News Presents: Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004
Satire by James A. Bartlett
June 08, 2004
SIMI VALLEY, Calif. — Ronald Reagan, the greatest president
in the history of the Republic, was taken bodily into Heaven
on Saturday at the age of 93.
Reagan was born in Tampico, Illinois, in 1911. The first
30 years of his life, like the first 30 years of Jesus, are
largely shrouded in mystery. After a brief career as a radio
announcer, Reagan became a successful movie actor beginning
in 1937, making nothing but wholesome films that could be
enjoyed by the entire family. Some believe that he was a New
Deal Democrat during these years, but this is a vile slander
by the Hillary/Kerry wing of the liberal media elite.
Reagan enlisted in the Army during World War II. On D-Day,
he led the American column ashore at Omaha Beach, carrying
one machine gun in each arm and a dagger in his mouth, even
though his poor eyesight made him technically ineligible for
combat. Returning home after winning the war, Reagan returned
to his film career and later worked in television as executive
producer and head writer of the popular 50s series Leave It
to Beaver. The Beaver years were a time he would never totally
Reagan served six terms as president of the Screen Actors
Guild during the late 40s and 50s. What looks on the surface
like an unfortunate flirtation with unions was in fact a brilliant
triumph, as Reagan helped uncover dozens of Communists in
Hollywood. The brilliance of Reagan's undercover work - not
to mention his scandalously overlooked talent as an actor
- is typified by the fact that he campaigned for Harry Truman
in 1948 and no one ever suspected his true role. The Communists
uncovered by Reagan were executed in 1955.
Reagan's real political colors were first displayed in 1964,
when he lent his name and fame to Barry Goldwater's near-upset
of Lyndon Johnson in the presidential race. In 1966, Reagan
was elected governor of California with 99.5 percent of the
vote. He gained the Republican presidential nomination in
1980. Every American who was alive then recalls where he was
on the night God himself pre-empted The Love Boat to announce
that the November election would be canceled. Reagan was inaugurated
the next afternoon.
Reagan's presidency was nearly short-circuited in 1981 when
a gunman attempted to assassinate him outside a Washington
hotel. When the shots rang out, Reagan deftly ditched his
Secret Service agents and chased the assailant into an alley,
where he used kung fu to disarm him and turn him over to D.C.
police. Due to the meddling of activist judges, however, Reagan's
true assailant was allowed to go free and another man, John
Hinckley, was incarcerated in his place. (Fox News recently
revealed that Reagan's real assailant was Bill Clinton.)
The assassination attempt marked a major milestone in Reagan's
presidency. From that day forward, Reagan's wisdom became
self-evident to all but a few hardline, bitter-end liberals.
Reagan replaced Jimmy Carter's "shameful" deficits with larger,
more impressive deficits worthy of the adjective "American."
Lower taxes for the wealthiest Americans lead to greater prosperity
for all Americans. When prayer was restored to the public
schools in 1984, the Soviet Union dissolved, the nations of
Eastern Europe were liberated from Communism, the Cold War
came to an end, and Reagan's beloved Chicago Cubs won their
first pennant in 39 years. (Reagan pitched seven shutout innings
in the pennant-clinching win over Pittsburgh.) Later that
year, Reagan became the first president since James Monroe
to run unopposed for re-election.
Reagan's second term moved from triumph to triumph, as the
self-evident superiority of conservative principles was made
clear again and again. The general economic surge permitted
all 50 states to abolish their welfare programs because people
were eager to lift themselves by their own bootstraps and
besides, it was morning in America. Vast improvements were
seen in the quality of public school education once we stopped
throwing money at the schools. Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No"
campaign helped cut the rate of drug abuse among young people
by 97 percent.
Reagan's ongoing thirst for justice was typified by his
reaction in 1987 when a White House aide, Oliver North, suggested
selling arms to parties in the Middle East and using the proceeds
to fund the Nicaraguan contras. "Out of my office, damn you!"
Reagan thundered to North. "Do not sully the purity of this
nation with your sordid scheming!"
As the 1988 election approached, mass street demonstrations
broke out, unlike any seen since the 1960s, as Americans everywhere
demanded that Reagan serve a third term. But Reagan was ready
to conclude his career, and as millions wept, he departed
the White House for retirement in California.
During his retirement years, Reagan became the most respected
elder statesman the country has ever known. In 1991, he reconciled
the Israelis and Palestinians. In 1992, he settled the Branch
Davidian siege at Waco short of violence, and in 1994, helped
avert postponement of the World Series by mediating between
baseball owners and players. In his spare time, he built houses
in conjunction with Habitat for Humanity.
Media reports during the last 10 years of his life indicated
that he was suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. This, too,
is liberal hate speech. Reagan's disappearance from public
life was due to his ongoing espionage work for the government,
a passion Reagan retained from his days as the Communist-hunting
president of SAG. In 2000, Fox News revealed that it was not
Linda Tripp but Reagan who first uncovered the relationship
between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.
Reagan was working on a new translation of the Bible from
the original Greek and Hebrew when God called him home on
Saturday. God was unavailable for comment, but his son, Jesus,
told the Washington Post, "We're thrilled to have Mr.
Reagan up here with us. I've been waiting for somebody to
take my seat next to Dad for quite a while now."