Bloggers Uncover Helen Thomas's Prostitution Ring

March 1, 2005
Satire by Karen Spurr

Bloggers yesterday announced that they have uncovered a prostitution ring operated by renowned White House correspondent Helen Thomas.

On her website www.liberalgirls4stuffyrepublicanmen.com, Thomas touts the sexually liberal traits of the women for sale. Some of the girls are willing to do it with the lights on, the website proclaims.

Prices for services are $200 per hour without lighting and $250 per hour with lighting.

The mainstream press has taken great interest in the case, and members of the White House press corps are demanding that Helen Thomas never again be allowed in the brifieng room because of her alleged illegal activity.

Republicans are outraged and demanding a full investigation, including the names of all persons known to have hired one of Thomas's call girls.

Thomas believes this is part of a wide conspiracy of right-wingers to investigate her personal life, including her hobbies.

"The next thing you know, they're going to be demanding answers to personal questions like 'What are your biggest turnoffs?' and 'What is the best TV show ever?'" she said.

Supporters have set up a legal defense fund called Prostitutes are People Too. Donations to Prostitutes are People Too will go to defend Helen Thomas or any other reporter busted for operating illegal sex rings.

The founder of the fund, Bobby Eberle, says that if reporters are harassed for prostitution, soon no one will join the profession.

So far, Prostitutes are People Too has raised over $400 and the donations keep pouring in, usually five dollars at a time, but some donations have been as high as twenty dollars, says master fundraiser and media mogul Eberle.

Eberle says he will encourage his big donor friends to help free Helen or any other press prostitute that lands in jail.

"Prostitution is a proud profession of the press, and if we don't look after our own, who will? We do not care which side of the aisle the reporter is from, we are all one big family."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan says that Helen Thomas would have been allowed a press pass even if the Secret Service or FBI had identified her prostitution ring.

"Prostitution is not frowned upon in our credentialing process. Usually, if a background check reveals prostitution, we personally escort the reporter to the press conferences to ensure they get asked questions and are not discriminated against."

He also says that he was surprised to hear she operated this ring using her own name and has urged all reporters in the press corps to adopt an alias to avoid future embarrassment.

"It is best if the American people do not know who the members of the press corps are," said McClellan.