They Can't Be Syria's...
Satire by a_random_joel
The following highly sensitive intercept was made on the
eve of the Iraq War. Saddam, facing certain death or capture,
decides to call his closest ally in a last ditch effort to
hide the goods.
Saddam: Hello Bashar?
Bashar: Saddam, my brother, It is good to talk to
you. Is this a secure line? Make it quick.
Saddam: Yes. I understand. Listen, Bashar, I need
small favor. I need to hide a few things.
Bashar: Your wives and children? No prob, Saddam.
This I can do for you.
Saddam: Uhhh. Not quite. You know that stuff the
Americans think I have? Well, I do have a little bit left
and I thought you could help me out.
Bashar: Are you kidding? Isn't that stuff like 14
years old? Saddam: Yeah but still, I don't need any more problems.
I hear word that the Americans are on their way in any day
Bashar: But don't you want to hang on to it for that
one last Hail Mary?
Saddam: Ahem... Hail Allah?
Bashar: Yeah, Yeah. Been watching too much American
football on the satellite TV. Big Raiders fan. How about you?
Bashar: I should've guessed. But Saddam, they're
the Titans now.
Saddam: Those Infidels!
Bashar: Anyways, I had you pegged more as a Cowboys
Saddam: Enough with the jokes Bashar. Can you help
Bashar: Listen Saddam. There is no need to hide it
here. I have plenty of that stuff. We've been making it for
years. Whatever you want. VX, Sarin, Viagara... Anything you
need Saddam. We have tons of the stuff! Crazy Bashar stocks
it deep so he can sell it cheap!
Saddam: Yes, but nothing beats home made, Bashar...
Bashar: Listen, Saddam. You are my brother. We will
face down the infidel together. But there are too many risks
for me right now. What about the satellites? The American
planes? I've got more than enough stuff on hand for you, and
I'll give you a 10% anti-crusader discount. But, the last
thing I need right now is infidels marching on Damascus. I
just got hooked up with the satellite, remember? It's gonna
be a great season... the Raiders just picked up Sapp!
Saddam: Perhaps you are right, my friend. I never
understood why they always come after me and not you. You
actually have these weapons. You've been helping out Hezbollah
for years. You have attacked other countries. You run a puppet
government in Lebanon. Why me?
Bashar: Saddam... Perhaps it is because the only
oil we have is olive oil.
Saddam: Yes, yes. Well, maybe you can help me out
with one other thing then.
Bashar: Anything my brother.
Saddam: You know all those Saddam body doubles? Can
you help me hide them?
Bashar: I thought that was a myth perpetuated by
the American media to show you as a megalomaniac madman?
Saddam: Ha ha!You got me... Anyways I gotta run.
I hear the air raid sirens. I'm gonna cruise by my old stomping
grounds in Tikrit. I know a nice little hole in the wall...