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Ornithology
101
April
21, 2004
By Richard A. Stitt
For avid bird watchers the following bird species can be
observed almost year-round except for occasional migrations
to undisclosed locations.
1. Texas Loon (Loonus Texicanus)
Description: Although outwardly displaying a normal-sized
head this bird has an unusually tiny brain. It can sometimes
be observed hopping about in search of food and succor. Its
insatiable appetite leads it to other flocks of smaller birds
which may be feeding in its territory. Once the Texas Loon
alights in a field it gives off an aura similar to a halo
around its head and then proceeds to strut like a peacock.
Voice: A legendary predatory bird, the Texas Loon
will swoop down on the smaller birds catching some in its
beak whereby it rips the feathers from its prey, tossing its
carcass aside before letting out a bloodcurdling sound which
resembles that of a hyena. The Texas Loon gives out a harsh
sound when alarmed, something like "bringemon, bringemon!"
But when confronted face-to-face, it acts more like the Yellow-Bellied
Sapsucker, rarely fighting its own battles, choosing flight
instead.
Habitat: Unlike many species in the animal kingdom,
the Texas Loon breeds with the sickest and weakest of its
kind, baffling evolutionists' theories of selective breeding.
It has been suggested that this bird proves the opposite of
the accepted school of thought that only the fittest survive,
when in fact, it suggests, astonishingly, evolution in reverse.
But in another sense, it gives credence to Stephen J. Gould's
theory of "punctuated equilibrium," meaning that there can
be sudden, backward leaps as it were, to a lower form of life.
Nesting: Though the Texas Loon makes many attempts
at nesting, sometimes laying multiple eggs in a single day,
it all-too-often fouls its own nest. This habit, again contravening
conventional and acceptable theories of animal behavior, confirms
the notion that reverse evolution is occurring.
Range: Generally moves from areas near Waco and Crawford,
Texas to Washington, DC and has been observed in parts of
Maine, namely Kennebunkport. Occasionally the Texas Loon gets
caught up in the trade winds and ends up in Old Europe, where
it's odious habits and behavior are generally repelled.
2. Cheney Bird (Chanus Diculus)
Description: Sometimes deceptively called the Affable
Bird because of its outwardly serene and flaccid appearance.
However, the Cheney Bird is susceptible to fits of paroxysms
which may cause it to go into fibrillation at a moment's notice.
As such, its behavior is highly unpredictable.
Voice: The Cheney Bird has a variety of rattling
sounds. If you listen closely, you can hear what sounds like
"Enron, Enron!" and "Halliburton, Halliburton!" This bird
has the unique attribute of being able to evoke sounds from
both sides of its beak simultaneously.
Habitat: Many have tried to pin down this bird's
location and some observers maintain that the Cheney Bird
prefers dark, cloistered niches with amorphous lighting and
gossamer-like environs.
Nesting: Like the Texas Loon, the Cheney Bird may
lay several eggs at a time. Those that eventually hatch seldom
survive the polluted atmosphere because its nest, like the
Texas Loon's, is a miasma of loathsome dirt and refuse, generally
unsustainable for prolonged life.
Range: Mostly in undisclosed areas but has been observed
from Wyoming to Texas and east to Washington, DC where it
finds the feeding grounds to its liking. Though maintaining
a hermit-like existence most of the time, every four years
this bird appears at many lucrative public gatherings where
much largesse is handed out in the cause of its own perpetuation.
Both the Cheney Bird and the Texas Loon are parasitic birds
which can be seen following behind herds of elephants, voraciously
pecking at the nutrient-rich droppings. Other birds, keenly
aware of the inordinate and insatiable cravings by the Texas
Loon and the Cheney Bird, seldom venture near enough to share
the bounty. To do so would evoke the wrath of the feared and
deadly Ashcroft Bird (Jonnus Assicroftus), a bird so fierce
as to defy description.
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