Time with Bob Boudelang
Alert! Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Orange Alert!"
September 13, 2002
By Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot
Well, now we see the wisdom of giving Homely Director of
Security Tom Ridge (who has not got fired yet) $38 billion
dollars and not asking for him to account for it to Congress.
Our nation is at Orange Alert!
Without our color chart we would have probly just been at
a high stage of alert. But now thanks to the miracle of George
W. we can say we are at Orange Alert! when we run around like
chickens with their heads cut off.
This is a higher alert than ever before in the Golden Book
of our nation's history, and almost as high an alert as the
highest alert, which thanks to Homely Director Ridge will
be a Red Alert and not a lavender or puce one.
I know that everyone with half a mind like me is naturally
concerned and perhaps looking for a good place to hide, not
because George Bush has not done anything to make the country
safer but just out of common sense. Our Great Attorney General
John Ashcroft even stopped singing "The Eagle is Sore" to
warn that terrorists might strike anywhere in America, especially
Indonesia or Malaysia.
"We take every threat seriously. The threats that we have
heard recently remind us of the pattern of threats that we
heard prior to September 11," President George W. Bush said.
And that does not mean he was lying when he said last year
the terrorists struck without warning until all the warning
memos turned up to have been covered up, either.
And the Orange Alert! was not called just because Jeb Bush
screwed up an election in Florida again or because Noelle
got caught again, this time with crack cocaine but not arrested,
or because the Prime Minister of Portugal scolded Our Great
President in Public. It was a real Orange Alert! So stop saying
Besides, Our Great President just laughed
when he heard that the Prime Minister of Portugal had an opinion
on our War with Iraq, like anyone cared. I am sure George
W. will even listen politely to what the leaders of countries
like Portugal and France before ignoring them. He even went
to the United Nations to tell them he wants them to join together
with him or else he will act alone without the U of N, and
he did not sound like an idiot no matter what some people
who was not inspired to hear our Great President celebrate
the day he hit his lucky trifecta (We Republican patriots
still get a big laugh out of that)? Well, I was not for one,
since Mrs. Rosenfeld did not even turn her TV on. She and
Secret Service Agent Brown listened to Sweet Baby James on
the hi fi instead. Not that I could have seen anyway, since
her savage watchdog will not let me near the house. She cannot
prove that is me anyway, and pants get ripped all the time.
Also the Pit Stop Tavern where I am too aloud in was watching
the baseball game. And Ignacio who lives two trailers down
was either watching Spanish TV or playing a video game. I
could not make it out through the wall of the trailer.
George W. has said many times that the terrorists hate us
for our freedom. "What our enemies began, we will finish,"
he said. Sure enough, a court that was all Republicans met
this very week and only listened to one side of the case.
So much for human rights! Chalk up another big victory against
freedom for Our Great President who life would be easier if
he was a dictator, as he has said.
However it is shocking to report that many Americans who
must be terrorist sympathizers are ignoring the Orange Alert!
and going about their humdrum everyday hopeless lives instead
of panicking as Our Great President wishes. Mrs. Rosenfeld
refused to make her son dig a pit around the trailer park
and fill it with gasoline as any sensible person would if
not for my bad back. And she laughed out loud when I told
her she should have Secret Service Agent Brown fingerprint
and get D and A samples from the post man and UPS guy, both
of whom are swarthy.
And Mr. Munchino told me to shut up when I told him we should
have a gun at the barber shop for Orange Alert! I would not
be surprised to learn he is really an Iraqiani secret agent
who is only pretending to be Italian. Yesterday I told him
to turn his radio to Rush Limbaugh so that we could all hear
what Our Great Vice President Dick Cheney was going to say
about evil liberals. "Cram it, nutso," he explained and turned
the Perry Como songs up louder.
Frankly the whole barber shop seems like a wiper's nest of
subversives. I will be keeping an eye on them, you bet!
However, there is happy news to report. Bill Simon has got
a judge to throw out the fraud conviction against him and
not because the fix was in so stop saying that. Now all of
California knows he is not a crook if you don't count the
secret partnerships and the phony charity and the offshore
tax shelter, which is hardly even illegal.
Also once again, no one can actually prove that the elections
which were screwed up in Florida were Jeb Bush's fault, especially
because there is going to be no investigation.
On the Homely Security Front, Our Great President's people
seized a whole bunch of telephones that were going overseas
to help Alkaheeda plan their terrorism. And even though it
turned out they were not
going overseas to help Alkaheeda plan their terrorism, they
could have been, which is just as good.
Also hardly anybody noticed that SEC chief Harvey Pits is
asking Our Great Vice President any questions about Halliburton.
And even though the workers there are getting cheated out
of their pensions, no-one can prove Dick Cheney has anything
to do with it. And with Harvey Pits help, no one ever will.
Bob Boudelang is a Republican Team Leader who was proud
to panic when there was an Orange Alert! He can be reached
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