Bloggers Uncover Helen Thomas's Prostitution
March 1, 2005
Satire by Karen Spurr
Bloggers yesterday announced that they have uncovered a prostitution
ring operated by renowned White House correspondent Helen Thomas.
On her website www.liberalgirls4stuffyrepublicanmen.com, Thomas
touts the sexually liberal traits of the women for sale. Some of
the girls are willing to do it with the lights on, the website proclaims.
Prices for services are $200 per hour without lighting and $250
per hour with lighting.
The mainstream press has taken great interest in the case, and
members of the White House press corps are demanding that Helen
Thomas never again be allowed in the brifieng room because of her
alleged illegal activity.
Republicans are outraged and demanding a full investigation, including
the names of all persons known to have hired one of Thomas's call
Thomas believes this is part of a wide conspiracy of right-wingers
to investigate her personal life, including her hobbies.
"The next thing you know, they're going to be demanding answers
to personal questions like 'What are your biggest turnoffs?' and
'What is the best TV show ever?'" she said.
Supporters have set up a legal defense fund called Prostitutes
are People Too. Donations to Prostitutes are People Too will go
to defend Helen Thomas or any other reporter busted for operating
illegal sex rings.
The founder of the fund, Bobby Eberle, says that if reporters are
harassed for prostitution, soon no one will join the profession.
So far, Prostitutes are People Too has raised over $400 and the
donations keep pouring in, usually five dollars at a time, but some
donations have been as high as twenty dollars, says master fundraiser
and media mogul Eberle.
Eberle says he will encourage his big donor friends to help free
Helen or any other press prostitute that lands in jail.
"Prostitution is a proud profession of the press, and if we don't
look after our own, who will? We do not care which side of the aisle
the reporter is from, we are all one big family."
White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan says that Helen Thomas
would have been allowed a press pass even if the Secret Service
or FBI had identified her prostitution ring.
"Prostitution is not frowned upon in our credentialing process.
Usually, if a background check reveals prostitution, we personally
escort the reporter to the press conferences to ensure they get
asked questions and are not discriminated against."
He also says that he was surprised to hear she operated this ring
using her own name and has urged all reporters in the press corps
to adopt an alias to avoid future embarrassment.
"It is best if the American people do not know who the members
of the press corps are," said McClellan.