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Ornithology 101
April 21, 2004
By Richard A. Stitt

For avid bird watchers the following bird species can be observed almost year-round except for occasional migrations to undisclosed locations.

1. Texas Loon (Loonus Texicanus)

Description: Although outwardly displaying a normal-sized head this bird has an unusually tiny brain. It can sometimes be observed hopping about in search of food and succor. Its insatiable appetite leads it to other flocks of smaller birds which may be feeding in its territory. Once the Texas Loon alights in a field it gives off an aura similar to a halo around its head and then proceeds to strut like a peacock.

Voice: A legendary predatory bird, the Texas Loon will swoop down on the smaller birds catching some in its beak whereby it rips the feathers from its prey, tossing its carcass aside before letting out a bloodcurdling sound which resembles that of a hyena. The Texas Loon gives out a harsh sound when alarmed, something like "bringemon, bringemon!" But when confronted face-to-face, it acts more like the Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker, rarely fighting its own battles, choosing flight instead.

Habitat: Unlike many species in the animal kingdom, the Texas Loon breeds with the sickest and weakest of its kind, baffling evolutionists' theories of selective breeding. It has been suggested that this bird proves the opposite of the accepted school of thought that only the fittest survive, when in fact, it suggests, astonishingly, evolution in reverse. But in another sense, it gives credence to Stephen J. Gould's theory of "punctuated equilibrium," meaning that there can be sudden, backward leaps as it were, to a lower form of life.

Nesting: Though the Texas Loon makes many attempts at nesting, sometimes laying multiple eggs in a single day, it all-too-often fouls its own nest. This habit, again contravening conventional and acceptable theories of animal behavior, confirms the notion that reverse evolution is occurring.

Range: Generally moves from areas near Waco and Crawford, Texas to Washington, DC and has been observed in parts of Maine, namely Kennebunkport. Occasionally the Texas Loon gets caught up in the trade winds and ends up in Old Europe, where it's odious habits and behavior are generally repelled.

2. Cheney Bird (Chanus Diculus)

Description: Sometimes deceptively called the Affable Bird because of its outwardly serene and flaccid appearance. However, the Cheney Bird is susceptible to fits of paroxysms which may cause it to go into fibrillation at a moment's notice. As such, its behavior is highly unpredictable.

Voice: The Cheney Bird has a variety of rattling sounds. If you listen closely, you can hear what sounds like "Enron, Enron!" and "Halliburton, Halliburton!" This bird has the unique attribute of being able to evoke sounds from both sides of its beak simultaneously.

Habitat: Many have tried to pin down this bird's location and some observers maintain that the Cheney Bird prefers dark, cloistered niches with amorphous lighting and gossamer-like environs.

Nesting: Like the Texas Loon, the Cheney Bird may lay several eggs at a time. Those that eventually hatch seldom survive the polluted atmosphere because its nest, like the Texas Loon's, is a miasma of loathsome dirt and refuse, generally unsustainable for prolonged life.

Range: Mostly in undisclosed areas but has been observed from Wyoming to Texas and east to Washington, DC where it finds the feeding grounds to its liking. Though maintaining a hermit-like existence most of the time, every four years this bird appears at many lucrative public gatherings where much largesse is handed out in the cause of its own perpetuation.

Both the Cheney Bird and the Texas Loon are parasitic birds which can be seen following behind herds of elephants, voraciously pecking at the nutrient-rich droppings. Other birds, keenly aware of the inordinate and insatiable cravings by the Texas Loon and the Cheney Bird, seldom venture near enough to share the bounty. To do so would evoke the wrath of the feared and deadly Ashcroft Bird (Jonnus Assicroftus), a bird so fierce as to defy description.

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