New Bush Counter-Terrorism Plan Unveiled: President Will Stand in Front of Soldiers, Repeat Words "Victory" and "Freedom"

December 10, 2005
Satire by David Albrecht

WASHINGTON – As storm clouds gather around the White House, and as public doubts grow with each new casualty report, President Bush's staff revealed today that he will aggressively and personally take his case for invading Iraq to the American people – by making speeches in front of carefully screened military audiences.

The president plans to appear on stages containing lots and lots of flags and weapons. In addition, Mr. Bush intends to use words like "freedom" and "victory" over and over again, both to soothe widespread doubts on the soaring human and economic costs of the Iraq War and for the purpose of eliminating terrorist threats to the United States.

According to staffers speaking largely off the record, the president's plans over the next few weeks will include "at least two or three" visits to military bases across America. These events, the likes of which Beltway insiders have not seen for at least two or three days, are likely to include large numbers of military personnel whom, it is reported, will wear uniforms for the occasion of the presidential visit.

"Some events will be formal", according to one member of the White House Press Office, "and President Bush will wear a suit and tie to match the formal uniforms worn by the service members present. So, say he visits West Point – the cadets will wear full-dress uniforms, and he'll wear one of his nicer suits." However, this is only one of the tactics the president's staff will employ as they fight for victory over global terrorism. Some events will be, in the words of the same unnamed staffer, "somewhat informal", and will feature soldiers or Marines in fatigues, which will be matched by a casual look for the president – "perhaps blue jeans and a jacket with a logo on it – Navy, Air Guard, Coast Force, what have you."

Collectively, these carefully stage-managed images will convey not only strong uniformity but steely resolve as well. The White House is also hoping to transmit the idea that a fit and well-rested president – renowned for his regular exercise regimen - is ready for any terrorist threat. In the words of Press Secretary Scott McClellan, "He's ready to roll up his fatigue sleeves and go to work anytime, anywhere – just like our men and women in uniform." The sight of the president, large numbers of uniformed personnel and rows of flags, experts believe, will sap terrorist morale and crush terror plots while building national unity for the Bush program.

In combination with the borderline-butch imagery of military uniforms, according to McClellan, specially placed hardware "will devastate the terrorists' will to win." Particularly effective, he noted, will be the presence of big, shiny and vaguely scary machines – i.e. tanks and helicopters – "in a variety of tough, industrial color schemes, with really official-looking logos." Missiles and cannon will offer an additional punchy and powerfully phallic image with which to counter Islamic revolutionary terror.

But stirring images aren't the only part of the White House plan. Words like "freedom," "resolve", and "victory" will be deployed and used again and again to inspire and unify America, and to terrify radical Islamists and insurgents. The administration also intends to utilize specially tasked vocabulary elements, such as "September 11th", "liberty", "human rights", and "democracy" to surround terrorist units, and such words and phrases as "sacrifice", "enemies of humanity" and "no substitute for victory" to destroy them.

The president will stand on a raised platform which will in effect raise him above the crowd and make him appear taller during these appearances, McClellan confirmed. He will also employ video and audio technologies to both appear and sound larger than he does in real life, making both words and images doubly devastating to the Iraqi insurgents.

When asked for estimates on how long the president would travel the country to appear before military audiences, White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card noted that victory could take years to achieve.