A Message From Tom DeLay
November 2, 2005
Satire by Trevor Seigler
Dear Valued Friend,
I want to personally thank you for all your support in the wake
of the recent news of my "indictment" on conspiracy charges. I assure
you that I and my wife Nancy, our children George Walker and Laura,
and of course our rottweiler "Gipper" have gained much pleasure
and comfort from your many messages of love and kindness.
As I have stated before, the charges brought against me are unfounded.
I have violated no law, no regulation, no rule of the House. I have
done nothing unlawful, unethical or, I might add, unprecedented.
I simply solicited some of my more "financially sound" friends for
their generous donations to my campaign, a practice that is common
among politicians seeking to remain in office. And let me assure
you, so long as the sun sets in Texas, I will seek to remain in
office. And I will need money to do so.
My associates, John Colyandro and Jim Ellis, are likewise free
of any wrongdoing. Friends, we simply wanted to ensure that you,
the humble taxpayer, know where we stand on the erroneous charges
brought against me not only this year but also the previous one.
First off, 2004 was a busy year for the party, as you well know.
We had that little scare in Texas when the Democrats turned chicken
and left before we could vote on a referendum to change the voting
districts. Now, they said it was brought up in session to ensure
a Republican majority by redrawing the district lines to our favor.
That is pure and simple nonsense. Everyone already knows that Texas
votes Republican already. We simply wanted to make sure that it
was less of a surprise come Election Day which party would win.
I may have asked the FAA to "monitor" where these yellow so-called
"Texans" ran off to, but that was just to ensure that they arrived
at their destinations safely and with little ability to get back.
There’s nothing "wrong" or "illegal" about that.
We're charged with supposedly "conspiring to make political contributions"
from private corporations to state candidates. Now there is no grain
of truth to that, my friend. I simply told my many wealthy CEO pals
that they might want to share a little of their profits with my
party's representatives and make sure that it didn’t violate Texas
law. Now, what they did with that money once they got it, that's
not your concern, friend. Can't you see the partisan nature of this
Oh, and I suppose you've heard about those rounds of golf I played
in Scotland, with Jack Abramhoff, who is supposedly a "lobbyist."
I don't know much about what "lobbyists" do, my friend, but if they
provide a man with the once-in-a-lifetime chance to play golf on
the fields where it began, with the promise of a small, miniscule
contribution to their cause afterwards and not reporting said trips
to the House Ethics Committee, is it really a "crime"? I can't see
where it is, and I'm a lawyer. I would know.
In truth, dear valued constituent, I think it's time you ask yourself
why I'm so obviously being persecuted like this. I think we both
know the answer to that; my enemies in the House and Senate are
trying to get to me because I can't be bought by their political
operatives. They don’t have enough money to buy off Tom DeLay. Only
the energy companies and Texaco do.
I have regrettably had to step down from my position as Majority
Leader for the time being, until I'm sure the time comes when these
charges are dismissed as the unwarranted attacks that they are.
My inquisitor, Mr. Ronnie Earle, is simply a liberal version of
me. He takes just as much money as I have... of course, I did it
legally, and not at the expense of you, dear friend. I am House
Majority leader, after all. You'd expect me to have some integrity.
I was recently forced to submit to a shameful "arrest warrent"
served against me. But as you can tell from my "mug shot" I have
nothing to hide. Nothing at all... not a damn thing that has a paper
trail, anyway... I mean, unless... no, no way they could find that...
I'm sorry, I just get these headaches from time to time, memory
gets affected. Nothing a little complimentary wine from the former
head of Enron can't cure.
And so, in closing, I again offer my thanks for your support,
and when my name is finally cleared and all the charges are dropped,
I look forward to returning to my position. And when I do, I will
be more powerful than ever before, thanks to the new titanium-encased,
bullet-proof suit equipped with ground-to-air missiles that my illegal
funds were saved up for. Let's see them take down… MEGA-DELAY!!!!
Ahem, I apologize. It’s been a stressful time for me. You'll understand
if I ask you to ignore that last statement.
House Majority Leader
(No Matter What the Ethics Committee Says)
PS. I know where the bodies are buried. 'Nuff said.