Fox News Presents: Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004
June 8, 2004
Satire by James A. Bartlett

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. � Ronald Reagan, the greatest president in the history of the Republic, was taken bodily into Heaven on Saturday at the age of 93.

Reagan was born in Tampico, Illinois, in 1911. The first 30 years of his life, like the first 30 years of Jesus, are largely shrouded in mystery. After a brief career as a radio announcer, Reagan became a successful movie actor beginning in 1937, making nothing but wholesome films that could be enjoyed by the entire family. Some believe that he was a New Deal Democrat during these years, but this is a vile slander by the Hillary/Kerry wing of the liberal media elite.

Reagan enlisted in the Army during World War II. On D-Day, he led the American column ashore at Omaha Beach, carrying one machine gun in each arm and a dagger in his mouth, even though his poor eyesight made him technically ineligible for combat. Returning home after winning the war, Reagan returned to his film career and later worked in television as executive producer and head writer of the popular 50s series Leave It to Beaver. The Beaver years were a time he would never totally leave behind.

Reagan served six terms as president of the Screen Actors Guild during the late 40s and 50s. What looks on the surface like an unfortunate flirtation with unions was in fact a brilliant triumph, as Reagan helped uncover dozens of Communists in Hollywood. The brilliance of Reagan's undercover work - not to mention his scandalously overlooked talent as an actor - is typified by the fact that he campaigned for Harry Truman in 1948 and no one ever suspected his true role. The Communists uncovered by Reagan were executed in 1955.

Reagan's real political colors were first displayed in 1964, when he lent his name and fame to Barry Goldwater's near-upset of Lyndon Johnson in the presidential race. In 1966, Reagan was elected governor of California with 99.5 percent of the vote. He gained the Republican presidential nomination in 1980. Every American who was alive then recalls where he was on the night God himself pre-empted The Love Boat to announce that the November election would be canceled. Reagan was inaugurated the next afternoon.

Reagan's presidency was nearly short-circuited in 1981 when a gunman attempted to assassinate him outside a Washington hotel. When the shots rang out, Reagan deftly ditched his Secret Service agents and chased the assailant into an alley, where he used kung fu to disarm him and turn him over to D.C. police. Due to the meddling of activist judges, however, Reagan's true assailant was allowed to go free and another man, John Hinckley, was incarcerated in his place. (Fox News recently revealed that Reagan's real assailant was Bill Clinton.)

The assassination attempt marked a major milestone in Reagan's presidency. From that day forward, Reagan's wisdom became self-evident to all but a few hardline, bitter-end liberals. Reagan replaced Jimmy Carter's "shameful" deficits with larger, more impressive deficits worthy of the adjective "American." Lower taxes for the wealthiest Americans lead to greater prosperity for all Americans. When prayer was restored to the public schools in 1984, the Soviet Union dissolved, the nations of Eastern Europe were liberated from Communism, the Cold War came to an end, and Reagan's beloved Chicago Cubs won their first pennant in 39 years. (Reagan pitched seven shutout innings in the pennant-clinching win over Pittsburgh.) Later that year, Reagan became the first president since James Monroe to run unopposed for re-election.

Reagan's second term moved from triumph to triumph, as the self-evident superiority of conservative principles was made clear again and again. The general economic surge permitted all 50 states to abolish their welfare programs because people were eager to lift themselves by their own bootstraps and besides, it was morning in America. Vast improvements were seen in the quality of public school education once we stopped throwing money at the schools. Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No" campaign helped cut the rate of drug abuse among young people by 97 percent.

Reagan's ongoing thirst for justice was typified by his reaction in 1987 when a White House aide, Oliver North, suggested selling arms to parties in the Middle East and using the proceeds to fund the Nicaraguan contras. "Out of my office, damn you!" Reagan thundered to North. "Do not sully the purity of this nation with your sordid scheming!"

As the 1988 election approached, mass street demonstrations broke out, unlike any seen since the 1960s, as Americans everywhere demanded that Reagan serve a third term. But Reagan was ready to conclude his career, and as millions wept, he departed the White House for retirement in California.

During his retirement years, Reagan became the most respected elder statesman the country has ever known. In 1991, he reconciled the Israelis and Palestinians. In 1992, he settled the Branch Davidian siege at Waco short of violence, and in 1994, helped avert postponement of the World Series by mediating between baseball owners and players. In his spare time, he built houses in conjunction with Habitat for Humanity.

Media reports during the last 10 years of his life indicated that he was suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. This, too, is liberal hate speech. Reagan's disappearance from public life was due to his ongoing espionage work for the government, a passion Reagan retained from his days as the Communist-hunting president of SAG. In 2000, Fox News revealed that it was not Linda Tripp but Reagan who first uncovered the relationship between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

Reagan was working on a new translation of the Bible from the original Greek and Hebrew when God called him home on Saturday. God was unavailable for comment, but his son, Jesus, told the Washington Post, "We're thrilled to have Mr. Reagan up here with us. I've been waiting for somebody to take my seat next to Dad for quite a while now."