Congress Disbands, Cites Irrelevancy
January 10, 2006
Satire by Bernard Weiner, The
(Associated Press) - President George W. Bush today applauded the
decision by the House of Representatives and the Senate to disband.
"Everything changed on 9/11," said the President. "The American
people join me in thanking Congress for finally having the wisdom
and patriotism to recognize this changed situation in the country
and the world. Although these legislators have served our nation
well over the years, now all that bickering, partisan sniping, and
obstructionism blocking my programs are gone.
"In a word, I know what needs to be done. And now we can reach
those goals with aggressive speed and determination, knowing that
all our citizens are united under one leader. Those seeking to throw
the American government into chaos and anarchy with their talk of
impeachment and cutting-and-running from our battles abroad have
A joint statement from Republican and Democratic leaders in both
branches of Congress was issued late last night: "It appears that
the Executive Branch has made the Legislative branch redundant,
by outsourcing our law-making functions to itself. They are deciding
which laws to obey, and have the Justice Department and the courts
under their control. So, rather than waste taxpayers' money spinning
our wheels, we're simply going out of business."
Most members said they have been offered lucrative contracts by
lobbying organizations, to use their access to contacts in the White
House and the military services. Others said they would be going
to work for the expanded Pentagon and Homeland Security Department,
which today announced that they would be taking over the functions
of the Department of State and all the intelligence agencies.
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said one of his first priorities will
be to reorganize Amtrak and "make sure that the trains run on time."
The Departments of Labor and Housing & Urban Development will
be disbanded, said new White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter,
as will the various regulatory bodies such as the Environmental
Protection Agency, Federal Communications Commission, Securities
& Exchange Commission, OSHA, and the Civil Rights Division of the
The new Secretary of Education, Rev. Pat Robertson, announced
that a national history and civics curriculum would be written by
Under Secretaries Bill Bennett and Lynn Cheney, and the Biology
Curriculum by Rev. Jerry Falwell and Lou Dobson.
ALWAYS "WITHIN THE LAW"
As for the Judicial Branch, Coulter said: "Now that the Congress
is no longer an impediment in getting patriotic judges onto the
Supreme Court, we would anticipate that the Judiciary will remain
in business to validate the decisions taken by President Bush. Citizens
should feel comforted that therefore our Administration will always
be seen as working 'within the law.' But should the Judiciary attempt
to interfere with the orderly workings of this administration, we
will re-evaluate its role and function."
Not all members of the House and Senate went quietly into new
establishment jobs or retirement. Several Senators and Representatives,
mainly Democrats and a few moderate Republicans, said they would
move to the Western Coastal states (California, Oregon and Washington),
or to the Northeast region (Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Vermont),
where they will work for referenda on the possibility of joint secession.
Reportedly, the Bush Administration, which has nullified the 22nd
Amendment to the Constitution, thus permitting President Bush to
continue to serve in perpetuity, has said it has no problem with
the attempts of the "traitorous regions" to sever themselves from
the "patriotic mainstream" of America. "They are doing this to gain
attention for their demands for more inclusion in policy-making.
But surely they realize that if they do leave the United States,
that would make them foreign countries, and thus potential recipients
of our shock and awe policies," said Vice President Dick Cheney.
"I don't think they're going anywhere. They'll come around - or
will devoutly wish that they had."
SEND THESE KIDS TO CAMP
We attempted for this story to contact various anti-Bush activists
and progressive website editors, to get their reactions to the extraordinary
political events of the past few days, but all our inquiries were
forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security. Robert Novak,
press secretary for the Department's newly-created Security Services
(S.S.), which was set up to deal with "recalcitrants" and "malcontents,"
said all those we inquired about were "unavailable for comment."
Other sources, who have chosen to remain anonymous, report that
under the leadership of Richard Perle thousands have been moved
to "re-education" camps in the Nevada desert, Northern Alaska oil
refuge and other undisclosed locations, or were "rendered" to special
camps in allied countries. (Note: Novak said the S.S. wants to make
clear that these "malcontents" will not be sent to the "relocation
centers reserved for homosexuals, winners of National Endowment
for the Arts grants, and other deviants.")
The offending websites have been taken over or shut down, said
Deputy S.S. spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "because they have been spreading
slanderous lies and unsubstantiated charges against our Leader and
his policies. Anger and rebellion have no place in our new order;
when those troublemakers return from the re-education centers, we
expect they will have new, positive attitudes about the value of
Bush Administration initiatives."
O'Reilly said that no action would be taken against the editors
and publishers of the country's major newspapers, networks and cable
TV and radio news outlets. "They established their patriotic credentials
long ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when
to keep their traps shut," said O'Reilly.
Rush Limbaugh has been appointed director of the National Institutes
of Health's pharmacy, and Jeff Gannon is now Protocol Chief in charge
of entertainment and overnight stays at the White House.
President Bush announced today that he would fill the seats of
three retiring Supreme Court justices - John Paul Stevens, Stephen
Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg - with Michael Brown, Alberto Gonzales
and Harriet Miers.
"These new appointees are three of our finest public servants,
who have demonstrated great loyalty to my person and policies,"
said President Bush. "They know that everything changed on 9/11
and that me and my Administration are working hard for the American
people. They will serve the nation well in making sure that our
Administration's actions always will remain 'within the law' - by
validating with their unanimous opinions those decisions I take
in the service of protecting the American people from threats to
our national security. Everything changed on 9/11; the terrorists
hate us for our freedoms, you know."
THE PRESIDENT'S MERCY
Finally, President Bush today issued a full amnesty and/or pardon
for those felons from his Administration and Congress currently
serving time in prison or those under federal indictment or grand
jury investigation. Included among those hundreds are the Cabinet,
Karl Rove, I. Lewis Libby, Tom DeLay, John Ashcroft, Bill Frist,
Duke Cunningham, and such stalwart Administration backers as Jack
Abramoff, Ralph Reed and Kenneth Lay.
"These are loyal Americans all, who have worked tirelessly for
me and thus for the good of our nation, and were hounded by over-zealous
prosecutors with hidden agendas," said President Bush. "These pardons
and amnesties will ensure that they return to doing their good work
in the public and private sectors, and will continue advising me
Switching places with the pardoned felons are such "over-zealous
prosecuters" as Patrick Fitzgerald, James Comey, Ronnie Earle, and
Elliot Spitzer. Among notables known to have been rounded up and
sent for re-education, based on their harsh critiques of Bush policy:
Lawrence Tribe, Anthony Lewis, Richard Clarke, Paul O'Neill, Lawrence
Wilkerson, Paul Krugman, Molly Ivins, Noam Chomsky, Frank Rich and
Seymour Hersh. Numerous other notables reportedly have fled to France.
President Bush said he issued the amnesties now to "have our full
and best team in place as we prepare for whatever foreign and domestic
actions may come in the immediate future." It is believed he is
referring to the impending military action against Syria, Iran,
North Korea, Venezuela, Cuba and Bolivia.
More secret prisons are being built to accommodate the expected
thousands of detainees from those conflicts. But, said Defense Secretary
Rumsfeld, "there will be fewer prisoners than in past wars because
we fully intend to exercise our dominance in the nuclear-weaponry
field. The advantage in using such WMDs is that it reduces the number
of prisoners to care for and also keeps other foreign countries
from even thinking about criticizing our policies. In short, it's
a win-win for America and for the expansion of freedom around the
Bernard Weiner, Ph.D. in government & international relations,
has taught at various universities, worked as a writer/editor with
the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The
Crisis Papers. Send comments to email@example.com.
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