Individualized Laws - The Next Wave

March 30, 2005
By Fred Polvere

In its infinite wisdom, Congress has passed a law for one person and one person only. Of course this will open a Pandora's Box because every political move, no matter how crass, how egregious or how ridiculous will shortly be outdone.

Here are some "individualized" laws soon to be enacted:

The Dick Cheney Law

Glacier, Yellowstone, Grand Canyon and Rocky National Parks will be open for drilling and mining. All leases will be handled by Halliburton and payments must be made in cash.

The Tom DeLay Law

House Majority Leader DeLay will receive full immunity for any crimes he may have committed, has committed or will commit. In addition, anyone who refers to Mr. DeLay as "The Bugman" will receive the death penalty with no chance of appeal.

Note: I did not write "The Bugman" above. It was inserted by the editor.

Note Note: The editor did it again.

The Bill O'Reilly Law

All settlements of law suits by Mr. O'Reilly shall constitute full vindication that the claims against him were false.

Note: As all these laws are personal laws, this cannot be used by Michael Jackson.

The Bill Frist Law

Commencing immediately Senator Frist must be referred to as Doctor Senator Prognosticator Senate Majority Leader Frist. In addition anyone who mentions Doctor Senator Prognosticator Senate Majority Leader Frist's name and the word "cat" in the same paragraph will be given a life sentence without parole.

Note: The second part of the law does not commence until 2006. Whew - wasn't sure that editor ruse would work again.

The Jeb Bush Law

If Governor Bush is trailing Doctor Senator Prognosticator Senate Majority Leader Frist in the polls, Governor Bush has the right to call a military strike against Cuba.

Note: Cuban Cigars cause cancer and pollution.

Note Note: Cuba is so close to the United States that it must be considered an imminent threat.

Note Note Note: The 9/11 hijackers may have gotten training from watching films of the planes that were hijacked to Cuba in the 1970s.

Note Note Note Note: This could promote freedom and democracy in Central America.

Antonin Scalia Law

Judge Scalia will not have to give up his seat on the Supreme Court if is he chosen to become the next Pope.

Note: Since Judge Scalia has written that government derives its authority from God, this does even rise to the appearance of a conflict of interest.

The Paul Gigot Law

The Wall Street Journal editorial page will never have to publish a retraction no matter how factually incorrect an editorial may have been.

Note: This law is moot as the Wall Street Journal editors never have printed a retraction.

Note Note: The Wall Street Journal editors have just responded that they have never ever made a mistake.

Note Note Note: Judge Pope Antonin Scalia concurs with the Note Note above.

Note Note Note Note: Would that be Judge Pope Antonin Scalia or Pope Judge Antonin Scalia?

The Chris Matthews Law

All guests on Hardball must answer Mr. Matthews' questions in one word or less.

The Karl Rove Law

Even when he is collecting Social Security - that is, if he isn't able to destroy it - reporters must refer to Mr. Rove as the "Boy Genius." Failure to do so will result in exclusion from all presidential press conferences, gaggles and events.

Note: An exception will be made to stud escorts.

The Rush Limbaugh Law

Mr. Limbaugh's body and personal space shall be considered a duty-free zone. This will exempt Mr. Limbaugh from all drug laws.

The George W. Bush Law

In order to put the National Guard controversy to rest, President Bush will be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his service in the Texas Air National Guard. President Bush will accept the award in Arkansas.

Fred Polvere is a retired New York City science teacher and professional curmudgeon. He is active in local Democratic politics in the Westchester area.