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A Message From Tom DeLay

November 2, 2005
Satire by Trevor Seigler

Dear Valued Friend,

I want to personally thank you for all your support in the wake of the recent news of my "indictment" on conspiracy charges. I assure you that I and my wife Nancy, our children George Walker and Laura, and of course our rottweiler "Gipper" have gained much pleasure and comfort from your many messages of love and kindness.

As I have stated before, the charges brought against me are unfounded. I have violated no law, no regulation, no rule of the House. I have done nothing unlawful, unethical or, I might add, unprecedented. I simply solicited some of my more "financially sound" friends for their generous donations to my campaign, a practice that is common among politicians seeking to remain in office. And let me assure you, so long as the sun sets in Texas, I will seek to remain in office. And I will need money to do so.

My associates, John Colyandro and Jim Ellis, are likewise free of any wrongdoing. Friends, we simply wanted to ensure that you, the humble taxpayer, know where we stand on the erroneous charges brought against me not only this year but also the previous one.

First off, 2004 was a busy year for the party, as you well know. We had that little scare in Texas when the Democrats turned chicken and left before we could vote on a referendum to change the voting districts. Now, they said it was brought up in session to ensure a Republican majority by redrawing the district lines to our favor. That is pure and simple nonsense. Everyone already knows that Texas votes Republican already. We simply wanted to make sure that it was less of a surprise come Election Day which party would win. I may have asked the FAA to "monitor" where these yellow so-called "Texans" ran off to, but that was just to ensure that they arrived at their destinations safely and with little ability to get back. There’s nothing "wrong" or "illegal" about that.

We're charged with supposedly "conspiring to make political contributions" from private corporations to state candidates. Now there is no grain of truth to that, my friend. I simply told my many wealthy CEO pals that they might want to share a little of their profits with my party's representatives and make sure that it didn’t violate Texas law. Now, what they did with that money once they got it, that's not your concern, friend. Can't you see the partisan nature of this attack?

Oh, and I suppose you've heard about those rounds of golf I played in Scotland, with Jack Abramhoff, who is supposedly a "lobbyist." I don't know much about what "lobbyists" do, my friend, but if they provide a man with the once-in-a-lifetime chance to play golf on the fields where it began, with the promise of a small, miniscule contribution to their cause afterwards and not reporting said trips to the House Ethics Committee, is it really a "crime"? I can't see where it is, and I'm a lawyer. I would know.

In truth, dear valued constituent, I think it's time you ask yourself why I'm so obviously being persecuted like this. I think we both know the answer to that; my enemies in the House and Senate are trying to get to me because I can't be bought by their political operatives. They don’t have enough money to buy off Tom DeLay. Only the energy companies and Texaco do.

I have regrettably had to step down from my position as Majority Leader for the time being, until I'm sure the time comes when these charges are dismissed as the unwarranted attacks that they are. My inquisitor, Mr. Ronnie Earle, is simply a liberal version of me. He takes just as much money as I have... of course, I did it legally, and not at the expense of you, dear friend. I am House Majority leader, after all. You'd expect me to have some integrity.

I was recently forced to submit to a shameful "arrest warrent" served against me. But as you can tell from my "mug shot" I have nothing to hide. Nothing at all... not a damn thing that has a paper trail, anyway... I mean, unless... no, no way they could find that... I'm sorry, I just get these headaches from time to time, memory gets affected. Nothing a little complimentary wine from the former head of Enron can't cure.

And so, in closing, I again offer my thanks for your support, and when my name is finally cleared and all the charges are dropped, I look forward to returning to my position. And when I do, I will be more powerful than ever before, thanks to the new titanium-encased, bullet-proof suit equipped with ground-to-air missiles that my illegal funds were saved up for. Let's see them take down… MEGA-DELAY!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ahem, I apologize. It’s been a stressful time for me. You'll understand if I ask you to ignore that last statement.

Sincerely,

Tom DeLay,
House Majority Leader
(No Matter What the Ethics Committee Says)

PS. I know where the bodies are buried. 'Nuff said.

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