Ask Auntie Pinko
May 9, 2002

Dear Auntie Pinko,

What are the worst aspects and best aspects of military life, or military families? I want to marry a guy joining the Marines, and I love him soooooo very much. He is the wind beneath my wings... if I were to lose him I wouldn't know what to do.... I thought it was his all time dream and it is.... but recently he told me he didn't know why he wanted to be in the military so badly... for all of these years... Maybe he is scared I know I am.... tell me what you know about the Marines and Marine life...

Thank you,
Amanda
Kansas City, MO

 
Dear Amanda,

As the daughter of a Marine, Auntie Pinko cannot claim to be unbiased in this matter. But I will be as honest as I know how. Also, please take into consideration that Auntie Pinko has many gray hairs and my experience dates from an era long before you were born, so many things have almost certainly changed in terms of the logistics of family life.

That said, there are some things that don't change, and one of them is the unshakable conviction of all Marines that they are the all-around toughest, most capable, least nonsense-ridden military outfit in existence. And that any Marine is worth any ten swabbies, grunts, or flyboys. If you marry a Marine, you will have to accept this highly biased and irrational belief without the slightest hint of skepticism. Your critical faculties may even become sufficiently dulled that you will begin to believe it yourself.

Here are the hard truths, Amanda: Being a military family of any kind means that you will probably have to move frequently. Putting down roots in a community (other than the service itself,) is difficult. Social life can be limited. There can and usually will be long periods of separation when you will have to keep things going on your own, without the supporting presence of your partner.

If you have children, you will spend periods, sometimes long periods, as a single parent. I understand that enlisted, specialist, noncom, and even junior officer pay scales are no more impressive now than they were when my Daddy was a jarhead, so you may find your financial circumstances limited. And since you will often be on the move, you may find it hard to establish and pursue a lucrative career of your own. There are some compensations in health benefits (not great, I understand, but better than none,) PXs, and other facilities the military provides in an attempt to ease the difficulties of family life, but they can't fully make up for the skimpiness of cash in the average military family.

You must also come to terms with the knowledge that at any time your sweetheart may be sent into harm's way-and, being a Marine, they take pride in the temperature of the hot water they get flung into when "some brasshat" is in trouble. And your attitude will probably make a significant impact on your family member's mental preparedness. Emotionally and psychologically it's often a less equal partnership than civilian marriages-service members make demands on their spouse's sensitivity, supportiveness, etc., that civilian spouses rarely make.

If your sweetheart sees combat, that will triple overnight. The toughness of the Marine esprit de corps does help a little way towards cushioning the impact, but nothing can keep a basically decent person from being profoundly changed by the brutal realities of human conduct in active combat zones. You have to be prepared for that.

And you have to be prepared for the reality that your sweetheart may be called upon to give the last full measure of devotion for his Corps and his country-which includes you. And there's no guarantee it will be a "noble" death-he could be killed by friendly fire, he could die in an equipment failure, the stupid ways people can lose their lives in military situations are too many to count. It often seems that they die for "nothing." It can be shattering.

But it's not "nothing" to the Marines. They know why they exist-which is to be a highly effective wall between all that they love and the horrors of war and tyranny. I use the metaphor of a wall deliberately because the way the Marine esprit works is like the mortar that cements a wall together. They never forget they are Marines. They never forget their commitment to one another. I saw my father fly across country to go to the funeral of Marine buddies he hadn't seen or spoken to in twenty years. If your sweetheart becomes a Marine this conditioning will become second nature to him. He'll never love you less, but the Corps is the Corps, and it will become part of who he is.

If you're not both ready for that, then don't become a Marine family. If you are, you have my warm support-and gratitude. Either way, congratulations on your love, and thanks for asking Auntie Pinko!

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