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Fifth
Column
April
22, 2004
Satire by Eddie Ruff
It's 2007, and two rich, white, conservative Republican women
are discussing truth, justice, and the American Way over $25
lattes at Starbuck-buck-bucks...
"Oh, Muriel, isn't it wonderful Jeb has decided to run.
Life just keeps getting better and better each year a Bush
is in office!"
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, amazing - Muriel, did you see the Fox News Channel?
You know, the only news channel still around after the FCC
was finally shut down last year? Jeb is way up in the polls!
He'll beat Hillary by a mile."
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, amazing, but not so amazing seeing how none of the
networks will run her ads. We finally beat down that liberal
media and put it where it rightfully belongs! Life is so much
better with the corporations in charge like they should be."
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, and ever since George W. has wiped out the FCC, TV
is so much better! No more of that commie liberal trash spewing
out so much garbage. I just love watching the old Leave it
to Beaver and I Love Lucy reruns, don't you?"
"They're amazing!"
"Yes - and good ol' George shut down that litany of alphabet-soup
bureaucracies that were bogging down the system. No more red
tape and duplicated services wasting all our money! And no
more taxes nowadays, anymore. Those tax cuts finally took
on their desired effect! Yup, no more IRS!"
"Isn't that amazing!"
"And no more FDIC."
"That's amazing!"
"And bye-bye SEC."
"Amazing."
"And no more FDA, FTC, or that awful OSHA!"
"Amazing!"
"And ever since our Great President has fully consolidated
the power of the Executive Branch, it's so wonderful not having
that horrible Congress tying all the big decisions up with
those useless debates! He was right, a dictatorship IS better,
as long as he's the dictator!"
"Amazing!"
"Yes, picking those new Supreme Court justices was a true
act of genius. No more of those liberal scofflaws trying to
legislate from the bench like in the 20th century. In fact,
no more legislating from anywhere! I always knew we just needed
to enforce the existing laws, like our wonderful Patriot Act,
to get the criminals off the street."
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, amazing. Did you see they put another abortion doctor
in jail yesterday? John Ashcroft caught another one. Imagine
- the barbarity - providing abortions for poor women who can't
afford the thousands we have to pay Dr. Sheindlein when our
daughters get pregnant!"
"Amazing."
"And they caught another black market gasoline dealer -
did you see, Muriel? Imagine - providing gas to poor people
who didn't have their Chevron-Texaco-Arco-Mobil-Exxon credit
card! I tell you, there's no lengths some people won't go
to, to try and drive on our private toll roads!"
"Amazing."
"It was a real act of genius when our Beloved Leader made
sure the Saudis would cut the price of oil right before the
last election - remember when it went back down to $2.50 a
gallon and everyone was so pleased? He won in a landslide!"
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, amazing. And boy were those poor suckers (who we used
to laughingly call the 'middle class') surprised when gas
leapt right up to $10 a gallon like it belongs - really cleared
up the whole traffic mess! And made more room for our roomy
SUVs. Let them drive golf carts, or ride the bus, I always
say!"
"Amazing!"
"Yes, it's wonderful living in a two-class society now.
Did you hear about Ashley? She's not even paying her help
anymore! She's found they'll work for table scraps! Bringing
back slavery is the best idea I've heard of in a long time."
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, amazing. Why, those poor suckers are getting into
fistfights just to get 12 hours a week at the Super-Duper-Wal-Mart-Super-Square-Mile-Store
on the edge of town. That wonderful place put every other
business out of business! Except our trendy rich shops, of
course. And with no more minimum wage, boy do those hapless
minions work cheap! The ones that haven't already shot each
other since we got rid of all those stupid gun laws, or moved
to China where they get treated better and paid more."
"Amazing!"
"And no more of that horrible Medicare - like Ronnie said,
the best insurance plan is not to get sick! Especially if
you can't afford it. And no more Social Security - I tell
you, Muriel, it's paradise! Even without those silly old-growth
forests and useless national parks and wildlife preserves.
Cement 'em all over, I say! Good thing Mr. Bush agrees!"
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, amazing. And our Great Leader did manage to find something
to do for all those worthless poor people who found themselves
out of work. Yup, bringing back the draft was very effective
for getting the trash off the streets! And drafting the poor
women, too, what a stroke of genius! Serves 'em right for
constantly calling for equal rights."
"Amazing."
"Yes, amazing. And too bad North Korea had that awful nuclear
accident. What a shame. And after we'd sent all those gay
soldiers there to invade that horrible country. Too bad it's
gone - it would have given all those other young whipper-snappers
another country to occupy like we've got the blacks and Mexicans
doing in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and Syria."
"Isn't that amazing!"
"Yes, amazing! But it did put those gays in their place
here on the home front. They couldn't wait to scramble back
into their closets where they belong! So much for gay marriage.
There's no more gay anything - they know if they 'out' themselves
they'll be drafted immediately and sent to the front lines!
Our righteous Republican way of life has finally triumphed,
and it looks like we're going to be able to hold on to it
for a loooong time!"
"Amazing!"
"Amazing. Let's take a private jet over to Bloomingdale's
and treat ourselves to dozens of new pairs of shoes like we
did yesterday. Or should we helicopter to Le Super-Riche Boutique
for more handbags? This is all such GOOD news!
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