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United States Grammar School Second Term Report to Parents

August 27, 2005
Satire by Nancy Greggs

Dear Mr. And Mrs. G.H.W. Bush,

We have repeatedly attempted to reach you in order to discuss your son, Georgie, and his failing second term with us, and are still awaiting an appropriate response. We are experiencing more than the usual problems with your son’s behaviour, and we really don’t believe that scribbling “Love It or Leave It” on our previous letters to you and faxing them back to us serves any productive purpose.

So it is with a sense of grave and gathering threat that I must insist you read and respond to the following, as things here are now completely out of control.

While it seemed a foregone conclusion that Georgie would not be returning for a second term (due to his abysmal performance last term), we have nevertheless been forced to abide by the decision of the student body, who voted on the issue last November. Amazingly, Georgie was able to garner as much as 220% of the votes in certain classrooms. In one glaringly suspect instance, a student named “Diebold” (who, to this day, we have not been able to confirm as a pupil here, due to a complete lack of any paper record) cast more votes for your son than we have students.

We had hoped this matter would receive some attention in our teachers’ newsletter, The Mainstream News Media, but apparently other more important events superseded the questionable outcome of our little voting process, including the break-up of two of our teachers, Mr. Brad and Ms. Jen, and a ticket sale drive for our 4th Graders’ school play, “The Runaway Bride”.

First and foremost, we must inform you that Georgie’s already poor grades have plummeted even further. On his most recent exams in our Telling the Truth to America and The Handling of Iraq courses, he scored the lowest marks we have ever seen. In years past, when we could count on the School Board to act appropriately, Georgie would have been expelled from our institution based on these marks alone.

Along with failing grades in every subject (Economics, Homeland Security, Immigration Enforcement, etc.), Georgie’s attitude can only be described as arrogant and dismissive. When reproached by his teachers and fellow students for his unacceptable behaviour, Georgie counters with nonsensical outbursts about having "capital to spend" and an "overwhelming Conservative mandate". Quite frankly, we are at our wits’ end trying to understand what it is he’s talking about, but we strongly suspect that illegal drugs and/or participation in some religious cult might be behind these incredibly inane comments.

While our entire teaching staff has tried to placate Georgie (and honestly, at least half of the staff should know better), his demands are getting more outrageous every day. He is now insisting that our science class on human reproduction include what he calls the “stork theory”. To be perfectly candid, his thought processes seem to lack any discernable design at all, intelligent or otherwise.

Georgie’s attitude towards schoolwork continues to be lackadaisical at best. By way of example, on a recent pop quiz on Current Events (i.e. the Economy, the War In Iraq, dealing with Iran and North Korea, US Job Losses, etc.), Georgie scribbled the words “We’ve turned the corner,” in response to every single question.

Instead of focusing on his studies, Georgie spends an inordinate amount of his time in the schoolyard, engaging in his own questionable pastimes. His favourite seems to be his “collections”, whereby he talks other students into donating money for what he describes as “just causes” and “necessary actions”. A few inquiries into where these funds were going turned up several checks in staggeringly large denominations, made payable to someone called “Halib Burton”. Needless to say, a full investigation is now underway; only a simpleton would not see immediately that there is something untoward happening there.

Georgie has also attempted to lure other students into some kind of scheme involving the privatization of their lunch money – thankfully, cooler heads have prevailed and the more he talks about the idea, the less interest the other students have in the entire enterprise. Actually, we have been encouraged by the fact that most of Georgie’s ideas are receiving the same tepid response – it’s as though the other pupils have finally caught on to the fact that for the most part, Georgie really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

We attempted last term, obviously without success, to warn you about Georgie’s habit of choosing his friends from among the most objectionable students. Regrettably, he has fared no better in this regard this term than in the last.

Georgie has been associating with a gang of thugs who call themselves ‘The Foxes’. These children are known for spreading false rumours about students they don’t like, as well as distributing totally false information to pupils who are studying for exams. This has resulted in more than a few failing grades.

In addition, many of these hooligans continually harass other students who are not part of Georgie’s group, and the name-calling is now totally out of hand. To be perfectly frank, we don’t know which aspect of this is more disturbing: the vileness of the things these children say, or the fact that Georgie is too cowardly to say them himself and relies on others to do his “dirty work” for him.

Although we are not particularly looking forward to Georgie’s remaining three years with us, we find some comfort in the fact that many of his friends will not, in all likelihood, be returning to our institution next fall, as it seems doubtful they will be able to pass their mid-term exams. We are hopeful that this loss of support from his usual cronies will cause Georgie to tone down his arrogant rhetoric, and bring an end to some of his more scatterbrained schemes.

Moving to another topic for just a moment, we want to remind you that we are still engaged in discussions with our legal counsel about ridding ourselves of Georgie’s lap dog, KarlRover, who your son insists on taking everywhere, despite the animal’s penchant for vicious behaviour. KarlRover has bitten and mauled one student too many, and we are looking forward to the removal of this filthy, uncontrollable animal in the not too distant future.

In addition to the aforementioned, I am prompted to write to you due to a most disturbing report regarding your son’s failure to complete his assignments in a timely manner. One of our teachers, Ms. C. Sheehan (classes include “Civic Responsibility 101” and “Speaking Out – Patriotism in Action”) assigned Georgie a simple task over the summer holidays; i.e. an oral essay on “What is Meant by a ‘Noble Cause’”.

Lest you think this was an onerous assignment, Ms. Sheehan did not place any restrictions on the length or brevity of the essay – Georgie was free to respond in as few words as he felt he could comfortably pronounce – the only proviso being that the essay was to be delivered in a one-on-one presentation.

As of this writing, Georgie has steadfastly refused to complete this assignment. We were informed by his friend, Scottie, that Georgie is on a ‘working’ summer vacation and is too busy to address this task. However, many of us have seen Georgie riding his bike, playing ‘rancher’, and attending parties over the past several weeks.

This type of conduct is disturbing to everyone, and has left a wide-spread perception amongst the student body that perhaps Georgie isn’t the compassionate little boy he has always so staunchly held himself out to be. We leave this matter in your capable hands, and trust that you will advise your child appropriately.

As you are undoubtedly aware, this will be Georgie’s last term with us. In view of the problems he has displayed academically and socially, we must hereby inform you that any applications for admittance into our program on behalf of your other children will not be accepted. This may seem a harsh position to take, but to be quite blunt, we feel that our institution’s heretofore sterling reputation has suffered enough.

Yours Truly,

Ms. J.Q. Public

Assistant Principal

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