Bush Face Down on Floor
August 20, 2004
By K. Hardesty
This week, Bush spoke before the Veterans of Foreign Wars. He
promised that his 2005 budget would do more for them than they could
I'm sure that's good news to the thousands of veterans who have
had their benefits slashed and their health claims denied.
I'm sure it's good news to the disabled soldiers from Iraq and
Afghanistan who have been treated horribly by the Bush administration.
I'm sure that's good news to the current soldiers in Iraq who
lack basic equipment, like protective vests.
If Bush is telling the truth, all of his promises to veterans and
soldiers would be good news.
Bush has made many sacrifices for our troops, like praying face
down on the floor and giving up sweets until they come home from
Iraq. According to last year's book, The Faith of George Bush,
"It became known that he (Bush) refused to eat sweets while American
troops were in Iraq, a partial fast seldom reported of an American
The book also claims that "Aides found him face down on the floor
in prayer in the Oval Office."
Thanks, Bush. While you're lying face down on the floor praying
for the troops and passing up the pralines, are these the kind of
prayers you say?
Dear Lord, please remind me to order those Kevlar vests for
the troops. Or remind me to order Donnie to order the vests. Somebody
has got to order those vests 'cause the Democrats are running around
claiming that women are holding bake sales to buy vests for their
kids over there. I cannot go to bake sales 'cause I gave up sweets.
I reckon I will have to take money out of my multi-billion dollar
budget reserved for Halliburton so those housewives and Democrats
can shut up about the bake sales for vests.
Oh, and Dear Lord, thanks for helping me with lies I cannot
get caught at. Last Friday I claimed to Larry King that I had meetings
with families of soldiers who were killed in Iraq. He wanted to
know why no one knew about this. Thinking fast, 'cause Laura and
you were by my side, I said the reason no one knew about all of
these meetings was 'cause they were private. Dear Lord, please make
me a good liar all of the time. I swear, there is no way to prove
Dear Lord, I also said on Larry King that no one in the world
cares more about the soldiers in Iraq than I do. And I swear I do.
It's just, sometimes, to appease my buddies, I have to make the
soldiers sacrifice for the greater good. Like, I had to raise money
to supplement the veterans' health care by charging the veterans
$250 enrollment fees. I had to do this so I could give my rich friends
gigantic tax breaks. So, Lord, I am asking you to not to let some
cocky reporter show this on the news. That lie, about me caring
more than anyone else is also hard to prove, so I thank you for
Also, Dear Lord, please do not let veterans dig into my 2005
budget too much. You see, I claim that soldiers have an average
pay of $40,000 a year and they really only get about $19,000 a year
if they have been in for three years. You see, I include things
like their retirement benefits that don't even start until they
have been in for 20 years. And I include things like their housing
and health benefits.
Dear Lord, I am hoping that the old guys are too old to check
my math. Those WWII vets should be dropping like flies since they
are in their eighties and nineties now. And those Korean vets should
be kicking the bucket soon, too. And if I deploy all of the guys
50 and under to the Middle East next year, no one will be around
to gripe about my fuzzy math. Dear Lord, help me make this so.
One more thing, Lord. While I am lying face down on the floor,
help me find an M&M or at least a little coke to snort. Help me
make it through the night.
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