Equal Time with Bob Boudelang
"Harvey Pits Deserves A Raise and a Promotion Just Like Me, Dammit!"
July 26, 2002
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot

It is sad to report that we now live in a world without justice in this great country of ours today. Sure, the life of Our Great President shows that any disadvantaged rich kid can grow up to be president even if the people don't vote for him (and you cannot prove Jeb had anything to do with that so do not try).

But for too many other deserving Americans the pathways to advancement are closed thanks to the tyranny of liberals and moderates with their ugly schemes of tolerance and justice. I am, speaking of course, of Harvey Pits, our great Security and Exchange Commission Chairman.

Yes, he has many great Americans as friends, including Ken Lay and Arthur Andersen and Ivan Boesky. But look at what happened when he innocently said he should get a raise and a promotion! Left wing extremists made FUN of him!

Worse yet, they unfairly passed a bill in Congress that forces him to crack down instead of being kinder and gentler like he wanted to be.

This is SO unfair. If you were looking for a psychotic murderer, you would want Hannibal Lecture on your side, and so if you are looking for crooks why would you not want Harvey Pits? He is just like Hannibal Lecture, only with other people's money instead of fava beans.

In fact, I think he should not only get his promotion and raise, but should get one of those leather masks with the little screen so the country and Wall Street could see what he is really about.

But now thanks to the ugly meddling of Congress, the next insider trader who secretly sells his stock because his company has lost lots of money due to a crooked deal known only to the board of directors could go to jail instead of being investigated and left alone, like Our Great President was. We run the risk of losing great leadership in the future because of what we do in the present that is not like what was done in the past.

It would be a mistake for Harvey Pits to resign like everyone says he should and deprive the American people of him. But I am sad to report that the bus terminal has been deprived of my leadership and skill. Now bus passengers are less secure and informed. I blame the meddling busybodies who forced the bus company to restate its earnings for last year by $749 million, so our great CEO Liston MacIntyre has had to lay off 10,000 workers in order to have his annual raise. And to think that some people want to ask questions about the loans he got from the company and the stock that he sold.

So now I am looking for another job suitable to my skills and talents and not just hanging around the race track and liquor store all day. That is networking. I cannot run and hide, you know.

I am happy to report that my friend Secret Service Agent Brown was so outraged that he left the bus terminal too, and now is hanging around the Daisyview Trailer Park all day in sympathy. I was hoping he would come and keep an eye on Mrs. Rosenfeld who is a dangerous radical who ought to be thrown in jail for calling Our Great President names like "Chimpy McDipstick" and "Deforestation Gump," and now he is. I told him to be careful of Mrs. Rosenfeld's savage watch dog, but the dog likes him for some reason and sits with him on the porch where it will not even let me near. He is getting into her confidence over lemonade and cookies and will spring a trap soon I am sure.

But it is a national tragedy that now Dick Cheney must run and hide from reporters and Congress instead of threatening them to stop asking questions, just because it turned out he forgot to tell his stockholders that they were liable for $2.2 billion in costs when he bought that company they didn't want him to buy, back when he was the head of Halliburton.

When will the leftist yellow dog media stop focusing on these ancient scandals about harmless insider trading and corporate fraud and go back to attacking Bill Clinton for the way he ruined America by having sex? It is so unfair.

Thanks to meddling and prodding, we are now going to have an investigation into the September 11th attacks instead of sweeping it under the rug and focusing on the War in Iraq like Our Great President wanted. We can only hope that it will be held behind closed doors so that people never find out what happened.

Speaking of hiding behind closed doors, it is terrible how Sodom Husane keeps hiding from weapons inspectors sent by the United Nations which ought to be abolished before it can meddle in affairs that are none of its business. It is high time America acted against an unelected ruler who takes away his people's civil liberties and operates behind a veil of secrecy while threatening the world by having weapons of mass destruction. (And that does not mean George W. so stop saying that.)

Now the inhuman tyrants at the UN want to poke into the world's prisons, including ours, to investigate if there is torture. What business is that of theirs? Why should we care about human rights? Some of us are America, and this sort of thing violates our constitution, although not the "cruel and unusual punishment" part, but the part that says the president can do whatever he wants. And so the brutal dictatorships of Denmark and Canada ride roughshot over inlightend countries like us and Iran and Nigeria.

But forget that and think how happy the people of Iraq will be when we rescue them from their government by dropping bombs on them! They will be almost as happy as the Afghanistaniards, who ARE happy despite what a few disgruntled wedding guests say. Accidents will happen, especially since Donald Rumsfilled says it was no accident.

Speaking of Afghanistan, which I am glad to see no-one is, yes, American troops are guarding Hamid Carzeye the president we made them have, but that does not mean that they do not want him. And I am sure he is not worried, even though we did drop a bomb on him and wound him the day he took office. Those people seem like happy-go-lucky folks who forgive and forget.

But at a time when there is criticism left and right from Democrap Socialists it is heartwarming to think that 900,000 children will go without health insurance so that rich people can have their million-dollar-plus inheritances without paying taxes. I hope they point that out proudly when public school goons from the teachers union issue threats to them like "That looks infected. You should go see a doctor." That is George Bush's America! Poor kids and rich people pulling together toward the dream of no taxes for rich people!

Another news, I think we owe a death of thanks to Judge Barbour, who is cousin to Haley Barbour who was the Republican National Chairman back when the Triad Group and the Chinese money was not investigated by Newt Gingrich's congress so there was no scandal. Judge Barbour was judging a lawsuit last year for WorldCom and he threw it out of court even though it would have revealed everything that has now come out in the papers about the company. And that had nothing to do with all the money that WorldCom gave the Republicans and especially his other cousin, as everyone knows. As a result, there was not a crisis last year, until this year. Wala!

That is the miracle of capitalism, which has made this country great and Our Great President rich. Democrap Socialists hate that, and that is why they are always carping and whining about trivial things like companies only having 37% of the money they promised workers for pensions. They would rather see retirees drawing money from healthy companies and being a drag on society, while voting on the liberal plantation, then see them turned into people who are still working at new jobs despite being old.

That is why they oppose privatization of Social Security. They would rather keep old people locked in a safe guaranteed return run by bureaucrats than give them Wall Street's excitement from professionals.

It is just too bad that some disloyal Americans cannot knuckle under and give Our Great President everything he wants before he goes on another month long vacation again. But I guess patriotism doesn't mean what it used to.

 
Bob Boudelang is a Republican team leader who is looking for an employment opportunity that does not involve heavy lifting. If you know of one, contact him at [email protected] or come down to Warehouse Liquors in the afternoon but not too late.