August 17, 2004
Satire by lazylawyer
The following document was recently found in the men's room
of a McDonald's near the Capitol:
FEDERAL MARRIAGE AMENDMENT: Marriage in the United States shall
consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this constitution
or the constitution of any state, nor state or federal law, shall
be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents
thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups.
WHEREAS, we've figured out that these here constitutional amendments
guarantee us first-page media coverage;
WHEREAS, it's important to define things correctly, not according
to dictionaries, which we all know are controlled by liberal elites;
NOW THEREFORE, while we're going to all this trouble to define
MARRIAGE, let's also make sure the Constitution properly defines
other enduring concepts crucial to the survival of this godly Nation:
Climate change shall mean Republicans' tragically unrequited
efforts to "change the climate in Washington" to one of genial bipartisanship.
It shall not be construed to refer to the fictitious concept of
global warming, advanced by the sort of quack scientists who also
believe they are descended from monkeys - which come to think of
it they might be, although we Republicans most decidedly are not.
Class warfare shall mean whining by liberals that right-wing
tax cuts take hard-earned money from the middle class and give it
to the rich. This term shall under no circumstances be used to refer
to an economic policy consisting entirely of tax cuts that take
hard-earned money from the middle class and give it to the rich.
Solely for purposes of this provision, the term "rich" shall not
include George Soros, Bono or Whoopi Goldberg.
Political hate speech shall consist of liberals criticizing
conservatives. It shall not be construed to mean anything Ann Coulter
says, including, without limitation, that (1) Bill Clinton lied
every time he said 'God bless America' because he doesn't believe
in God or America; (2) liberals only pretend to be rooting for America
in the war on terrorism or (3) liberals haven't the vaguest idea
what Christianity is.
Conflict of interest shall apply only to Democrats. The
term excludes any situation helpful to Republicans, including, without
limitation (1) Ken Starr acting as Special Prosecutor after advising
Paula Jones in her sexual harassment lawsuit against Clinton; (2)
anyone acting as a Republican candidate's campaign manager in a
state while also overseeing the vote counting there, or (3) any
relationship involving Antonin Scalia and/or Dick Cheney and/or
Activist judge shall mean any judge who refuses to overrule
Roe v. Wade. It shall not refer to any federal judge who overrules
a state judge's decision made under state law, if the state judge's
decision could conceivably result in votes being transferred from
a Republican candidate to the Democratic candidate for whom they
were actually cast.
This clause shall apply regardless of whether or not the federal
judge halting the vote count was appointed by a parent or other
close relative of the Republican candidate. (See Conflict of
Faith-based initiative shall mean any initiative by a Republican
president to wage war whenever he feels like it, based on his deep
and abiding faith that the media will mindlessly trumpet whatever
bullshit reasons he comes up with.
USA PATRIOT shall stand for United and Strengthening America
by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct
Terrorism, the indispensable law that allows Republicans to decide
who among us is a terrorist, which all Americans agree (you do,
right?) is vital to the security of the Nation.
The term USA PATRIOT shall under no circumstances be construed
to refer to any Democrat who makes a big stink about Republican
draft-dodging just because he got a Purple Heart or lost a few limbs
in some war. Such slanderous attacks, known as Useless, Stupid And
Pathetic Attempts to Terrorize Republicans by Imitating Our Tactics,
shall henceforth be prohibited by this Constitution.
Adopted in the year of our Lord (and we do mean OUR Lord) two
thousand and four.