Dispatch from 2032
Satire by Ian Watson
abnormality in the sun's gravitational field Thursday resulted
in a small portion of an American news program from the future
to be received by several television sets in Ciudad Acuna,
Mexico and Del Rio, Texas. The program appears to originate
from the year 2032. The following is a transcript:
FEMALE REPORTER (wearing bikini top):
... and it looks like a beautiful day for the Patriot Parade
in San Antonio which is enjoyed by all who love America and
freedom. Back to you, Todd.
(Cut to newsroom - two men behind news desk)
TODD: Thanks, Candi. (Turns to other man)
Y'know I took the kids to last month's Patriot Parade in New
York - it was a blast. Former Secretary of Domestic Information
Bill O'Reilly gave a great speech. But anyway, Damon, I understand
there's more trouble overseas.
DAMON: I'm afraid so, Todd. Gap Incorporated Information
Officer Will Hardison told reporters today that if the new
radical government in Burma continues to insist on what he
called "extravagant and unnecessary labor regulations" for
its citizens working in clothing manufacturing facilities,
including those owned by The Gap, then Gap Security Forces
- or "GSF" - would be forced to conduct a preemptive strike
against the Burmese government to protect its workers from
dangerous labor union propaganda.
TODD: Apparel corporation Tommy Hilfiger has voiced
support for The Gap, even as a dispute lingers over the status
of Hilfiger's trade agreements with China after the GSF instituted
regime change in that country three years ago. Not only does
The Gap fight for freedom around the world, Damon, but they
also make great looking suits like the one I'm wearing.
DAMON: Shortly before his conviction on charges of
illegal publishing and possessing child pornography on his
computer, alternative news icon and known America-hater Barry
Goodman suggested that the new Burmese government was formed
through popular rebellion and should have the right to establish
its own laws including those affecting worker protections.
Goodman maintains his innocence on the pornography charge.
TODD: I'm sure he does, Damon (Both men laugh).
In related news, Tommy Hilfiger's stock value surged after
Hilfiger Foreign Relations and Acquisitions announced discussions
of a possible merger with The Gap. This is only a tiny part
of what many are calling the greatest stock market rally in
history, which is assisted in no small part by the complete
privatization of U.S. military operations last year, and the
recent sale of naming rights for federal properties and institutions.
The Smithsonian, CIA Headquarters, and Congress are all about
to follow the Exxon/Mobil/Shell White House and the Visa Lincoln
Memorial in receiving their new names .
DAMON: Excuse me, Todd, but I've got to interrupt
you there. Exxon/Mobil/Shell White House Spokesman Harold
Savage is about to make a statement on the situation developing
with the EU and Operation Canadian Liberty.
(Cut to White House Press Briefing Room with White House
Spokesman Harold Savage wearing a Nike baseball cap)
SAVAGE: Good Morning. Thank you all for attending
this Exxon/Mobil/Shell White House briefing sponsored by CokePepsi,
the choice of your generation and all others to follow. Enjoy
Freedom Splash, the new beverage from CokePepsi - it makes
ya feel great.
Now on to the issue at hand. The CIA has learned that factions
within Canada are aggressively moving forward in negotiations
with the Union of European Democratic Nations to ally themselves
against U.S. interests. President Bush considers this a blatantly
aggressive action against the United States and freedom-loving
Canadians. We will not allow the evildoers of Europe to establish
an alliance of terror on our northern border with illegal
factions inside Canada.
The recent suicide attacks on WorldCom Military Forces protecting
their interests in Toronto make it clear that Canada is now
the central front of the War on Terror, which has been raging
for the past thirty years. Al Qaeda and its allies now control
whole nations in the Middle East and Southeast Asia, and nearly
the entire continent of Africa. The president intends to stay
the course as we always have. Progress is being made. Canadian
children are back in school. We must show the world that the
United States will not cut and run at this critical juncture.
We will never surrender to the terrorists as many America-haters
suggest - even those in our own country.
Questions ... Lisa.
REPORTER: Thank you. How does President Jenna Bush
remain so strong and courageous in these times of change?
SAVAGE: That's a good question. President Bush has
a very close relationship with God. She has allowed God to
enter her heart and He gives her strength in this fight against
Uh, yes, Mark.
REPORTER: Thank you, Mr. Savage. The New York Times
has reported that Jamaica is seeking weapons of mass destruction.
What does President Bush intend to do about this threat to
our freedom and security?
SAVAGE: Secretary of Defense Schwarzenegger has been
negotiating a contract with Halliburton Headquarters in the
Iraqi Republic for military action against Jamaica. If Jamaica
refuses to disarm, and continues to threaten its neighbors
and the United States, President Bush will authorize Halliburton
Strike Forces to remove the tyrannical Jamaican regime from
power and bring freedom to its people.
