Equal Time with Bob Boudelang
"I Tried To Be Republican Candidate
for the Senate in Illinois and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!"
August 7, 2004
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot
are the trials that fry men's soles" as it says in the Constitution,
and mine are particularly sore. Since I last talked to you by writing
my column here in the liberry where they cannot keep me out, I have
been to Philadelphia to speak power to truth, as they say, at the
Democrap convention. It took me almost a week to hitchhike there
from here, but it would have been worth it to set the record straight
at the Democrap convention in Philadelphia. I have a blister too,
and really should of got picked up by people driving by, due to
my hammer toes.
"But Bob," I would hear you say if you were saying it. "The Democrap
convention was in Boston."
Well, all I can say is phooey! Where were you when I was planning
my trip? Where were you when I was partway there and the rain melted
I had got a piece of cardboard and had wrote on it "Please give
a wounded war veteran who protected America from the tyrants of
Grenada a ride to the DemoncRAT Convention in Philadelphia so I
can support Our Great President who is not a dishonest idiot so
stop saying that." When I had finished, it seemed like the letters
were kind of small. So I fixed that by writing under that "Please
slow down and read this as this is important to every patriotic
American like myself or probably you."
Well, people still kept speeding by, and then it started to rain,
and before long my sign was nothing but a soggy blob. Finely a guy
with a truck full of pipes and stuff picked me up, but I had to
ride in back because of the smell and the pipes kept rolling on
my feet whenever he slowed down or sped up.
When I got to Philadelphia at first I was glad. When I said to
people on the street, "Do not believe the lies about Our Great President
that they are saying at the Run-DNC!" it seemed as if they did not
know what I was talking about, which made me think that the lies
were not really being listened to. But on the second day a cop explained
to me that the Convention was in Boston and not Philadelphia, so
the joke was on them. And I was not sleeping in that doorway but
At first I thought I would go down to Boston and confront the enemies
of America themselves, but then I decided that was too good for
them. Instead, I noticed from the Internet that the Republicans
were having auditions
in Illinois for Senate candidate. It was like American Idle only
with less minorities and women.
Well, now what could be more like democracy in action than a bunch
of rich people meeting behind closed doors in a club for rich people
to pick a candidate for everyone? I ask you.
And yes, there were a lot of fine people vying for the job, but
I am sure I can vy as well as anyone. And it would probably pay
more than the fish market. Plus in the Senate I am sure there is
not a lot of heavy lifting and you can go out in the alley to think
without a whole bunch of cats trying to rip the fishguts away before
I can get them in the dumpster. I would get to hobnob with movers
and shakiers like Senator Doctor Bill Frisp (and I would not mention
the billions he stole from Medicare like some people would).
One of the vyers was Jim Oberweis, who had been running commercials
attacking hispanish immigrants. However, he showed up with a guy
carrying a sign saying "Mexican Americans for Oberweis" which I
am sure would of fooled them.
Another vyer was this guy, who lives in his car:
It was hard not to be jealous, since my trailer has one wheel off
and was no help getting me to Chicago.
I was inspired by both of these fine candidates, and I thought
the way to get the job was to show that I could fool Gayo-Americans
the way Jim Oberweis could fool Hispanish voters, and look distinguished,
like the guy in the wig. That way the Gayo-Americans and Lesbos
would not notice when we passed the amendment to make them illegal.
So I got a wig (and no I did not steal the wig. Probably whoever
broke the window of the wig store with that brick ran away and panicked
and dropped the wig, so it was found and not stolen. The same person
probably robbed the cash register too, as far as you know.). It
was the Rupture
model, probly named for the happy day we all look forward to,
when the good people like me and George W. go up to heaven and all
the rest of you are set on fire and die.
I went to a print shop to have a sign made this time, as I did
not want to have a repeat of the "Please give a wounded war veteran
who protected America from the tyrants of Grenada a ride to the
DemoncRAT Convention in Philadelphia so I can support Our Great
President who is not a dishonest idiot so stop saying that Please
slow down and read this as this is important to every patriotic
American like myself or probably you" fiesta that I had had on the
way to Philadelphia, which I should have been to Boston.
However, "Gayo-Americans For Bob Boudelang" was too long for the
sign I could afford. I finally settled for "I heart (not the word
heart but a picture of a heart. Not a real heart with blood and
stuff, but like in a valentine.) Pansies," which would be like "I
(not the word heart but a picture of a heart) New York" except that
I do not heart New York, which is full of LIEberals and has sHrillary
Klintoon for Senator. I do not heart GayoAmericans either, but there
is no reason to tell them that.
I got a ride partway there from a guy who had chickens in little
wire cages and got kind of covered with feathers. But then in Ohio,
I was standing by the side of the road waving at passing cars with
my wig on and my "I heart Pansies" sign and there was trouble. A
bunch of teenagers who probly had hate-filled liberal or moderate
parents drove up and knocked me down and ripped up my sign and tore
my shirt and threw my wig down the storm sewer. I do not have to
tell you it was the first time in my life I was ever glad to see
a policeman, as I would of hated to have to get rough with them.
Officer Wilson gave me a t-shirt for James Addiction (whoever he
is) he had in the trunk of the squad car and advised me to keep
moving, as he clearly wanted to see a Republican like me in the
Senate from Illinois. But like Shakespeare said, "The spirit is
wild and wooly but the flesh will weep."
And so I went home, satisfied with another day of spreading the
news about Our Great President and all his accomplishments.
I am glad to report that the Republicans in Illinois found a candidate
as good as me in Alan Keyes, who I am sure will fool the black
people into thinking Republicans care about them. And yes, he is
running in Illinois although he is not from Illinois, but that is
different than Shrillery running in New York when she was not from
New York. The reason why is so obvious I would be insulting you
if I told you.
And the biggest surprise was that when I got home I found that
Secret Service Agent Brown had gone to Boston to the Democrap convention
because the Secret Service was worried about some dangerous nut
who was headed there. I told him when he came home if I had of waited
a day I could have rode with him, and we all had a good laugh, especially
after he said he does not want me in his car ever again. The end.
Bob Boudelang is a Republican Team Leader, and no, I don't know
who James Addiction is or what the t-shirt was wrapped around or
why it smells like that. If there are any Republican committees
still looking for candidates, they can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This time I want a ride, and you have to pay for the wig.
Read Bob's Other Rebuttals