Individualized Laws - The Next Wave
March 30, 2005
By Fred Polvere
In its infinite wisdom, Congress has passed a law for one person
and one person only. Of course this will open a Pandora's Box because
every political move, no matter how crass, how egregious or how
ridiculous will shortly be outdone.
Here are some "individualized" laws soon to be enacted:
The Dick Cheney Law
Glacier, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon and Rocky National Parks will
be open for drilling and mining. All leases will be handled by Halliburton
and payments must be made in cash.
The Tom DeLay Law
House Majority Leader DeLay will receive full immunity for any
crimes he may have committed, has committed or will commit. In addition,
anyone who refers to Mr. DeLay as "The Bugman" will receive
the death penalty with no chance of appeal.
Note: I did not write "The Bugman" above. It was
inserted by the editor.
Note Note: The editor did it again.
The Bill O'Reilly Law
All settlements of law suits by Mr. O'Reilly shall constitute full
vindication that the claims against him were false.
Note: As all these laws are personal laws, this cannot be used
by Michael Jackson.
The Bill Frist Law
Commencing immediately Senator Frist must be referred to as Doctor
Senator Prognosticator Senate Majority Leader Frist. In addition
anyone who mentions Doctor Senator Prognosticator Senate Majority
Leader Frist's name and the word "cat" in the same paragraph
will be given a life sentence without parole.
Note: The second part of the law does not commence until 2006.
Whew - wasn't sure that editor ruse would work again.
The Jeb Bush Law
If Governor Bush is trailing Doctor Senator Prognosticator Senate
Majority Leader Frist in the polls, Governor Bush has the right
to call a military strike against Cuba.
Note: Cuban Cigars cause cancer and pollution.
Note Note: Cuba is so close to the United States that it must
be considered an imminent threat.
Note Note Note: The 9/11 hijackers may have gotten training
from watching films of the planes that were hijacked to Cuba in
Note Note Note Note: This could promote freedom and democracy
in Central America.
Antonin Scalia Law
Judge Scalia will not have to give up his seat on the Supreme Court
if is he chosen to become the next Pope.
Note: Since Judge Scalia has written that government derives
its authority from God, this does even rise to the appearance of
a conflict of interest.
The Paul Gigot Law
The Wall Street Journal editorial page will never have to publish
a retraction no matter how factually incorrect an editorial may
Note: This law is moot as the Wall Street Journal editors never
have printed a retraction.
Note Note: The Wall Street Journal editors have just responded
that they have never ever made a mistake.
Note Note Note: Judge Pope Antonin Scalia concurs with the Note
Note Note Note Note: Would that be Judge Pope Antonin Scalia
or Pope Judge Antonin Scalia?
The Chris Matthews Law
All guests on Hardball must answer Mr. Matthews' questions in one
word or less.
The Karl Rove Law
Even when he is collecting Social Security - that is, if he isn't
able to destroy it - reporters must refer to Mr. Rove as the "Boy
Genius." Failure to do so will result in exclusion from all
presidential press conferences, gaggles and events.
Note: An exception will be made to stud escorts.
The Rush Limbaugh Law
Mr. Limbaugh's body and personal space shall be considered a duty-free
zone. This will exempt Mr. Limbaugh from all drug laws.
The George W. Bush Law
In order to put the National Guard controversy to rest, President
Bush will be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his service
in the Texas Air National Guard. President Bush will accept the
award in Arkansas.
Fred Polvere is a retired New York City science teacher and
professional curmudgeon. He is active in local Democratic politics
in the Westchester area.