Uh, yes, you there.
REPORTER: Thank you. I have two questions, please.
One: After the U.S. government's case for invasion and regime
change proved false in Iraq, Syria, Iran, Nicaragua, Guatemala,
Cuba, Egypt, Turkey, and now Canada ... (Loud commotion
- Unintelligible) ... Bush expect people to believe her
case to invade Oregon and Jamaica? Why ... (Unintelligible)
(Random Shouting In Briefing Room) Do want our enemies
to win? ... Why do you support terror? ... Get him out of
here! ... Have you forgotten 9-11 and 2-25?
REPORTER: (Continues, shouting) ... two: Canada
has the largest supply of fresh water in the world. Doesn't
the privatization of Canadian water by U.S. corporations and
the global water shortage have something to do with the war?
How will these corporations profit from the war, Mr. Savage?
Why are innocent Canadian citizens being slaught ... (Reporter
is gagged and led away by security. The room applauds.)
SAVAGE: Quiet, please. I apologize for the intrusion.
(Unintelligible) ... somehow been infiltrated ...
(Unintelligible). Please, quiet. Thank you. As you all
know, that was a blatant violation of the Support The Troops
Amendment, which prohibits criticism of the United States
Government and corporate military contractors in a time of
war. Excuse me (Uniformed man speaking in Savage's ear).
I apologize ladies and gentlemen, but Security is instructing
me to end this press briefing. I'm afraid that's all the time
we have. American Airlines is offering great rates for the
holiday season. Support America - support American Airlines.
(Savage leaves the podium)
(Cut back to newsroom, both men are laughing)
DAMON: What a character. Free speech! Free speech!
(Laughing) Well, folks, that's live television for
you. It's a good thing there weren't any reporters like that
forty years ago or we would have lost the War on Terror before
it began. He'll most likely be required to attend Freedom
Education if found guilty. We'll take a short break for this
important message. (Laughter)
(Cut to commercial)
(Camera panning over body of physically endowed young
woman in lingerie)
VOICEOVER: Do you have acne? You're not alone. Many
young people are laughed at every day because they're ugly
like you. You can have the last laugh with ClearSkin Ultra.
(Athletic man with clear, tan skin moves into camera view
and begins disrobing woman). Imagine your life - with
(Next Commercial - American flag waving)
VOICEOVER: Fighting for Freedom. Fighting Terror.
Fighting Evil. (George W. Bush walking in flight suit)
At the turn of the century, her father embarked on a crusade
to change the world for our children. (Jenna Bush kneeling
and hugging a child) Every president since, including
her uncle Jeb Bush, has carried this torch of freedom. (Jeb
Bush taking the presidential oath of office) Vote for
Freedom. Vote for Good. (Jenna Bush in astronaut suit aboard
spacecraft) Vote Bush '32. Paid for by the '32 Republican-Democratic
Party Campaign and Archer Daniels Midland - changing the world
for the better - one species at a time.
(Cut back to news program)
TODD: Welcome back to CNN/ABC/Fox/NBC/CBS/Time Warner
Headline News Hour sponsored by Wal-Mart Corporation. Their
employees are always smiling - and so are you - when you shop
at Wal-Mart. How about that GM stock, Sandy?
(Cut to woman in halter top and miniskirt standing in
front of stock market graphics)
SANDY: Look out, Todd! Here comes General Motors!
Ever since GM finalized the transition to total prison labor,
their stock has gone through the roof! GM Minister of Information
Beverly Hays said GM is committed to giving prisoners an opportunity
to learn the value of a hard day's work. Not only does GM
save a bundle by paying prison wages, it's able to take advantage
of the largest prison population in American history - nearly
50 million! Many prisoners are former GM employees that were
laid off over the past few years and able to make a perfect
transition into their new life.
GM has completely recovered from the slight dip in its stock
value after a prison riot broke out last week that united
guards and prisoners against GM Human Corrections Department
upper management demanding healthcare and better wages.
TODD: I bet they wanted 11 months of vacation too,
eh, Sandy? (All laugh)
SANDY: Hey, it sounds good to me! (All laugh)
TODD: Thanks, Sandy. In other news, Burger King is
announcing its new 2-Pound Deep-Fried Chocolate Cheese-Dipped
Quintuple Meat Deluxe Sandwich for its school cafeteria program
to compete with McDonald's Mega Beef ...
(End of transmission)
Ian Watson is a working stiff and creator of www.bushpresident2004.com.