to do something to aid your country's battle against
terrorists, and to participate in frat-style pranks
and good, clean aerobic fun at the same time?
consider sending in your bid to become a member of Torture
Abroad. Remember, high bidders have more chance
to be selected.
our handsome black mask and windbreaker - with the eye-catching
Volunteer Torturer Militia seal - you'll be flown free
on one of the CIA's luxury secret airflights (with,
of course, stopover privileges in Poland, Romania, Afghanistan,
Tajikistan, and Morocco). Naturally, you'll be in First
Class, and your assigned torture-buddy, appropriately
enough, will be in Cargo.
will be permitted to indulge in sexual humiliation,
stress positioning, rape, thumb-screws, pyramid-building,
baseball bat-play, use of the rack, whip & chain teasing,
and the employment of rabid dogs - there is a small
surcharge for the privilege of near-drowning (our popular
"waterboarding" option) and for the awesome electrification-of-the-genitals
realize, based on our polling data, that some people
will be repulsed by this suggestion. Granted, the idea
of having to pay this extra fee is offensive, but the
whole idea of this enterprise, let us remember, is to
raise money to help subsidize our country's vital "war
If you torture a detainee to death, which has been known
to happen even with professionals in charge, there will
be a hefty surcharge and you will suffer severe penalties:
you will not receive the video of your handiwork or
the program's parchment certificate signed by Karl Rove
torture implements will be provided but if you have
certain activities that cannot be accommodated by government-issue,
you will be permitted to bring your own props with you.
No chain-saws, please. We do not want to give even the
slightest appearance of savagery.
perchance, as a result of your time spent together,
your detainee chooses to confess to something or other,
you will be granted a 10% refund. If the confession
actually contains anything remotely resembling the truth,
you will be gifted another prisoner at no extra charge.
(Note: this rarely happens.)
be aware that while we carry out due diligence in certifying
our terrorist suspects, in the event that an innocent
man or woman was provided you - which does happen on
occasion as street sweeps can be fairly random - we
assume no financial or criminal liability. We also cannot
provide assurance that governments or family members
of the prisoner won't try to locate you later for purposes
most red-blooded American citizens won't let those minor
caveats stop them from coming to the aid of their country
in this time of war. And you can have jolly good fun
doing so, and feel patriotic pride in your valuable
work for the homeland.
are limited, so act now. For the first hundred who sign
up, we will provide a framed, autographed photo of Jeffrey
TO SUBMIT YOUR BID
you can see, this proposal is a win-win for all concerned.
The war effort gains much needed funding, the capitalist
system is promoted, bad guys are punished, ordinary
citizens are permitted to participate in important government
programs, and the recipients of the carnage no doubt
will be adopted by liberal do-gooder groups and nursed
back to health. If they make it.
you be interested in applying to Torture Abroad,
send your name, address, phone number, and a good-faith
deposit of $5000 cash, to the address below. A special
email address for VIP entry into the program will be
forwarded to you - in other words, you won't have to
log onto the website's home page, which, as you can
imagine, is sure to attract all sorts of low-life thugs.
all inquiries to:
Torture Abroad Program Director
Department of Homeland Security
P.O. Box 666
a photo, a brief bio, a key to your home, and your email
you from all of us on Torture Abroad's Board of Directors:
K. Rove, G. Bush, R. Cheney, D. Rumsfeld, C. Rice, A.
Gonzales, L. Libby, J. Ashcroft, S. Hadley, K. Hughes,
M. Matalin, J. Bolton, J. Woo, J. Bybee, B. O'Reilly,
R. Limbaugh, A. Coulter, J. Inhofe, W. Boykin, G. Miller,
S. Cambone, M. Chertoff, and Founding Fathers J. Mengele,
A. Eichmann, and T. de Torquemada.
Bless the United States of America.