Devil's Dictionary

August 17, 2004
Satire by lazylawyer

The following document was recently found in the men's room of a McDonald's near the Capitol:

FEDERAL MARRIAGE AMENDMENT: Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this constitution or the constitution of any state, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups.

WHEREAS, we've figured out that these here constitutional amendments guarantee us first-page media coverage;

WHEREAS, it's important to define things correctly, not according to dictionaries, which we all know are controlled by liberal elites;

NOW THEREFORE, while we're going to all this trouble to define MARRIAGE, let's also make sure the Constitution properly defines other enduring concepts crucial to the survival of this godly Nation:

Climate change shall mean Republicans' tragically unrequited efforts to "change the climate in Washington" to one of genial bipartisanship. It shall not be construed to refer to the fictitious concept of global warming, advanced by the sort of quack scientists who also believe they are descended from monkeys - which come to think of it they might be, although we Republicans most decidedly are not.

Class warfare shall mean whining by liberals that right-wing tax cuts take hard-earned money from the middle class and give it to the rich. This term shall under no circumstances be used to refer to an economic policy consisting entirely of tax cuts that take hard-earned money from the middle class and give it to the rich.

Solely for purposes of this provision, the term "rich" shall not include George Soros, Bono or Whoopi Goldberg.

Political hate speech shall consist of liberals criticizing conservatives. It shall not be construed to mean anything Ann Coulter says, including, without limitation, that (1) Bill Clinton lied every time he said 'God bless America' because he doesn't believe in God or America; (2) liberals only pretend to be rooting for America in the war on terrorism or (3) liberals haven't the vaguest idea what Christianity is.

Conflict of interest shall apply only to Democrats. The term excludes any situation helpful to Republicans, including, without limitation (1) Ken Starr acting as Special Prosecutor after advising Paula Jones in her sexual harassment lawsuit against Clinton; (2) anyone acting as a Republican candidate's campaign manager in a state while also overseeing the vote counting there, or (3) any relationship involving Antonin Scalia and/or Dick Cheney and/or a duck.

Activist judge shall mean any judge who refuses to overrule Roe v. Wade. It shall not refer to any federal judge who overrules a state judge's decision made under state law, if the state judge's decision could conceivably result in votes being transferred from a Republican candidate to the Democratic candidate for whom they were actually cast.

This clause shall apply regardless of whether or not the federal judge halting the vote count was appointed by a parent or other close relative of the Republican candidate. (See Conflict of Interest, above.)

Faith-based initiative shall mean any initiative by a Republican president to wage war whenever he feels like it, based on his deep and abiding faith that the media will mindlessly trumpet whatever bullshit reasons he comes up with.

USA PATRIOT shall stand for United and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism, the indispensable law that allows Republicans to decide who among us is a terrorist, which all Americans agree (you do, right?) is vital to the security of the Nation.

The term USA PATRIOT shall under no circumstances be construed to refer to any Democrat who makes a big stink about Republican draft-dodging just because he got a Purple Heart or lost a few limbs in some war. Such slanderous attacks, known as Useless, Stupid And Pathetic Attempts to Terrorize Republicans by Imitating Our Tactics, shall henceforth be prohibited by this Constitution.

Adopted in the year of our Lord (and we do mean OUR Lord) two thousand and four.