Bush Makes Earth Day Appearance
April 23, 2004
Satire by David Albrecht

(HOUSTON) - In a departure from years past, President George W. Bush celebrated Earth Day this year by appearing before a Houston audience of oil and oil-services business leaders at a campaign fundraiser.

Instead of the conciliatory and conservation-minded approach he favored during his first three Earth Day appearances, Bush wowed the loyal Texas crowd with his no-holds-barred statements on environmental and energy policy.

Boos And Shouts

"Screw the Sierra Club!" said the president to roaring applause, "they're not going to vote for me anyway. And I'm not going to be the first president to tell people they can't drive whatever car they want. Is that what you want?" he asked the crowd, eliciting a chorus of boos and shouts of "No!"

"Fuck the planet," the president added, "it doesn't vote anyway."

President Bush used the occasion to unveil a number of new environmental and regulatory initiatives.

One is the "No Source Review", which, the president noted, "means just what it says. No source will be reviewed, and if the American people don't like the quality of the air they breathe, they can bite me. Or maybe, just maybe, they can hold their breath. And if they turn blue in the process, tough titty."

Clean Enough

Another likely magnet for controversy during the upcoming election cycle was the president's proposed "Clean Enough Water Act", which will in his words, "ensure that Americans' water is clean enough."

A special task force, with members from the Competitive Enterprise Institute, the Frontiers of Freedom Foundation and the libertarian Cato Institute, is now working on a water pollution credit plan.

Under the proposal, municipalities with dirty water can buy exemptions from less-polluted water districts with water credits to sell.

Malcolm Wallop, former US Senator from Wyoming and Chairman of Frontiers of Freedom noted that, "if your water isn't clean enough, I have one little word for you - Dasani."

Do Whatever You Want

A smiling Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) stood alongside Bush as the president announced the "Do Whatever You Want Energy Independence Act".

This revamped version of the currently stalled energy plan would allow coal, oil and gas companies to, in Bush's words, "do whatever they want. Our vital energy sector must never be hampered by lack of opportunity - or by lack of subsidies. This new plan will provide courageous energy entrepreneurs the level of subsidies they need to keep dividend checks flowing as they drive marginal wells into played-out fields, and secure America's energy future in the process."

Senator Inhofe said that he was "delighted" with the $135 billion five-year subsidy plan. "It's great news for our energy sector and for America. And if the sushi-sucking Chicken Littles of the greenie-weenie environmental left don't like it, fuck 'em!"

Bush Twins' Hummers

President Bush will continue his new approach to environmental issues this week as he announces the addition of a Pacific redwood deck to his home in Crawford, Texas, an upcoming lion hunting trip to Kenya, and the purchase of Hummer H2s for daughters Barbara and Jenna.