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Fifth Column
April 22, 2004
Satire by Eddie Ruff

It's 2007, and two rich, white, conservative Republican women are discussing truth, justice, and the American Way over $25 lattes at Starbuck-buck-bucks...

"Oh, Muriel, isn't it wonderful Jeb has decided to run. Life just keeps getting better and better each year a Bush is in office!"

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, amazing - Muriel, did you see the Fox News Channel? You know, the only news channel still around after the FCC was finally shut down last year? Jeb is way up in the polls! He'll beat Hillary by a mile."

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, amazing, but not so amazing seeing how none of the networks will run her ads. We finally beat down that liberal media and put it where it rightfully belongs! Life is so much better with the corporations in charge like they should be."

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, and ever since George W. has wiped out the FCC, TV is so much better! No more of that commie liberal trash spewing out so much garbage. I just love watching the old Leave it to Beaver and I Love Lucy reruns, don't you?"

"They're amazing!"

"Yes - and good ol' George shut down that litany of alphabet-soup bureaucracies that were bogging down the system. No more red tape and duplicated services wasting all our money! And no more taxes nowadays, anymore. Those tax cuts finally took on their desired effect! Yup, no more IRS!"

"Isn't that amazing!"

"And no more FDIC."

"That's amazing!"

"And bye-bye SEC."

"Amazing."

"And no more FDA, FTC, or that awful OSHA!"

"Amazing!"

"And ever since our Great President has fully consolidated the power of the Executive Branch, it's so wonderful not having that horrible Congress tying all the big decisions up with those useless debates! He was right, a dictatorship IS better, as long as he's the dictator!"

"Amazing!"

"Yes, picking those new Supreme Court justices was a true act of genius. No more of those liberal scofflaws trying to legislate from the bench like in the 20th century. In fact, no more legislating from anywhere! I always knew we just needed to enforce the existing laws, like our wonderful Patriot Act, to get the criminals off the street."

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, amazing. Did you see they put another abortion doctor in jail yesterday? John Ashcroft caught another one. Imagine - the barbarity - providing abortions for poor women who can't afford the thousands we have to pay Dr. Sheindlein when our daughters get pregnant!"

"Amazing."

"And they caught another black market gasoline dealer - did you see, Muriel? Imagine - providing gas to poor people who didn't have their Chevron-Texaco-Arco-Mobil-Exxon credit card! I tell you, there's no lengths some people won't go to, to try and drive on our private toll roads!"

"Amazing."

"It was a real act of genius when our Beloved Leader made sure the Saudis would cut the price of oil right before the last election - remember when it went back down to $2.50 a gallon and everyone was so pleased? He won in a landslide!"

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, amazing. And boy were those poor suckers (who we used to laughingly call the 'middle class') surprised when gas leapt right up to $10 a gallon like it belongs - really cleared up the whole traffic mess! And made more room for our roomy SUVs. Let them drive golf carts, or ride the bus, I always say!"

"Amazing!"

"Yes, it's wonderful living in a two-class society now. Did you hear about Ashley? She's not even paying her help anymore! She's found they'll work for table scraps! Bringing back slavery is the best idea I've heard of in a long time."

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, amazing. Why, those poor suckers are getting into fistfights just to get 12 hours a week at the Super-Duper-Wal-Mart-Super-Square-Mile-Store on the edge of town. That wonderful place put every other business out of business! Except our trendy rich shops, of course. And with no more minimum wage, boy do those hapless minions work cheap! The ones that haven't already shot each other since we got rid of all those stupid gun laws, or moved to China where they get treated better and paid more."

"Amazing!"

"And no more of that horrible Medicare - like Ronnie said, the best insurance plan is not to get sick! Especially if you can't afford it. And no more Social Security - I tell you, Muriel, it's paradise! Even without those silly old-growth forests and useless national parks and wildlife preserves. Cement 'em all over, I say! Good thing Mr. Bush agrees!"

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, amazing. And our Great Leader did manage to find something to do for all those worthless poor people who found themselves out of work. Yup, bringing back the draft was very effective for getting the trash off the streets! And drafting the poor women, too, what a stroke of genius! Serves 'em right for constantly calling for equal rights."

"Amazing."

"Yes, amazing. And too bad North Korea had that awful nuclear accident. What a shame. And after we'd sent all those gay soldiers there to invade that horrible country. Too bad it's gone - it would have given all those other young whipper-snappers another country to occupy like we've got the blacks and Mexicans doing in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and Syria."

"Isn't that amazing!"

"Yes, amazing! But it did put those gays in their place here on the home front. They couldn't wait to scramble back into their closets where they belong! So much for gay marriage. There's no more gay anything - they know if they 'out' themselves they'll be drafted immediately and sent to the front lines! Our righteous Republican way of life has finally triumphed, and it looks like we're going to be able to hold on to it for a loooong time!"

"Amazing!"

"Amazing. Let's take a private jet over to Bloomingdale's and treat ourselves to dozens of new pairs of shoes like we did yesterday. Or should we helicopter to Le Super-Riche Boutique for more handbags? This is all such GOOD news!

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