Time with Bob Boudelang
"George W. Is Our Xmas Miracle and The Fire Was Not My Fault!"
December 20, 2002
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot
Ho! Ho! Ho! What a glorious Xmas it would be if it were not for LIEberal socialists and Democraps with their gloomy message of peace!
However, just as it seemed there was no alternative to peace, what with Iraq turning in its report and letting the arms inspectors in, like a Xmas miracle George W. Bush has found a reason to have war anyway. Colon Powell says Sodom Husane has not accounted for all of the weapons of mass distraction that we know he has. And no he did not offer any proof, but it is good enough for me to stay here and cheer while other people fight.
And let us not worry about who sold those weapons to him, or who was president when they were sold to him, or whether they should be put on trial or investigated. It is enough to know that George W. has some evidence that he cannot show to anyone else and not because he is making it up or it might show that Our Great Father of the President and Donald Rumfilled gave Iraq the weapons. Now is the time to think instead about how happy the people of Iraq will be when we drop bombs on them next year to liberate them. Especially if we use atomic bombs, which Our Great President says we might. That is the way to show these ignorant heathens what Christianity is all about!
Unfortunately Sodom Husane does not understand that. That is why he is threatening to reek havoc if we invade! How dare he? Does he not know that is OUR oil? It is horrible of him to threaten to wreck something we were going to take fair and square. What a spoilsport he is!
He did not do that the last time he had a war with America led by a President Bush. That was a glorious triumph for America, as you know, and Kuwait was liberated. And yes, Kuwait was given back to the tyrants who ran it before. And yes, Sodom ended up more firmly in control than before. And yes, many of Husane's enemies were killed after Our Great Father of the President urged them to come out in the open. And yes, the price of oil went up. And yes, Halliburton got swell new contracts. And yes, thousands of American servicemen came home with Gulf War Syndrome but could not get treatment because Our Great Father of the President said it was not a real problem. But gee wiz, no-one is perfect. Do we want to have the risk of not having a war for Xmas over a few quibbles?
But instead there is this endless hysteria about Trent Lott. Poor Trent, who is not a bigoted nut, even had to go on television with black people and say he was for the tyranny of affirmative action. Now Our Great President is not able to overturn the tyranny of affirmative action as he was going to in the court cases without looking like more of a racist than Trent Lott.
But now there is all this stereotypecasting, as if the party of Jesse Helms, David Duke and Strom Thurmond was racists.
And did you see poor David Duke was railroaded into jail? That was after he came home from three years where he was promoting his ideas that are not racist overseas, and not just on the lam from the cops.
However, it appears Trent Lott will no longer lead the Republicans in the Senate, which will serve the Democraps right. Instead they will have to deal with Our Great President's hand-pickled successer, Senator Doctor Bill Frisp, who is also a doctor as well as a Senator. He will be a big help on health care issues and has only stolen a few billion from Medicare, which it would be unfair to mention.
I am sure Senator Doctor Frisp will be able to explain why old people's lives are worth just 63% of what young people's lives are and other medical marvels.
He will also be a big help in Our Great President's crusade to get more lead poisoning for children, instead of the tyranny of junk science demanding less. That will be more fair for our great companies that produce toxic lead and what could be better for everyone except a few winy children?
I was planning to hand out paint chips to the kiddies who came and sat upon Santa's lap to celebrate, but Skip the night manager at the CheapMart stopped me. He is young and does not realize that hitting is no way to motivate valuable part time Kris Kringle consultants. It is Xmas so I forgive him, but he will get his.
I am afraid Skip does not have the CheapMart "could-do" spirit. Instead he is grousing just because he found out from the newspaper that CheapMart takes out insurance policies on its workers so it gets paid if a worker dies but the worker's family gets nothing. But let me ask you this. Who paid for the insurance?
It is the sort of liberal socialist claptrap he was exposed to in college that has filled his head with ideas. He needs to listen to Rush Limbaugh, who should be on the store stereo instead of music. I have been trying to drop hints, like going "Ditto pa rum pa rum pum." But he just stares at me.
Still guess who is on the Board of CheapMart, which I found out from looking at the newspaper? You would never guess in a million years so I will tell you. It is Mr. Liston MacIntyre who owns the bus company where I got laid off from. Which was not at all his fault, as there was no way he could keep hundreds of workers and still give himself a $15 million raise. He is also on the board of CheapMart where he makes millions too.
I was so happy to see his name that I wrote him an Xmas card. The Xmas cards only came in boxes of 24, so I took a condolence card from the rack at the CheapMart when no one was looking and crossed the condolence out with a big black magic marker. I wrote:
Keep earning millions while your employees die and you profit from the insurance. Very smart. You deserve all you will get.
Signed, A friend
So he would not worry, I wrote "This is Not Anthrax" on the letter.
Well you would not believe it, but about three days later Secret Service Agent Brown began to hang around the snack bar. He did not look happy to see me, but then he was undercover. The rumor is that some disgruntled DemoncRAT in that very store had sent some death threat to Mr. Liston MacIntyre. Can you believe the ordasity?
I told him I thought it was Skip, but he just stared and slurped his big drink.
Then yesterday Mrs. Rosenfeld came to sit with Secret Service Agent Brown in the snack bar and he seemed to perk right up. And the very same day, Mr. Padnavatham and his newphew Arjay came in to shop for auto parts, and the Reverend Cloyd was buying his wife a robe. They all pretended they did not know it was me playing Santa, but that helped preserve the mystery for the tiny tykes, who anyway were distracted by the smell.
It was like a Xmas miracle, all my friends in one place getting wet from the sprinklers. But you will be happy to know that no one can prove the fire was my fault and it was not me who threw the lit cigarette into the fake snow behind Santa's throne, so do not believe what that kid says.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Today Iraq! Tomorrow the world!
Bob Boudelang is a Republican Team Leader who can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. As Tidy Tim said in the Bible so long ago, "God help us everyone!"