clarke, Paul O'Neill, Lawrence Wilkerson, Paul Krugman, Molly Ivins, Noam Chomsky, Frank Rich and Seymour Hersh. Numerous other notables reportedly have fled to France.

President Bush said he issued the amnesties now to "have our full and best team in place as we prepare for whatever foreign and domestic actions may come in the immediate future." It is believed he is referring to the impending military action against Syria, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Cuba and Bolivia.

More secret prisons are being built to accommodate the expected thousands of detainees from those conflicts. But, said Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, "there will be fewer prisoners than in past wars because we fully intend to exercise our dominance in the nuclear-weaponry field. The advantage in using such WMDs is that it reduces the number of prisoners to care for and also keeps other foreign countries from even thinking about criticizing our policies. In short, it's a win-win for America and for the expansion of freedom around the globe."

Bernard Weiner, Ph.D. in government & international relations, has taught at various universities, worked as a writer/editor with the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The Crisis Papers. Send comments to crisispapers@comcast.net.

Crisis Papers Archive

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