New Bush Counter-Terrorism Plan Unveiled:
President Will Stand in Front of Soldiers, Repeat Words "Victory"
December 10, 2005
Satire by David Albrecht
– As storm clouds gather around the White House, and as public doubts
grow with each new casualty report, President Bush's staff revealed
today that he will aggressively and personally take his case for
invading Iraq to the American people – by making speeches in front
of carefully screened military audiences.
The president plans to appear on stages containing lots and lots
of flags and weapons. In addition, Mr. Bush intends to use words
like "freedom" and "victory" over and over again, both to soothe
widespread doubts on the soaring human and economic costs of the
Iraq War and for the purpose of eliminating terrorist threats to
the United States.
According to staffers speaking largely off the record, the president's
plans over the next few weeks will include "at least two or three"
visits to military bases across America. These events, the likes
of which Beltway insiders have not seen for at least two or three
days, are likely to include large numbers of military personnel
whom, it is reported, will wear uniforms for the occasion of the
"Some events will be formal", according to one member of the White
House Press Office, "and President Bush will wear a suit and tie
to match the formal uniforms worn by the service members present.
So, say he visits West Point – the cadets will wear full-dress uniforms,
and he'll wear one of his nicer suits." However, this is only one
of the tactics the president's staff will employ as they fight for
victory over global terrorism. Some events will be, in the words
of the same unnamed staffer, "somewhat informal", and will feature
soldiers or Marines in fatigues, which will be matched by a casual
look for the president – "perhaps blue jeans and a jacket with a
logo on it – Navy, Air Guard, Coast Force, what have you."
Collectively, these carefully stage-managed images will convey
not only strong uniformity but steely resolve as well. The White
House is also hoping to transmit the idea that a fit and well-rested
president – renowned for his regular exercise regimen - is ready
for any terrorist threat. In the words of Press Secretary Scott
McClellan, "He's ready to roll up his fatigue sleeves and go to
work anytime, anywhere – just like our men and women in uniform."
The sight of the president, large numbers of uniformed personnel
and rows of flags, experts believe, will sap terrorist morale and
crush terror plots while building national unity for the Bush program.
In combination with the borderline-butch imagery of military uniforms,
according to McClellan, specially placed hardware "will devastate
the terrorists' will to win." Particularly effective, he noted,
will be the presence of big, shiny and vaguely scary machines –
i.e. tanks and helicopters – "in a variety of tough, industrial
color schemes, with really official-looking logos." Missiles and
cannon will offer an additional punchy and powerfully phallic image
with which to counter Islamic revolutionary terror.
But stirring images aren't the only part of the White House plan.
Words like "freedom," "resolve", and "victory" will be deployed
and used again and again to inspire and unify America, and to terrify
radical Islamists and insurgents. The administration also intends
to utilize specially tasked vocabulary elements, such as "September
11th", "liberty", "human rights", and "democracy" to surround terrorist
units, and such words and phrases as "sacrifice", "enemies of humanity"
and "no substitute for victory" to destroy them.
The president will stand on a raised platform which will in effect
raise him above the crowd and make him appear taller during these
appearances, McClellan confirmed. He will also employ video and
audio technologies to both appear and sound larger than he does
in real life, making both words and images doubly devastating to
the Iraqi insurgents.
When asked for estimates on how long the president would travel
the country to appear before military audiences, White House Chief
of Staff Andrew Card noted that victory could take years to achieve.