An Army of None

July 22, 2004
By Max Udargo

- What's your excuse?

- Sir, excuse for what, sir?

- I'm asking the questions here, private! Do you understand?

- Sir, yes sir!

- Well thank you very much. Can I be in charge for awhile?

- Sir, yes sir!

- Where in the hell are you from anyway, private?

- Sir, Texas, sir!

- Holy dogshit! Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy! And you don't much look like a steer to me, so that kind of narrows it down.

- Sir...

- Sir what? Were you about to call me a major league asshole?

- Sir, no sir!

- Private Cowboy, why did you join my beloved Corps?

- Sir, to kill Iraqis, sir!

- So you're a killer!

- Sir, yes sir!

- And why do you want to kill Iraqis, Private Cowboy?

- Sir, because they supported the terrorists who attacked our country, sir!

- Is that so, Private Cowboy!

- Sir, yes sir!

- Are you sure, Private Cowboy!

- Sir, yes sir!

- Are you sure it wasn't Iran and not Iraq that supported the terrorists who attacked our country?

- Sir...

- Sir what? Were you about to tell me to fuck myself?

- Sir, no sir!

- Haven't you heard the new reports that at least 8 of the 19 hijackers were allowed to pass undocumented through Iran before attacking the United States? Hasn't the 9/11 commission determined that al Qaeda had more contacts with Iran than with Iraq?

- Sir, I'm not sure, sir!

- You are dumb, Private Cowboy, but do you expect me to believe you don't know the difference between Iraq and Iran?

- Sir, no sir!

- Tell me, Private Cowboy, if it turns out the Iranians did have something to do with 9/11, do you think we should go over there and kick their Persian asses?

- Sir, yes sir!

- Are you sure, Private Cowboy?

- Sir, yes sir!

- You're telling me if the Iranians gave aid and assistance to the hijackers who attacked us on 9/11, you think we should go to war with Iran?

- Sir, yes sir! Absolutely, sir!

- And how do you propose we do that, Private Cowboy?

- Sir?

- How do you propose we do that, Private Cowboy?

- Sir, the private does not understand the question, sir!

- Jesus H. Christ! Well, let me spell it out for you, sweetheart! The Army is calling up 5,600 former soldiers from the Individual Ready Reserve to meet the needs the war in Iraq is placing on it. The military has implemented mandatory extensions of duty for some of those already in Iraq. We've called up more Reservists and National Guard troops than at anytime since WWII. Forty percent of the troops in Iraq are from Reserve or Guard units. We've begun cannibalizing specialized training units and sending them to Iraq. There is talk of a draft and of reneging on our commitments in South Korea and Europe to take pressure off a military stretched too thin by the war in Iraq. So I ask you again, Private Cowboy, if it does turn out that Iran is guilty of aiding the 9/11 hijackers, and we want some payback, how do you propose we fight a war against the Iranians when we've got no troops to fight the war with because all of our troops are tied up in Iraq?

- Sir, I don't know, sir!

- What are you trying to do to my beloved Corps?

- Sir, I don't know, sir!

- You don't know much, do you Private Cowboy?

- Sir, no sir!

- I suppose you think we should just start drafting people and fill the ranks of the military that way!

- Sir, yes sir!

- Numbnuts! You think I can train people fast enough to build a whole new army for a whole new war while the Iranians still remember why we're coming to kick their asses? You think you can call up and train a modern army in a few days? You need those troops by next Tuesday? Can you give me 'til Wednesday morning? What do you think I am, the fairy fucking godmother?

- Sir, no sir!

- Do you think I'm cute, Private Cowboy? Do you think I'm funny?

- Sir, no sir!

- Then wipe that disgusting smirk off your face!

- Sir, yes sir!

- Well any fucking time, sweetheart!

- Sir, I'm trying, sir.

- Private Cowboy, I'm going to give you three seconds, exactly three fucking seconds, to wipe that stupid-looking smirk off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! One... two... three!

- Sir, I can't help it, sir...

Visit Max Udargo's blog at www.udargo.com