Equal Time with Bob Boudelang
"Our Great President and Me Will Bounce
Back, Wait and See, and the Fires Will Not Be My Fault!!"
December 17, 2005
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot
I have not done my should be award-winning conlumn since Veterans
Day, when everyone, even LIEberals and moderates should of got down
on their stinking knees to thank me for being a veteran. I helped
Ronald Reagan keep the jackbooted tyrants of Granada from destroying
this great country of his, and even got wounded in the bottom from
friendly fire there. (And I was not running away so stop saying
that.) But am I bitter? You bet.
For one thing, Mrs. Brown Rosenfeld has unfairly locked me out
of my trailer at the Daisyview Trailer Park. So much for liberal
tolerance and diversity. When I promised I would pay the rent on
time, I was being "unruly and distinctive" as Judge Eyetaliano said
when he told that harmless
fib about removing himself from cases where he promised he would.
So I am at liberty in the world, but do not worry. My good friend
Shifty Lenny has hooked me up with a guy named Habeeb who lets me
stay in his shed, and together we are selling Christmas lights on
the street. (By "together" I mean he lets me out on the street corner
in the morning, and picks me up at night while I do the selling,
due to my personality.)
The Christmas lights look like little Nativity scenes except there
is a yak and Mary has some kind of helmet with horns on her head,
which you have to look close to even see. That is because they are
made in Kurzigystan or some place like that, which is why they are
so cheap. Two for five dollars.
They are especially patriotic because they celebrate the great
American holiday of Christmas, and also sometimes the Fourth of
July when they are plugged in. Habeeb pointed out that it says clearly
on the box "Do not use indoors or within five meters of flammable
material" in Kurgyzistan writing, so there was no sense in mentioning
it, but I do from time to time anyway.
So in honor of Bill O. Riley, I am shouting "Get your patriotic
Christmas lights" and "Christmas is not a Happy Holiday!"And I hope
if you see me on the street you will buy some lights to support
a wounded war veteran who was shot in the ass by friendly fire saving
you from the tyrants of Jack Booted Granada, and not because I was
running away so stop saying that.
Also if you had a candy bar or some chicklets you oculd give me
it would be good.
Meanwhile, here is my Christmas wish list.
I wish for Our Great President that people stop hating him and
blaming him for the things he has done. He is Sonny Mobility, as
Chris Matthews said, and not an incompetent, corrupt drunk. He and
I will be back better than ever, wait and see.
I wish for Our Great Vice President Dick Cheney that his heart
works this year.
I wish for Our Great Secrtary of Defensive Donald Rumfilled, who
has not been fired yet, that people stop looking to him and asking
"Why donít our soldiers have armor?" or "Why is the war such a failure?"
or "Why did you say there was 150,000 trained Iraqis when it turned
out there was only 750 of them?"
I wish for Karen Huge, the most powerful woman in the world, that
there were less people in the Middle of the East who make a fuss
when she tells them how much Americans hate them.
I wish for Our Great Secretary of State Concertina Rice that she
continue to pretend that people pay attention to her. She is a credit
to Negroes who know their place, and I mean it.
I wish for Judge Eyetaliano that he get on the Supreme Court soon
so we can all have machine guns.
I wish for John Bolton that the awful foreigners he has to deal
with at the U of N all use soap and speak English as God meant us
I wish for Senator Doctor Bill Frisp who only stole a measly billion
dollars from Medicare that people stop asking him about his crooked
I wish for Republican mean guy Tom Delay that people do not mention
that he has anything to do with the guy
who got murdered in Florida.
I wish for Republican Congress leader Dennis Haspert that he continue
to do what he has been doing, whatever that is.
I wish for that great American patriot Dupe Cunningham that he
not get too sex-abused in prison. It is probably unavoidable that
he get sez-abused once in awhile, but let us hope that some kind
convict makes him his bitch and treats him well. It would be awful
if he was treated like a boy-toy by mean rough convicts. Which happens
sometimes. There is no sense kidding ourselves.
I wish for James Dopson that he continue speaking out against
tolerance and fair play, like with Spongebob. He is full of good
advice, like showing
your penis to boys to keep them from being gay, and I hope more
Americans pay attention to him.
I wish the roof of the shed didnít leak.
And finally for my faceful readers, I wish you hope and happiness
in the New Year. And no happy holidays! I mean it!
Bob Boudelang is a Republican team leader and enteraprener and business
man. If you wanted to buy some really swell Christmas lights, and
the ones that do not catch fire only smell a little funny, you can
do so at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Read Bob's Other Rebuttals