The Fifth Column

May 25, 2005
Satire by Eddie Ruff

We now join an intrepid group of patriots in a church basement. The year: 2010.

Ferret: Welcome to the Coyote group of Republican American Patriots. I'm Ferret, and I'll be leading tonight's meeting. Remember, we use only code names in this cell - no real names, please. And what you see and hear here, stays here! Owl will now read the minutes from our last meeting.

Owl: Yes, at our last meeting we read the minutes, then we talked about how we've been doing in our Necessary Revolution, mainly, what things we need to do to bring down Hillary Clinton and the Democrats who now are wreaking havoc on our great nation. Starling reported that she had successfully derailed the Southern Pacific freight train down by the river. Beaver mentioned that he still hadn't been able to get the poison into the aqueduct yet - too heavily guarded. And Quail, God rest his soul, did manage to bring down the main PG&E north-south trunk line - of course he had to sacrifice himself to do that.

Ferret: God rest his soul!

All others: Bless him, God.

Owl: Yes, he truly has his reward in heaven now. Anyway, we then planned our new agenda - more acts of civil disobedience we thought might help bring down Hillary and her attack on our moral values. Tortoise stated that he might be able to tap into the ATF database and erase any of our real names he could find. Lamb vowed to begin building a compound in the foothills. And Beaver was going to try the aqueduct poisoning again.

Starling: Come on, Beaver, give it up! Hillary has that aqueduct swarming with jackbooted storm troopers - ever since we blew up the dam last year. Why don't you just wreck a train like me? It's easy!

Ferret: Order! You're out of turn, Starling. We'll get to that later. Next on the agenda, let's see how we did in our fight to restore America to traditional Godly values. Go ahead, Beaver, tell us what you were able to get done.

Beaver: Well, I got out near the aqueduct, it was the middle of the night, don't you see, and I was getting ready to sneak up with my 55 gallon drums of cyanide, and I saw some storm troopers, and I got pretty nervous, but then I remembered like you guys said, how Jesus is always with me as I do his bidding, like when I bombed those abortion clinics last year, and those went OK, but now even though I had my headlights off, I thought for sure I'd been spotted by some storm troopers, and they had some real Marines with them, not just National Guard, and a helicopter and everything, the dangerous black kind with the Sidewinders hanging off the side, and I...

All others: Zzzzzzzz!

Ferret: Come on Beaver, get to the point. Oh, never mind. Get with Starling after the meeting and you two go after the Union Pacific line this time. OK, Tortoise, let's hear what you've done to get America back to right thinking and good living like it was back in the 50's.

Tortoise: Well, I'll tell you what! I was able to tap right into the ATF files and take them back to the Stone Age. I hacked and hacked and hacked for days - which took a lot of coffee and cigarettes, you know, good ol' all-American drugs, and finally got past their myriad of firewalls. I got so deep in the system I even took out Timothy McVeigh and David Koresh!

Ferret: Good for you!

All others: Our heroes!

Tortoise: I've got more in store. I believe I can go sideways into the FBI files and wipe out a bunch of those too, and I...

Ferret: Wait! Bill, er, I mean Tortoise, don't forget - we'll get to that in a minute, in new business. OK Lamb, how's the compound coming?

Lamb: Good news. I got the land dirt cheap - which wasn't too hard to do since the Real Estate Crash of '05. I also hired on a bunch of good living all-American Patriots to help with the fencing and well-digging. Got them cheap, too, seeing as how unemployment is at 20% now. Would have got 'em cheaper, if it weren't for Hillary's evil Communist Jobs Program.

Ferret: Yes, it is evil. What would Jesus say if he knew the government was putting people to work instead of our good ol' corporations, the way it's supposed to be?

Lamb: I still can't believe they were able to impeach our wonderful George W. - too bad so many former Republicans (we dare not speak their names) turned traitor and voted him out. Just because they said the elections were rigged, and the wars in Iraq, Iran and Syria were unjust, and the Real Estate Crash was deliberate, and George W. knew it would lead to record unemployment so he'd have no trouble starting the draft back up to get the few young men who didn't join. You know, I don't even care if that stuff was true - at least we were on the right track to show everyone our God-fearing, Christian moral values when we were in charge and taking out the terrorists all over the world!

Ferret: Amen to that!

All others: Amen!

Lamb: Yeah, amen! And that damn hippie pacifist Hillary has ruined our War on Terror, bringing all our troops home where there aren't any jobs for all of 'em. Damn her!

All others: Yes, God, damn her to hell!

Ferret: OK, time for new business. What kind of plans have we been developing?

Deer: I've been thinking - Quail did a great job on the trunk line, God rest his soul. But they were able to tie in quite a few substations in a hurry and get half the city back on the grid. I think I'd like to take out a few of those.

Ferret: Good for you - but be careful! Even though it's for Jesus, we don't want you to get killed. We've lost three people out of this cell already just trying to knock out power. And Deer, we need you - you're our cyanide connection don't forget!

Mule: I was thinking maybe we should do some reading out of the Bible at these meetings. You know, for inspiration. Maybe the Sermon on the Mount?

Ferret: Mule, have you lost your mind? We serve an angry God! Those "blessed be's" were fine in Jesus' time, but with Hillary in charge and the Demon-crats running rampant over our Traditional American Values, we need to go back to the "eye for an eye" days of the Old Testament - and wreak revenge in the name of the Lord! He hates sinners and their sins! Hillary and her ilk are all baby-killing homosexuals who deserve to die a painful excruciating death, and don't you forget it!

Mule: Oh, sorry, er... Amen to that!

All others: Amen!

Ferret: Oh, look at the time - we better get out of here. They need this room for an AA meeting in a half an hour. Good Lord! OK – Tortoise, you've got the green light on taking down the FBI database. As for the rest of us, we're all set. Get out there and do some damage in the name of the Lord so we can get Hillary out of the White House, and restore our great country to its former glory! Let's close in the usual manner.

[At this time, all members of the Coyote cell of Republican American Patriots join hands in a circle, and vow once again that it's necessary to destroy America in order to save it. Amen.]

Eddie Ruff is a former Clear Channel employee who saw the light after he felt the heat, and got the hell out!