Patrick Fitzgerald's "Dear Diary..."
October 25, 2005
Satire by Bernard Weiner, The
This is like shooting fish in a barrel. Of course, I'd heard about
the incompetence of this White House crew - and the arrogance that
made them so sloppy in covering their tracks - but despite their
lies and amateurish attempts to conceal their involvement, their
fingerprints are all over the place.
Rove as the Genius, the Architect, the Ringmaster, running a tight
ship with no leaks? These dangerous clowns are total screw-ups.
And wimps. Many are willing to finger each other big time to escape
the felony counts, or at least lessen their criminal liability.
It's embarrassing to watch them flopping around, sending out their
lawyers to drop a dime on a fellow conspirator.
Getting some of them to flip on their superiors and colleagues
was fairly easy. I just let them have a whiff of what was in store
for them unless they agreed to cooperate - long prison terms does
concentrate the mind - and, voila, first one and then another and
then another eagerly took the bait. Even Rove and Libby, through
the press, are trying to foist the blame on the other. It's the
night of the long knives at the White House.
I've readied myself for the slime attack, but the fact that I'm
a loyal Republican, appointed by the Bush Administration itself,
offers some protection. The initial talking-points are really silly
- that I'm engaged in "criminalizing politics," or that I'm a "former
doorman" and "son of a doorman," as if that class-biased epithet
is some sort of terrible slur, or that I've "run amok" and am going
after this crew for minor violations of law, "technicalities" like
perjury and obstruction of justice.
If that's the best they can come up with, they are truly pathetic.
(But not surprising; check out Karen Hughes demonstrating her gross
ignorance of foreign affairs while touring Indonesia last week,
claiming Saddam gassed "hundreds of thousands" of Iraqis! This gang
can't shoot straight, think straight, maybe even pee straight.)
WOULD BUSH REALLY TRY TO FIRE ME?
A digression, diary, for some practical thoughts here: will Bush
order Gonzales to quash the sealed indictments and fire me before
I can take this White House crew to trial? I know Bush is dumb,
but I don't think he's stupid. Look what happened to Nixon when
he fired the Watergate special prosecutor, Archibald Cox. Or maybe
Bush or his successor will consider pre-emptively exercising the
presidential pardon-power, as his father did in the Iran-Contra
scandal years ago, even before any charges were filed; BushSr. got
away with it in the last months of his presidency, maybe Jr. will
wonder whether he should try it with three years to go. He might
figure: "What have I got to lose? I can only be impeached once,
and this way there won't be any trials I'll be subpoenaed to testify
at, thus taking me out of perjury-jeopardy. "
On the other hand, Bush and the GOP leaders know that if he attempts
to fire me or hand out blanket pardons in this case, the American
people wouldn't put up with that kind of obvious save-your-ass,
dictatorial behavior, and that would be the end of Republican political
dominance for a decade or more. Republicans supporting Bush would
lose any hope for re-election in 2006.
No, I think the GOP legislators and behind-the-scenes movers and
shakers (symbolized by Brent Scowcroft's frontal attack on the Bush
Administration this week) will agree to throw the big guys and neo-cons
overboard, and hope they can recoup their investment with more intelligent,
Maybe Bush is hoping that by dumping Rove and Libby - and even
Cheney if it comes to that (resigning for "health reasons," of course
) - he'll be able to stanch the bleeding just below him: a kind
of political tourniquet. Throwing Haldeman and Ehrlichman over the
side didn't work for Nixon, but it did buy him a bit of time until
the inevitable reckoning. Probably wouldn't work for Bush either
- without Rove, he's flailing - but what other options does he have
for ultimate distraction other than bombing or invading another
country? Rice has offerred the scenario and the likely country:
TEXAS-STYLE POLITICS IN D.C.
Even with all those political pressures and dangers aimed my way,
I love this job. I love watching leaders in positions of power squirm
and sweat when they realize we've got the goods on them and they'd
better come clean if they want to save their necks. Politicians
and corporate honchos are my favorites, since they rarely deal with
anyone other than yes-men and fawning supporters; political crooks
aren't all that proficient in destroying evidence and are amateurs
at plea-bargaining. Mob types, with built-in legal armor and experience
in confronting law-enforcement, are much harder to deal with, but
these politicos are a snap.
I'm glad I'm a Chicago kind of guy. We've seen big-league corruption
for decades and know what it smells like and how to deal with it.
These Texas types, thinking they could simply bring their bullying
and corruption and lies into the nation's capital, got away with
their in-your-face act for a long time, but eventually ran into
the brick wall of reality and D.C. hardball. I'm proud to be part
of that wall.
Not that I like taking down leaders of my own party, but what
they were doing to Republican traditions sickened my stomach. At
times, looking at the evidence of how the Bush Administration operated,
I felt like I was in Stalinist Russia or something, with the leadership
running roughshod over the laws, the Constitution, approving state-sanctioned
torture, and sending off to war hundreds of thousands of young soldiers
on the basis of gross lies and deceptions.
Did they really not realize that the cover-up is always worse
than the original crime, and is usually what gets political leaders
into legal jeopardy? Did they really think that the case would stop
with Ms. Plame's outing? It's always the same in these dirty scandals:
pull one thread and then another, and pretty soon the tapestry is
gone and you've located the hole leading to the political sewer.
Here it was the White House Iraq Group's relatiation against Ambassador
Joseph Wilson to keep the truth from getting out about the WMD whoppers
being used to con the Congress and American people into supporting
a war against Iraq. They'd been planning that war for years, and
they would let nothing upset their using Iraq as a staging ground
for altering the Middle East's geopolitical realities and keeping
control of the world's dwindling energy supplies.
BUSH & CO.'S TRAGIC FLAWS
The Bush inner circle probably would have gotten away with everything,
but just smearing those who were criticizing them wasn't enough;
they couldn't resist the temptation of illegally attacking those
political enemies. Insecurity and arrogance are the tragic flaws
in this White House. They really believed that their behavior would
not be challenged or catch up with them, especially because the
so-called "liberal media" (ha!) never really took them on, rather
it ignored or downplayed all their various deceptions, lies, manipulations,
bunglings, and policy mistakes.
But this White House cabal had to be stopped, and I guess, since
the Democratic Party and the media weren't going to do it, or were
too scared to do it, willy nilly I found myself in the position
of being the vehicle for their removal. I didn't ask for the job,
and the magnitude of what I found myself dealing with was daunting
- this crew had no shortage of scandals to examine - but I am glad
to serve that function, as I truly love this country and hate to
see it ruined by bumbling ideologues and take-the-money-and-power-and-run
Now, who will investigate and get indictments for those responsible
for the running-sore that is our county's badly-corrupted election
process, the ongoing voter-fraud and vote-tabulation scandals? Don't
look at me - I'm a bit busy at the moment. Call Elliot Spitzer.
Bernard Weiner, Ph.D. in government & international relations,
has taught at various universities, worked as a writer/editor with
the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The
Crisis Papers. For comments, write email@example.com.
Crisis Papers Archive